


Past, Present, Future

by bicadyheron



Series: Cadnis [1]
Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe, Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexuality, Bullying, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Canon Rewrite, Canon Universe, Depression, During Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Family Secrets, First Kiss, Friendship, Gay, Harassment, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Janis deserves better, Lesbian, Love, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Multi, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, References to Depression, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Sexuality Crisis, Slurs, Social Anxiety, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Therapy, Unrequited Love, Violence, soft janis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2020-07-04 19:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19822033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bicadyheron/pseuds/bicadyheron
Summary: Veronica just wanted life to go smoothly for Janis, especially after everything she had gone through. She was ready to advise her daughter through the horrors of high school. She never thought that it would start in middle school, and she never expected things to get this bad.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I like imagining Veronica as Janis's mother because the characters are similar, but not extremely so. This is for my own self-indulgence, and again, as with anything with more than a few chapters that I write, I may not end up finishing it. Anyway. Enjoy me traumatizing my baby Janis.
> 
> Trigger warnings (I'll give these for each chapter, but all the ones I know of as of now are tagged): homophobia, d slur, harassment/bullying

**Chapter 1: Veronica**

Somehow, Veronica Sawyer managed to make it to graduation without going completely insane. The whole fiasco with JD and the Heathers had overturned the social order of the school, but Veronica couldn’t care less. She had loved JD, but what he did was insanely wrong.

It took years of therapy for her to be okay with that.

College was everything she’d dreamed it would be and more. Maybe the walls weren’t really covered in ivy, and the cafes had started to ban smoking, but it was a wonderful experience none the less. Veronica was thankful for the education and preparation for law school, as well as the classes that bonded her with Steven.

Steven was the one boy Veronica could stand to interact with for extended periods of time. He had a soft voice, kind eyes, and a variety of vivid polo shirts. It was about as far from JD as she could get, which is what first drew her to him.

Admittedly, her high school experience had been scarring. Steven understood, though Veronica never told him everything. She would uphold that promise to herself until she died.

Soon enough, she and Steven wound up in a relationship, and Veronica was applying to law schools in Chicago, where Steven had already secured a job.

The couple happily did what was expected of them. They married as soon as Veronica completed law school, and she was more than happy to take Steven’s last name. She would much rather be Veronica Sarkisian than Veronica Sawyer. Sawyer was the girl who meekly went along with all the horrible things her high school boyfriend did. Sarkisian was a lawyer, and she was damn good.

It wasn’t hard for Veronica to find a job, and once she was employed by the state, she and Steven went to work trying to have their first child.

On November 6, 2001, their daughter was born. Steven and Veronica both agreed that the name Janis was perfect for their little girl. Veronica gave her the middle name Heather, after her high school regrets. That name would remind her to make sure Janis made it through high school emotionally whole.

* * *

As it turns out, Janis’s social trouble would begin in middle school.

Veronica had never been the biggest fan of Janis’s friend Regina, but she wasn’t going to tell her daughter who she could hang out with. That would never work anyways – or, that was what she convinced Steven.

The bubbly little blonde girl was bossy and image-obsessed. She reminded Veronica of Heather Chandler far too much. But Janis always seemed to have fun with Regina, whether they were in Veronica’s care or Mrs. George’s care.

When the girls were eleven or so, and they’d have playdates at the George’s house, Janis would occasionally come home with makeup on. Now, Mrs. George was a reasonable mom, so it was the cheap glittery kind that came off with a swipe of the finger, but Veronica was unimpressed.

Regina _really_ reminded her of a young Heather Chandler.

Steven was inflamed the first time Janis came home with glittery eyeshadow and lip gloss on. “What are they letting those two do over there?” he hissed. “Maybe we should only let them have playdates at our house from now on.” Thankfully, Janis was in her room, so she wasn’t hearing the argument between her parents.

“Look, hon, as much as I’d love that, we can’t control her every movement. That’s how you get secretive kids. I want her to be open with us.” Veronica was always trying to sympathize with everybody around her. This time, she really did agree with her husband, but her mom instincts told her to let it go. “Why don’t we just set some ground rules instead?”

Steven agreed, and so Janis had to wash the makeup off her face, if it was put on at Regina’s, before coming home. And she could only wear it out on special occasions, like dances or fancy dinners. She didn’t even seem very upset about it. Veronica was fairly pleased with her parenting after that.

Until the day when Janis came home begging to dye her hair platinum blonde. “Mom, come on, wouldn’t I be really pretty with blonde hair?”

Veronica couldn’t help but roll her eyes at her daughter. “Honey. You’re twelve. You need to learn to love your hair as it is.”

“Don’t you want me to feel good about myself?” Janis’s dark eyes were welling with tears, and Veronica softened.

“Of course, but you should learn how to feel good about yourself without changing anything. Tell you what, if you still really want to go blonde by your birthday, we can do that.” Veronica thought she was being insanely fair, though Steven might be enraged if the two girls actually followed through on the plan.

“That’s so far away,” Janis whined.

“I mean, I could just flat out say no.”

“Fine. I’ll wait.”

Veronica never liked when her daughter was upset with her, but she knew it was a part of being her mother. Sometimes it was in Janis’s best interests even if Janis didn’t know it. She sighed.

“Why don’t you pick out what we’re gonna cook for dinner tonight?” She knew her daughter loved to cook, so this was a peace offering. Janis still looked sullen though.

“Sure, I guess.”

* * *

While Regina and Janis would get into little arguments and quips quite often, Veronica noticed that Janis seemed to be the only one apologizing.

After one such fight, she pulled her daughter aside. “You know, you only have to apologize to Regina if you’ve done something wrong.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m always doing things wrong. That’s why she gets mad at me.” Janis rolled her eyes as if that should have been obvious. Veronica sighed. This wasn’t a healthy friendship. She knew Regina was bad news, but she didn’t want to cause a scene right before Mrs. George came by for dinner.

“Okay, honey.” She whispered, concerned, before heading back to her study to finish up a case report.

After dinner, Veronica went up to Janis in her room. Her daughter rolled her eyes and scooted over to make room on the bed. “Am I being lectured?” Veronica frowned.

“No, sweetheart. I just wanted to talk.”

“About how I can’t be friends with Regina anymore.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Now, Janis. I’m doing my best to avoid flat out telling you what to do with your social life. Would I be more comfortable if you weren’t friends with Regina? Yeah, I would. She reminds me a lot of my high school bully. But I’m not going to tell you that you two can’t hang out anymore.” Veronica offered a hand to Janis, who took it. She was glad to see her daughter smile.

“Well, then what did you want to talk about?”

“I just noticed that Regina is constantly making things out to be your fault – whether it’s both of your faults, her fault, or nobody’s fault. That’s not healthy, sweetheart.” Janis began to pout. “I just want you to know that I see it, and I will always be here for you.”

Janis didn’t respond, and the smile fell from her face. Veronica left her to mull over the conversation.

When she peeked in her daughter’s room later, the lights were still on, but Janis was sleeping. Veronica padded in, pressed a light kiss to her forehead, and turned out the light. “I love you,” she whispered as she shut the door behind her.

Her husband noticed whatever expression was plastered on Veronica’s face when she walked back into their bedroom.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

Veronica sighed. “Janis reminds me so much of me when I was younger, and I was a mess. I just…” her voice hitched, “I just want her to be okay.”

Steven smiled sadly at her. “You turned out pretty okay, Ronnie.”

“But I needed a lot of therapy to get to halfway okay. I’m willing to do what it takes for our daughter, but I don’t want her to go through half the shit I did.”

“I know,” Steven sighed, patting the bed next to him. “But we can make it through whatever life throws at us. Janis is strong. She’s your daughter, after all.”

_That’s exactly the problem_ , Veronica thought. _She’s my daughter, and I’ve been dragged through hell. I have the scars to prove it. I don’t want that for her._ But she didn’t want to worry her husband more, so she laid down on the bed, let him turn out the lights, and snuggled into his warm embrace.

From then on Veronica kept a close eye on Janis. Well, as close as possible without hovering or being controlling. As far as Veronica saw, not much seemed to change.

Janis and Regina would argue about something trivial, Janis would apologize, and everything would be okay again for a while. Veronica watched the cycle over and over, watched the arguments get bigger, and held Janis as she cried.

* * *

Until one day when Veronica was summoned to the school to retrieve Janis. She had been in her office, working on a case, when the call came in.

“Hello, this is Veronica Sarkisian, district attorney. What do you need?” she expected it to be a work call, as she didn’t recognize anything about the phone number other than that it was local.

“Hello, Mrs. Sarkisian. There’s been an incident, and Janis needs you to come pick her up.”

Veronica’s eyes went wide. “What kind of incident?” she inquired nervously.

“We think it’s best if Janis describes it to you at her discretion. Just know we are planning on doling out adequate consequences to the other children involved.”

Consequences? What kind of consequences? And why would other kids be involved in Janis needing to go home early? Was this bullying? If it was bullying, wouldn’t administration tell her? Veronica was confused and concerned. “I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

With that, she hung up the phone and sped out of her office, only briefly stopping to notify her secretary that she’d be out for the remainder of the day.

She pulled up to the school and raced into the office, where her teary-eyed daughter was waiting. She quickly knelt in front of her and took her hands.

“Janis! Are you okay?” Veronica’s primary concern was her daughter’s wellbeing.

She sniffled. “Pretty obvious that I’m not, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but it’s my job as a mom to ask stupid questions. Do you want ice cream?”

“Another stupid question, Mom. Of course I want ice cream. I’m upset.” Janis wiped her eyes in a fruitless attempt to dry them.

“Alright,” Veronica said softly. “We’ll stop and get some on the way home, and you can tell me what happened.”

Veronica was extremely concerned for her daughter, but didn’t want to push her to open up about whatever had happened at school.

Luckily, Janis had managed to stifle her tears by the time they pulled up to the grocery store, so Veronica took her in and told her to pick out three different pints. “It’s what I like best when I’m upset. Just gorging myself on ice cream and watching trashy TV shows.” She confided.

“Sounds great right about now,” Janis responded, grabbing her ice cream choices. A long pause. “This sucks, Mom.”

“What sucks, sweetie?”

Janis sighed. “Everything sucks. My life sucks. My friends suck. My school sucks.” Her eyes began welling up again, and Veronica took her hand.

“Let’s get out of here with our ice cream, and you can tell me why everything sucks.” Janis nodded, and they started for the checkout.

Janis stayed deep in thought during the remainder of the car ride, and Veronica couldn’t help but to glance over at her daughter every few seconds. What the fuck could have happened at school that administration wouldn’t tell her about?

* * *

Veronica let Janis settle on the couch with a pint of ice cream and their cat beside her before talking again.

“I’m sure whatever happened sucks, and you probably don’t want to recount it, especially not to your mother, but I’m worried, Janis.” Veronica looked sadly at her daughter. “I want to be able to help you in the best way possible, and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Veronica didn’t expect much from her daughter, only that she does her best, be honest, and asks for help when she needed it. Evidently, she had done well, as Janis looked up at her dolefully and whispered, “I don’t know how you can help, but I’ll tell you.”

Veronica nodded and sat gingerly on the couch next to her. “I’m listening. And I’ll do my best to not interrupt or say anything until you’re done.”

Janis chuckled, then began. “You always knew that Regina wasn’t a good friend. She started arguments and made me think that I was always wrong. But… she was fun to hang out with. We had a lot in common.” She paused thoughtfully. “I liked her. A lot more than she liked me. She knew that… and… uh…” tears spilled out of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. “She knew that I was starting to like her more than I was supposed to. More than friends are supposed to.”

The gears were turning in Veronica’s head, and it vaguely registered to her that this was Janis coming out, but she was far more concerned with whatever had gone down with Regina at school.

“She… she came up to me before school to tell me that I couldn’t come to her birthday party in a few weeks… b-because it’s a-a pool party, a-and sh-she thought…” Janis was full-on sobbing now, barely able to continue her story.

Veronica put a comforting hand on her shoulder, a gentle encouragement to keep going.

“Sh-she said she thought I was a le-lesb-bian. And then she… she kept asking, b-because I w-wouldn’t answer, because I-I… I don’t know how I was supposed to… and so she just shouted, ‘What are you?’”

Janis paused, took a deep breath, and looked up at Veronica, who’s heart broke for her. “I didn’t know what to say… and I panicked.”

Veronica couldn’t help herself. “So… what did you say?”

Janis chuckled dryly. “I shouted that I was a space alien, and that I had four butts.”

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s okay. It was a panic response. It happens.” Veronica rubbed her daughter’s back reassuringly.

“It wasn’t okay to R-Regina… within an hour, s-somebody had written s-space d-dyke on my locker.” Janis buried her head in her hands, ashamed. “That’s all the office knows about. They wouldn’t get Regina in trouble for what she did earlier, anyways. She wasn’t the one who vandalized school property.”

“Janis… I’m so sorry.” Veronica paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to, okay, but do you think you are a lesbian?”

“I don’t know, Mom,” Janis sighed and sniffled, looking at her feet. “I think I might be. I’ve just been thinking about that possibility recently.”

“Okay, then. You know I’ll support you and help you through anything, no matter what, right?” Veronica gently lifted Janis’s chin so their eyes met. “No matter who you love or what your career may be, whatever happens, I’m your mom, and I’ll love you. Always.”

Veronica wasn’t thinking before she spoke, just trying to console her daughter, but she meant every single word. She wanted to give Janis the world, and she was going to support her only child through everything life threw at them.

Janis surprised Veronica by leaning in and wrapping her arms around her. Veronica hugged her daughter back fiercely, and before she knew it, she was crying too. For what seemed like an eternity, the two just sat in each other’s embrace, weeping.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis didn't expect Regina to be bad news, but when it came down to it, she wasn't too surprised.
> 
> Trigger warnings: homophobia (I think that's it but let me know if I missed anything)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just because I like being redundant and writing Janis's inner monologue.
> 
> I'm oddly invested in this story all of a sudden, so updates will be... sporadic but hopefully not too far apart.

**Chapter 2: Janis**

Janis had met Regina on the playground in first grade. They were wearing the same pair of cute sandals, and Janis had commented on it. Soon enough, the two girls were inseparable.

The girls did everything together. One would end up at the other’s house after school most days, and soon enough, it was tradition for their parents to eat dinner together on Friday nights.

When they were at Regina’s house one day of fifth grade, Regina revealed the cell phone makeup kit she had received as a birthday gift. “You’d look really pretty in pink eyeshadow,” the blonde commented. Janis couldn’t help but blush. Compliments from Regina were rare, but they were validating as hell.

“Okay,” she’d replied, willing, even then, to do anything for Regina. Janis didn’t know what romantic feelings were. She knew people could have them for boys, but the girls Regina and Janis hung out with insisted that even the cute boys had cooties. Janis just didn’t see much appeal.

When Regina put her hand on Janis’s cheek to steady her face for the makeover, her heart beat faster. Janis didn’t know what that meant, but surely it was just because she was nervous. How would her parents react if she came home with makeup on? They’d probably get mad and not let her hang out with Regina any more. That would be sad. Janis liked Regina.

So, for the entirety of the time that Regina was painting Janis’s face, Janis was lost in thought. Why did she get so jumpy when Regina would take her hand in public? Friends did that and never thought twice about it. The amount of time that she and Regina spent together was normal, right? Friends hung out all the time, just two people having fun. Something didn’t add up in Janis’s brain, though. She didn’t feel _normal_ around Regina.

“Ta-da!” Regina dramatically announced, once she was done with Janis’s makeup, and turned her around to face the mirror.

Janis inhaled. Regina had been right. She did look really pretty in the pink eyeshadow. “How do you think I’d look as a blonde?” she asked.

Regina stared at her, almost critically. Janis regretted opening her mouth. Her mind started running itself in circles about her feelings and her friendship with Regina. As soon as Regina spoke, saying “You’d be a beautiful blonde. We’d be like sisters!” Janis was soothed and validated.

Soon enough, it was time for Janis to go back to her own house, and she saw the look on her parents faces that was surely due to the makeup. They greeted her normally, though, and she went up to her room to complete her homework and take off the eyeshadow before dinner.

Janis could feel her father’s anger through the door and down the stairs, but heard her mother talking him down. Her mom always had her back and was always the best mom around. She didn’t seem to be super fond of Regina, but Janis wrote that off. Her mom was another friend, and they were entitled to their difference in opinions.

After dinner, Janis got the lecture she was expecting about the makeup, but her mom was kind about it.

“Janis, sweetheart, you’re a little young to be wearing makeup out on the regular. You can play with it at Regina’s, and wear it for concerts or special occasions, but other than that, your father and I would be more comfortable if you washed if off before leaving the house.” Her mom looked at her with kind eyes.

Janis couldn’t deny her mother much. She nodded, and complied from then on. Regina didn’t understand why Ms. Sarkisian was being ‘so strict’ and would get mad whenever Janis would wash off her hard work. It seemed to Janis like a switch went off somewhere in Regina’s mind when she didn’t get her way. She would get mad and teary and throw fits when Janis didn’t comply. Janis often found herself apologizing for the fits Regina threw.

“You really should dye your hair blonde, you know,” Regina commented one day. “Do it! It’ll be fun.”

Janis really did agree that time, and so she went home and practically begged her mother to let her do it. She developed an attitude when her mother said no, and came to a compromise that was excessive, but better than nothing.

“Mom said I could dye my hair blonde for my birthday if I still want to by then.”

“That’s so far away!” Regina complained, much as Janis did when asking her mother.

“I know, but it was either that or have her flat out say no,” Janis sighed. “So I guess we just have to wait.”

“Why is your mom so strict? It’s just your hair!” Regina pouted.

“I don’t know what her deal is,” she avoided rolling her eyes at Regina, “I just want to dye my hair so I can be pretty like you.”

Janis blanched after she realized what she said, and Regina was silent. Did she really just tell Regina she thought she was pretty? Friends say that all the time, right? But it felt like saying that she thought a boy was cute.

“That just might do it,” Regina smirked. Janis was confused, and a little let down. Obviously, she wasn’t good enough the way she was.

* * *

Regina seemed to get fed up with Janis more and more easily. Janis didn’t understand exactly what she was doing to upset Regina, other than existing in a way that didn’t really please her.

So, Regina would get mad, and Janis would apologize, and they’d make up, and the cycle would start again.

After one argument at Janis’s house, her mom pulled her aside when she went to the bathroom. “You know, you only have to apologize to Regina if you’ve done something wrong.”

Her mom just looked concerned, but Janis felt the need to defend her friend. “Well, I’m always doing things wrong, so…” She rolled her eyes and could see her mother was a little hurt by the quip.

“Okay, honey.” She whispered before walking away.

Janis chastised herself for snapping at her mother. She knew her mom was right. Regina was being unkind. But she was one of the only good friends Janis had, and she didn’t want to lose that.

So, she kept putting up with Regina, and she let her mom hold her when she cried. She even thought about her feelings for Regina, and if those maybe possibly more than friendly feelings could be why she kept needlessly apologizing to the little blonde terror.

* * *

One day, Regina met Janis in the hallway by her locker before homeroom. Janis smiled at her, the fluttery feeling erupting in her stomach as it often did when Regina would actually make eye contact with her.

“So…” Regina started. She looked a little unsure, but Janis had no clue why.

“What’s up?” she asked innocently. Regina’s facial expression morphed into something Janis found impossible to decipher, and it scared her.

“You know my birthday is soon. And I’m having a pool party.” Janis nodded, having helped make the plans. “Yeah. Well, you can’t come, because I think you’re a lesbian and there are gonna be girls there in their bathing suits.”

Janis was frozen to the spot. Regina thought she was a… lesbian? She had known of the word, and she had been struggling with her feelings for a while, but she had never put two and two together. There wasn’t anything she could think to say in response to what her supposed best friend had just said.

“Well, _are_ you a lesbian?” Regina prompted, almost jeering. Janis couldn’t look her in the eyes, couldn’t get a word out of her mouth, she didn’t even know if she was a lesbian yet, how could she answer Regina? “What _are_ you?” the blonde yelled, after a solid minute of Janis silently staring at her shoes.

It wasn’t her proudest moment, and she definitely didn’t think things through. Janis just knew she had to respond to Regina, but she could neither confirm nor deny whether or not she was a lesbian, so she just shouted the first thing that came into her head. “I am a space alien, and I have four butts!”

After that embarrassingly untrue declaration, Janis ran to the bathroom. She couldn’t just… go to class now, could she? Her breathing got heavier and faster, and she sank down to sit on the toilet, head in her hands. This wasn’t how any of it was supposed to go. Wasn’t Janis supposed to figure out who she liked on her own, and tell people when she was ready? Weren’t friends supposed to support each other?

Janis heard her mother’s words, the whisperings of an unhealthy relationship, and she couldn’t stop herself from breaking into sobs in the girl’s bathroom. When she missed homeroom and first period completely, she was summoned to the office.

The principal was waiting. “Janis, why weren’t you in…” he saw her tear-streaked cheeks. “Is this about your locker?” he asked instead.

“What do you mean?” Janis didn’t know if he knew about the conversation this morning. “I- It’s about R-Regina…”

“Have you seen your locker?” His eyes were kind, but also filled with sadness for Janis, and she didn’t know what to make of that. She shook her head, a few stray tears falling down despite her efforts to quell them. “Let’s take a walk.”

He led Janis to her locker, where Regina had accused her of being a lesbian barely an hour before. Somebody had written ‘space dyke’ on her locker in big, black, blocky letters. Janis blanched. Who could have done this? Why?

Janis gave up on trying not to cry, and just buried her head in her hands. “Do you think this was Regina’s doing?”

“I don’t think she wrote it, but she’s definitely the reason for whoever did write it,” Janis sniffled, clearly upset.

“Okay. I’ll deal with this, okay? The secretary can call your mother to take you home.”

Janis didn’t know why the principal was being so kind, or why he had taken her side. It seemed like nobody else in the school would. Regina obviously wasn’t on her side. She was the one who had started the fiasco in the first place. And she was obviously spreading Janis’s response to being called a lesbian and was probably actually telling people that Janis _was_ a lesbian.

_Maybe I am a lesbian_ , Janis thought to herself. That would explain the fluttery feeling she’d get around Regina, and why she never really agreed, but just played along, when Regina and her other friends would fawn over ‘cute’ boys. It wasn’t the best time to have that realization, all things considered.

Despite her best efforts, Janis just kept crying.

Before the bell rang and everybody would get to see Janis crying in the office, her mother burst in. Janis hadn’t heard what the secretary had told her, but it evidently wasn’t much, as her mom was immediately concerned for her physical wellbeing.

Janis was feeling well enough to be snarky, but was still incredibly shaken. Her mom led her gently out of the school, offering ice cream and a very low-key rest of the day. She knew that her mom would want to know what had happened soon, and she was almost prepared to tell her.

Her mother had never been anything but supportive, always campaigning for Janis’s best interests, and so she had no qualms about letting her mother know that people thought she was gay, or that she actually might be, but Janis just… didn’t want to relive that argument with Regina quite yet. It was a betrayal that she should have seen coming, but never expected. And she certainly never would have expected their falling out to have the repercussions it did.

* * *

“I’m sure whatever happened sucks, and you probably don’t want to recount it, especially not to your mother, but I’m worried, Janis.”

She looked up at her mother, who seemed saddened by events she didn’t even know. Janis sighed. She knew what was coming, and she wasn’t sure she was ready, but she kinda had to be anyways.

“I want to be able to help you in the best way possible, and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I don’t know how you can help, but I’ll tell you.” Janis sighed, trying to quell the tears quickly filling her eyes.

Her mother just sat and gave her all of her attention. “I’m listening. And I’ll do my best to not interrupt or say anything until you’re done.”

Janis chuckled, then began. “You always knew that Regina wasn’t a good friend. She started arguments and made me think that I was always wrong. But… she was fun to hang out with. We had a lot in common.” She paused thoughtfully. She wasn’t sure how to lead up to the rest of it, because as much as what Regina said had hurt, it was unfortunately true. “I liked her. A lot more than she liked me. She knew that… and… uh…” tears spilled out of her eyes and ran down her cheeks despite her efforts to prevent them. “She knew that I was starting to like her more than I was supposed to. More than friends are supposed to.”

She took a deep, shaky breath before continuing on, still scared to tell her mother the worst part. Janis had basically just admitted that she was into girls, and her mother wasn’t reeling in shock or horror, so there was some comfort there.

“She… she came up to me before school to tell me that I couldn’t come to her birthday party in a few weeks… b-because it’s a-a pool party, a-and sh-she thought…” Janis was full-on sobbing now, barely able to continue her story.

Her mom put a gentle hand on her shoulder, a silent encouragement for Janis to continue. She avoided burying her head in her hands and tried to steady her breath, but she couldn’t. The words spilled over despite that.

“Sh-she said she thought I was a le-lesb-bian. And then she… she kept asking, b-because I w-wouldn’t answer, because I-I… I don’t know how I was supposed to… and so she just shouted, ‘ _What are you?_ ’”

Janis paused, took a deep breath, and looked up at her mother, who looked pained on Janis’s behalf. At least she had taken Janis’s side. “I didn’t know what to say… and I panicked.” She blushed in embarrassment, just thinking about what she said next.

Her mother interrupted. “So… what did you say?”

Janis chuckled in embarrassment, unable to stop herself. “I shouted that I was a space alien, and that I had four butts.”

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s okay. It was a panic response. It happens.” Her mother rubbed her back in an attempt to comfort her. Janis only cried harder, remembering the repercussions of it all.

“It wasn’t okay to R-Regina… within an hour, s-somebody had written _s-space d-dyke_ on my locker.” Janis buried her head in her hands, ashamed. “That’s all the office knows about. They wouldn’t get Regina in trouble for what she did earlier, anyways. She wasn’t the one who vandalized school property.”

“Janis… I’m so sorry.” Her mother looked unsure of what to say for once. Janis knew what the question was before her mom decided to ask it. “You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to, okay, but do you think you are a lesbian?”

“I don’t know, Mom,” Janis sighed and sniffled, looking at her feet. She might as well just be honest. “I think I might be. I’ve just been thinking about that possibility recently.”

“Okay, then. You know I’ll support you and help you through anything, no matter what, right?” her mother gently lifted Janis’s chin so their eyes met. “No matter who you love or what your career may be, whatever happens, I’m your mom, and I’ll love you. Always.”

Janis smiled up at her mother, immensely glad to find stable support in her. She wanted comfort, and so, still sobbing, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her mother, burying her head into her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this, that's fetch! Kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated 🖤


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She could tell that her father knew what was coming, and that he didn’t want to hear it. Janis looked at her mother, who nodded, encouraging her to say it anyways. She could feel her eyes welling with tears, but did her best to speak clearly. “I think she’s right. I… I think I am a lesbian.”
> 
> Janis looked down to avoid acknowledging her father’s reaction. The tears began spilling down her cheeks as she heard her mother whisper to her dad, “That’s all. You can react verbally now.”
> 
> She looked up tearfully as her father cleared his throat. “You think you’re gay.” A long pause. “You just think you’re gay.”
> 
> “I’m pretty sure she knows, Steven.” Janis was never more grateful for her mother than in that moment.
> 
> “Janis, really? You’re gay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this gets... deep.
> 
> trigger warnings: blatant homophobia, d-slur, depictions of self-harm
> 
> as always, let me know if I need to add any! I care about you all.

**Chapter 3: Janis**

It was like a weight had been lifted off of Janis’s shoulders. Telling her mother about everything with Regina, about her feelings for girls. That was probably the most difficult thing she would ever have to do, Janis thought.

Then she corrected herself. The most difficult thing was yet to come, and that was going back to school the next week after the Regina fiasco. It was only Wednesday, but luckily her mother said she could take the rest of the week off.

The second most difficult thing would be telling her father.

Both Janis and her mother agreed that the family should be on the same page, and so Janis, with her mother’s help, should tell her dad about what happened at school, as well as about her sexuality. It was just better to not keep secrets.

When her dad came home from work, he found Janis and her mother sitting on the couch and sharing a pint of ice cream. Janis looked anxiously up from the TV.

“Does it have to be now?” she whispered to her mother. All she wanted was a little more peace before she had to relive her hurt again.

“We can wait until after dinner. Speaking of, I was planning on doing mac and cheese tonight. Wanna help?”

Janis nodded at her mother, excited to reintroduce some normalcy to her day by cooking dinner.

Her bubble of calm was interrupted by her father. “Ronnie, what are you doing home? And you too, Janis, aren’t you supposed to be at Regina’s?” she blanched.

Luckily, her mother stepped in to rescue Janis from her own awkwardness around her father. “There was an incident at school, and the office called me to pick Janis up. She wasn’t feeling well. We can get into it more after dinner.”

Janis looked back and forth between her parents as they stared at each other. Nothing happened for a long while.

That long stretch of silence gave Janis ample time to overthink the consequences of telling her father everything that she told her mother. He tended to be more soft-spoken and less forthcoming with her than Janis’s mother was, but he was also very quick to get angry. Janis didn’t know her father’s personality as well as her mother’s, only because he seemed to keep it hidden when she was around. She was, as a result, far less open with him.

What if he wasn’t okay with Janis being gay? What if he agreed with Regina?

She knew, somehow, that if that happened, her mother would come to her defense, but was still incredibly terrified. Not wanting to think about it any longer, she broke the silence between her parents.

“Mom, can we make dinner now that we’ve had dessert? I’m hungry for real food.”

* * *

Dinner went off without a hitch, and Janis was thankful for her parent’s light banter, having seemingly forgotten the earlier tension regarding their presence. It gave her time to sit and listen, to enjoy being with her family. Also, it took her mind off of the looming conversation.

Cactus, the cat, weaved himself between Janis’s legs as she waited for her parents to finish eating. She smiled down at him as he meowed for scraps.

After her parents had finished eating, Janis’s mother cleared her throat. “Steven, Janis and I would like to tell you what went on at school today. If you could please refrain from commenting until the story is done, that would be great.” Her dad didn’t look impressed. “It would be easier for Janis to be fully honest that way. Janis, do you want me to start?”

Janis nodded, internally relieved that her mother was starting.

“So, you know how we were worried that Regina wasn’t being a very good friend to Janis?” her mother paused. “Unfortunately, we were right. Before school this morning, Regina came up to Janis and uninvited her from her birthday party.”

Janis sighed, frowning at her empty plate. She knew that it was a good idea, but still didn’t want to even think about what had happened. Her mother bumped her foot under the table in reassurance before continuing.

“She said that she didn’t want Janis there because it was a pool party and she thought that Janis was a lesbian. Janis didn’t really know how to respond when Regina kept asking her _what_ she was, so she panicked and said she was a space alien with four butts.”

Blushing in embarrassment, Janis made eye contact with her father. He looked angry about the Regina thing, _or maybe about the lesbian thing_ , Janis thought, but also appeared to be stifling laughter at her reaction to the confrontation.

“By the end of first period, somebody had vandalized her locker with the words ‘space dyke’”, her mother continued. “And we took the day to clear things up, and I want to let Janis provide the last bit of information.”

She could tell that her father knew what was coming, and that he didn’t want to hear it. Janis looked at her mother, who nodded, encouraging her to say it anyways. She could feel her eyes welling with tears, but did her best to speak clearly. “I think she’s right. I… I think I am a lesbian.”

Janis looked down to avoid acknowledging her father’s reaction. The tears began spilling down her cheeks as she heard her mother whisper to her dad, “That’s all. You can react verbally now.”

She looked up tearfully as her father cleared his throat. “You _think_ you’re gay.” A long pause. “You just _think_ you’re gay.”

“I’m pretty sure she knows, Steven.” Janis was never more grateful for her mother than in that moment.

“Janis, really? You’re gay?”

Still crying, she couldn’t muster much more than a nod. She knew, based on her mother’s immediate reaction, that this wasn’t going to end well. “Can I… can I go now?” she choked out.

Her mother nodded, and Janis headed to her room. Before she even made it to the top of the stairs, she heard her parents’ voices raise.

“You’re really okay with her being… being… _gay_?” her father sputtered incredulously. She shuddered, perching at the top of the stairs. Janis knew that this would inevitably make her feel worse, but she wanted to know.

“Of fucking _course_ I’m okay with it! She’s our daughter just the same!”

“You’re always saying how you want to raise her right, and this is an obvious indication that we’ve failed!”

“Steven. Calm the fuck down. Who she loves has no bearing on how we raised her. It’s just how she is.” Her mom was eerily calm.

“I don’t know why I thought any child I had with you would be normal. Deep down, you’re still just damaged Veronica Sawyer. Janis proves that.”

Janis gasped quietly. Even she, at twelve years old, knew that her mom’s past had been difficult and traumatizing, and definitely not something to be thrown back in her face like that.

“You don’t know half of the shit Veronica Sawyer did,” she heard her mother say dangerously. “If you did, you wouldn’t fucking dare bring it up now, especially to use it to blame our daughter’s sexuality.”

There was a long silence. Janis didn’t know what was happening and was half tempted to creep down the stairs to see, but stopped herself. This may have been about her, but it was her parents’ business. She didn’t have to wonder much longer, because she heard her mother speak again.

“If you can’t deal with my daughter being gay, then get out. My name is on the mortgage. You can find somewhere else to live, and if you don’t come to your senses, we can get a divorce. I’m not going to live with or stay married to somebody so bigoted that they can’t love their own daughter because of who she happens to love.”

Janis could her hear father attempt to protest, but her mother cut him off again. “No buts. You’ve made it clear. You have ten minutes to pack your bags. We can talk next week, and no sooner. Get out.” Her mother sounded dangerous when she was angry, and it made Janis all the sadder.

She picked herself up off the stairs and laid on her bed, mind racing. Her parents were going to separate, and it was all her fault. She was gay and nobody would ever love her, and it was all her fault. Her dad was angry that she was gay. That was Janis’s fault. Her mom was angry at her dad being angry that Janis was gay. That was _definitely_ Janis’s fault.

Not knowing what else to do, Janis just stayed splayed out on top of her unmade bed and cried until she couldn’t cry any longer. After that, she just lay there, staring at the ceiling, wishing she was anybody but herself. Anything but gay.

* * *

Janis woke up the next day, splayed out over her bed, and still in her clothes from the day before. She sat up with a jolt when she remembered what had happened.

She padded carefully down the stairs to the kitchen, where there was a note from her mother waiting on the table.

_Janis,_ it read, _I really had to go in to work today. I am so sorry about that. I’ll take you out to dinner tonight to make up for it. Your dad may not be around for a while. I don’t know how much you heard of our conversation last night, but he isn’t doing well with you being a lesbian. That is completely his problem, and nothing you need to feel ashamed or disgusted about. You are you: kind, smart, beautiful, lovely you. And you’re my daughter. That’s enough. I love you so so so much. XOXO, Mom_.

Smiling sadly, Janis opened the fridge. She poured herself a glass of juice, feeling too ill to eat anything. Despite all of the encouragement in her mother’s letter, Janis couldn’t help but feel like everything that had happened the previous night was her fault.

Logically, she knew it was her dad’s problem, but she couldn’t shake the guilt. She sipped her juice slowly as she walked back up the stairs to her bedroom. Might as well work on the stupid essay that’d be due when she got back.

Janis opened up her school computer and stared at a blank word document for a long time before breaking into tears. She couldn’t write that essay. She couldn’t even love properly. Who was Janis to exist in the world and ruin her parents’ relationship?

It barely registered that Janis was typing her monologue out. _I hate myself; I hate Regina; I hate being gay; I hate myself._

Looking, as if for the first time, at what she’d written, Janis was shaken. She didn’t know what she could do to numb the pain that she was feeling.

Naturally, she turned to Google. ‘ _How do I stop feeling?’_ she asked the internet, scrolling through pages of results before coming across a blog that spoke to her. The person who ran the blog posted lots of pictures of the scars on their arm, as well as a lot of posts about how much they hated themselves.

She knew that cutting herself would be wrong, and that it would hurt. She also knew that it would be something she could never reveal to her mother, and that would just hurt their family more. However, the more she scrolled through the blog she found, and the blogs that it linked to, the more it seemed… _appealing_ wasn’t the right word, but it was the only one she could think of.

Now she really hated that her mother had to go to work, because not only did Janis have to be alone with her thoughts, she had to be alone with _these_ thoughts specifically.

_It’s a common thing, right?_ Janis thought to herself as she dug through the cabinets in the bathroom for the razor blades, she knew her parents kept in there. _So. It has to help some people deal. Maybe it could help me_.

Janis _knew_ , she really did. But she was curious, and her best friend had just turned on her and outed her as a lesbian to the whole school when Janis hadn’t even figured out that she was gay. So, she took a blade out of the box, inspected it, and nervously placed it against the soft skin of her forearm.

_This is wrong_ , she thought, pressing down. _And it hurts._ She pulled across. _Yep. That hurts. But I kinda deserve it._ Watching the blood seep out of the cut was almost mesmerizing. _I’m the reason my parents are fighting_. Another cut? _Everybody at school thinks I’m disgusting_. Yeah. _Even I think I’m disgusting._ One more? _I’m a horrible person._ Yeah. Last one. For today.

Staring at the three marks on her arm in dim awareness, Janis couldn’t stop spiraling. She knew she didn’t want to die, though, so she wiped off the razor with toilet paper, rinsed it, wiped it again, and put it away. She flushed the toilet paper.

Having cold water run over the wounds hurt more than Janis expected. She shook her head, believing once again that she was deserving of the pain. Watching the water, pink with her blood, run down the drain, Janis wondered how she was going to hide this from her mother. It was coming up on wintertime, so she’d be regularly wearing long sleeves. That would have to do for now.

An old T-shirt wrapped around her arm, Janis ventured downstairs again. Cactus meowed at her from the kitchen, asking for food. She smiled at him, pouring food into his bowl.

“Sorry about that, buddy.” She murmured, putting the cat food back under the sink. “You don’t know half of what’s going on, do you?”

Janis finally got to work on her essay, writing a paragraph or two before getting bored and pulling a book from her bookshelf. Before she knew it, the light outside was dimming and her mother was opening the door.

Rapidly, she launched herself out of bed and into her closet. She dug around until she found a lightweight long-sleeved shirt and jeans. It wasn’t that cold out, but she wouldn’t be sweaty in this, and it would cover her arm.

“Janis,” her mother called. “I’m home! Where do you want to go for dinner?”

Darting into the bathroom, she shouted back, “Uh, I don’t know. Gimme a minute, I’m in the bathroom.”

As quickly as possible, Janis took the T-shirt off her arm and placed band-aids gently over each cut. Then she used the bathroom, pulled on her outfit of choice, and made her way calmly downstairs.

“Can we go to that Chinese restaurant downtown?” Janis asked, once she found her mother in the laundry room. “I’m craving dumplings.”

* * *

To Janis’s delight, her mother managed to get Friday and the whole weekend off. They played board games, went into the city to explore museums, drove out to the closest nature preserve to walk and take pictures, and pretty much anything else that would be fun and take their minds off of everything.

Soon enough, Sunday night rolled around, and Janis’s anxiety shot through the roof. She did _not_ want to go to school tomorrow, and she certainly did not want to interact with any of her peers. None of her ‘friends’ had reached out to see how she was doing; nobody at all had made contact with her.

When she changed into her pajamas that night, Janis spent a long time staring at the cuts on her arm that were just barely starting to scar over.

_It could help distract from the anxiety,_ a voice in Janis’s head encouraged. _You deserve to feel pain. You ruined your social life all by yourself, just because you couldn’t keep your feelings in check_.

Everything would have been so much easier if Janis had just liked boys. Being gay sucked.

Instead of brushing her teeth in the bathroom that night, Janis dug out a razor blade, wrapped it in toilet paper, and shoved it in the waistband of her PJ shorts. Then she brushed her teeth, stared into her own eyes in the mirror for a long while, and returned to her room.

Soon enough, the lights were out in Janis’s room as tears rolled down her cheeks and she just barely restrained herself from digging into her skin again.

Her mother hadn’t noticed the whole weekend. She could keep the people at school from noticing.

Once again, Janis fell asleep on top of her unmade bed, tears drying on her cheeks.

Unfortunately, school the next day lived up to Janis’s expectations. Regina ignored her; ‘space dyke’ was still sharpied on her locker; she got jostled in the halls and jeered at in the cafeteria and heard the word ‘dyke’ directed at her so many times within those eight hours that it almost lost its meaning. Almost.

Teachers seemed to be the only people who still saw Janis as a human person, not some oddity to be mocked and laughed at.

* * *

The jeers never stopped.

Janis cried about it in front of her mother after the first few days back at school, but she saw the hurt in her eyes. It was all Janis’s doing, and she could at least spare her mother, the one person who would love her in this lifetime, that pain. So, she said things were getting better, people were getting bored of the teasing.

They weren’t.

No other scapegoat had arisen, and the comments still buried themselves under Janis’s skin deeper than she buried the blade far too often, crying and chastising herself and wishing she was anybody else, anything but gay.

Life continued like that for Janis until her birthday, months later. She had dozens of scars on her arm, and looking at them was a constant reminder of how much of a mess she was.

“Did you… still want to dye your hair blonde?”

Janis’s mother looked terrified to ask, worried that it was all Regina’s idea. Janis still did want to dye her hair, though. Anything she could change, she wanted to. Her mother took her to dye her hair and took her shopping for new clothes. Janis was a teenager now, and her mother said she should be able to dress like it.

Immediately, Janis was attracted to the boxy, oversized jackets she saw. They covered her hands, and so would successfully hide her arms from public scrutiny.

Loose, flowy shirts underneath concealed the shape of the body she so detested. Janis hadn’t needed to upgrade her wardrobe to accommodate curves that she did not have, did not feel worthy of acquiring. Perhaps her mind had grown up quickly, it had to, but she knew she did not deserve for her body to follow suit. Nobody should ever even consider the possibility that Janis might be desirable.

She selected fishnets and other tights with pretty patterns, knowing when the warmer weather came, they would distract from the patterns she knew would be carved into her thighs.

Thank god her mom didn’t insist she model the things she tried on.

Despite the fact that she was expecting it, Janis was still unnerved when people commented on her hair. The platinum did little to make her look less pale, but to her peers it did a number of things. Janis didn’t even want to think of them again, at least, after she immortalized their words with another line across her arm, or thigh, or wherever. She didn’t care anymore.

And she got careless.

Janis wasn’t supposed to know about the pending divorce, but her mother rarely raised her voice on the phone, or at all. So, when she did, Janis paid close attention.

Which led to another night of crying, curled up in a ball, asleep on top of her rumpled blankets with the lights still on. When Janis’s mom came in to whisper goodnight and press a kiss to her forehead before turning out the lights, she saw Janis’s arms, left carelessly uncovered.

Her gasp, naturally, awoke her daughter. Janis stared wide-eyed at her mother, immediately and fully alert. Her mom stared right back, but in concerned silence, appearing to be on the verge of tears.

“Janis…” she whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me it had gotten this bad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, Ronnie! Long time no see," her therapist, Aspen, greeted her.
> 
> "Hey Aspen." Veronica heaved a sigh as she followed the older woman to her office.
> 
> "I know you wouldn't be here if things were going great, so we can skip that bullshit. But how are you dealing with whatever's going on?"
> 
> Looking into her therapist's gentle green eyes, Veronica found it easy to let everything out. "I'm not... I keep blaming myself for everything that's going on with my daughter's life and Steven is blaming me too, but not for the exact same things, and I really want to turn back to my old, unhealthy coping mechanisms but I want to be a good example for Janis and I can't be as fucked up as I used to be."
> 
> Aspen looked Veronica up and down calmly. "Okay," she said. "Why don't we slow down, and you tell me what triggered this cascade?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little bit shorter than usual, but it's still substantial, and all i could come up with on my travel time. lots of love.
> 
> trigger warnings: self-harm (referenced/mentioned) & urges, bullying/harassment (mentioned), and i think that's it but let me know if i missed anything!

**Chapter 4: Veronica**

When she walked into her daughter’s room to shut off the lights one night, Veronica almost screamed. The last thing she had expected to see was Janis’s arms littered with cuts and barely-healed scars. It couldn’t have been that often, considering she could only see maybe a dozen across each arm, but it was still shocking.

She must have let out a gasp, because Janis bolted upright, staring at her.

“Janis…” Veronica couldn’t believe she hadn’t known her daughter was hurting so much. “Why didn’t you tell me it had gotten this bad?”

Janis just stared at Veronica, who couldn’t prevent the tears from slipping out of her eyes and down her cheeks. A long moment of silence. Eventually, a whisper.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Veronica’s heart broke. She sat down next to her daughter, looking pointedly at her face instead of her wrists.

“Sweetheart. You could never.” She took a deep breath, searching for the right words. “I just… I don’t ever want you to be hurting… to the point where you’re cutting yourself… and feel like you can’t tell me.”

Veronica saw Janis open her mouth before closing it again, having no argument or even a response. “I know that sometimes it feels like causing yourself pain is the only way, but… I promise it’s not. I can’t promise that things will get better soon, but we can get help. You could see a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or we can… we can do lots of things, sweetheart, we have lots of options.”

She didn’t let herself give in to the tears falling from her eyes, knowing she had to be strong for her daughter. Suddenly, she had a realization. Veronica had done the same thing, once upon a time. “Um… Janis, honey. You’re not alone.”

A quizzical look from her dark-eyed girl. “I know, mom, but it feels like I am.”

“I know, sweetie, but… um… that’s not what I meant.” Veronica edged up her skirt just enough to reveal a few of the thin white scars on her thighs. “I’ve been at the point where this feels like a solution. But I found somebody who taught me that there are _so many_ other solutions.”

Janis looked up at her, eyes welling with tears. She let her newly dyed blonde hair curtain her face as she spoke. “It’s… they aren’t… deep or anything. And they… I don’t have like… a _lot_ … but sometimes… there’s one for every day people say mean things to me, or one for every certain mean comment. Every time…” Veronica’s frown deepened as Janis’s voice hitched. “Every time I feel like I’ve inconvenienced people or ruined their lives in some way, I made one.”

Both girls let silence reign for a long moment. Veronica didn’t know how to respond to that. She took a deep breath in another attempt to quell the tears so quickly threatening to spill over. There wasn’t much she could say to Janis, not much she could offer in comfort. Kids were being intolerant assholes, and as much as she hated it, Veronica had no control over that. The fact that administration hadn’t taken any action that they’d promised was on her mind, but just barely.

“Janis,” Veronica began tentatively. “Would you like to try and find somebody who can help you?” A few tears ran down her cheeks despite her efforts to keep them at bay. “I wish I could help you more, but… I can’t.”

Veronica blinked fiercely, attempting to dispel more tears. Looking at her daughter, so fragile, was heartbreaking. _All I wanted was for her to have a good life. We end up with a suddenly homophobic father in a homophobic area when she’s outed as gay before she knows for sure. She just needs to be okay. I need her to be okay_.

“I… yeah,” Janis sniffled. “Maybe… maybe something like that would be nice.”

Her deep brown eyes, a carbon copy of Veronica’s own, were overflowing with emotion. Veronica couldn’t stifle the tears anymore. “Okay, sweetie. We’ll do that, first thing tomorrow.” She paused, considering her daughter. “Do you need a hug?”

Janis responded by flinging herself at Veronica, who held her tightly and rocked her gently as they both cried.

* * *

It took longer than Veronica wanted, but soon enough she had a list compiled of different therapists and psychologists, about a dozen in total. Over the next month she had secured Janis an appointment with each.

Things at school didn't seem to be improving. Janis no longer was secretive about it, but Veronica still worried that she would return to her former coping mechanism before they found a therapist that worked.

Three psychologists in, Janis had been definitively diagnosed with depression. Veronica had been allowed by Janis to be there for the psychologist appointments, and so she was there for the tears and the comforting and everything in between.

"I can give you a prescription, which is what we usually start teenagers off with," the third said. "It'll come with a whole list of side effects, and it does have a black box label, which means that it could increase the probability of suicidal ideation, but she should be okay."

Veronica looked at the doctor, who looked at Janis. "Do you want to do that, sweetheart?"

Janis nodded.

"I need a verbal consent from you, specifically, Janis." the psychologist said, kindly enough.

"I would like the prescription, please." Janis managed.

Veronica slung an arm around her shoulder and gave a comforting squeeze. She hated that her daughter was having so many problems so early on in her adolescence, and couldn't help but blame herself for all of the mental health related ones.

If only Veronica had kept a better eye on Janis, if only Veronica hadn't been so fucked up as a child, if only this, if only that. Veronica couldn't stand the incessant self-blame running through her head and was tempted to take a blade herself. However, she wanted to be a better role model for Janis.

So, she called her old therapist. Who happened to be in the same office as one of Janis's potential therapists, and had an appointment slot open during Janis's.

Respecting Janis's wishes, Veronica wasn't going to be present for the therapist appointments, only the psychologists, so it was hard, but easy enough, to leave Janis in the care of a kind-looking woman in a sweater vest for an hour.

"Hey, Ronnie! Long time no see," her therapist, Aspen, greeted her.

"Hey Aspen." Veronica heaved a sigh as she followed the older woman to her office.

"I know you wouldn't be here if things were going great, so we can skip that bullshit. But how are you dealing with whatever's going on?"

Looking into her therapist's gentle green eyes, Veronica found it easy to let everything out. "I'm not... I keep blaming myself for everything that's going on with my daughter's life and Steven is blaming me too, but not for the exact same things, and I really want to turn back to my old, unhealthy coping mechanisms but I want to be a good example for Janis and I can't be as fucked up as I used to be."

Aspen looked Veronica up and down calmly. "Okay," she said. "Why don't we slow down, and you tell me what triggered this cascade?"

Veronica nodded. "I'm gonna try to keep this short. One of Janis's friends 'broke up' with her because she thought she was gay, and it spread around the school, and I had to take Janis home early that day." The older woman nodded, encouraging Veronica to continue. "And she told me about this, the whole thing, and she said she did think she was gay. That night, we told Steven. He..." her voice caught, tears threatening to spill. "He got mad and said that her being gay was... my fault... and said that I... was still the girl I was in high school."

The therapist nodded. "How did you deal with that?"

"I was too angry to be... hurt, or whatever. I just needed to defend Janis. So, I told him to get out. We've spoken briefly since, but he's not coming around with the whole gay thing. We're talking about divorce."

"Bringing up past trauma like that, especially having it thrown in your face like that, is never easy to deal with. How long ago was this?" Aspen pushed her greying hair behind her ears, leaning forward intently.

"About a month ago. I... had been dealing with that fairly well, for the circumstances, but..." despite her efforts, a tear slipped down Veronica's cheek, and more soon followed. "Janis didn't know how to deal, she doesn't know a lot, she's just a kid, she's depressed and probably anxious and she's blaming herself and..."

Veronica broke down in sobs, unable to continue speaking.

"She turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms, much as you did." It wasn't a question. She nodded, head still in her hands. The older woman let Veronica cry herself out until she was able to speak again.

"I found her, asleep on her bed with the lights still on... she had... maybe about a dozen... on each arm... and she said there 'weren't that many more'. So... I..."

"You've been blaming yourself for her problems because you still haven't fully processed that your high school trauma was not your fault. This is not a 'damaged' family with a damaged lineage. You were manipulated into doing some bad things at a very vulnerable point in your life. It could have happened to anybody. You are doing the best you can to care for and love your daughter. Can you say that back to me?"

Veronica sniffled. "I... am doing the best I can to care for... and love... my daughter." her breath hitched. "But what if that's not enough?"

"Love is always enough. You love Janis enough to support her regardless of her sexuality, to care for her when she's sick, to take her to psychologists and therapists when she's displaying signs of mental health issues. You love her enough to fight for her as hard as you can. And that is all anybody can ask of you. Say that?"

"I... love Janis enough to fight for her as... hard as I can... and that's all... anybody... can ask of me."

Aspen nodded. "It's not quite time, Ronnie, but usually your kid's therapist will want to speak to you at the end of the session. I can take you up there once you clean yourself up, if you want?"

Veronica nodded, whipping out a compact mirror and tissues from her purse to attempt to disguise the fact that she was just crying.

* * *

The therapist from Aspen's office had been the fifth to suggest that removing Janis from her environment for a while would help.

He had offered homeschool programs, a transfer option, or an inpatient therapy program that included school.

Veronica weighed out all of the options before talking things out with Janis. She knew that it was best to get Janis out of the school, but eventually, she'd have to go back.

The inpatient therapy program was... not what Veronica had wanted to hear. She wanted to know that Janis would be okay with weekly sessions, but apparently constant watch wasn't quite out of the question.

Psychologists had determined that Janis wasn't cutting with an intent to commit suicide, just as a coping mechanism, but the mention of an inpatient program didn't let Veronica rest any easier.

She knew that inpatient therapy programs were very useful, especially to children going through rough times in their life coupled with a mental health disorder. Veronica had voluntarily attended one herself, back in college, before Steven, when she was still struggling with the whole JD thing.

For Janis, she was willing to try anything.

Janis wanted to try to do school for a little while longer while trying the new medication out, so despite Veronica's many concerns, that's what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boy looked up at Janis. "Hi. I'm Damian."
> 
> "Janis."
> 
> "I hope you like my decorating," he said, gesturing to the carpet and the lights and the posters tacked up on his side of the room. "Seems like you'll be seeing a lot of it."
> 
> "Musical fan much?" Janis joked. The boy, Damian, she reminded herself, smiled back at her.
> 
> "Hang on, can I ask you something?"
> 
> Janis nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long to upload! I got busy and unmotivated.
> 
> Anyway! hope you enjoy.
> 
> trigger warnings: therapy, inpatient therapy (setting), self-harm mention, suicidal thoughts, harassment/bullying mention (I think that's it but as always, if I miss something, let me know)

**Chapter 5: Janis**

By the time Janis made it to the therapist at her mom's office, she had had enough. Each one was the same, sympathetic, helpful, but not... not right. The psychiatrists she had settled with fairly quickly. It wasn't necessarily the most important choice in the world to Janis, and she had her mother to help.

Therapists were the ones she had to talk to week after week, spilling her deepest secrets and complaining about things that happened over the week. Nobody seemed like the person Janis wanted to talk to.

Until she sat down with Sally.

Sally was the first therapist to look at Janis, in all her thirteen-year-old glory, and not treat her like a child. Both Sally and Janis had the unspoken understanding that Janis wanted to be treated like an adult, as much as possible, and wouldn't take any bullshit.

"Things have been tough for you, obviously," Sally started, gesturing to the beanbags in the corner for Janis to sit on. "We can talk about that whenever you're ready. I get the sense that it's a continuing issue. But whatever. We know it's an issue, blah blah blah. I want to get to know _you_ , Janis."

The girl looked up quizzically from where she had flopped down on a black beanbag.

"Janis, I need to get to know you before I can help you. I can't just hear about your problems and not know anything else, because then I won't be able to know how to fix them."

So, Janis nodded, and told the kind young woman in front of her the basics of her life. She was thirteen, her middle name was Heather, she had a cat named Cactus that she loved with all her heart. Eventually, Janis had to mention Regina and her father. "And... I'm... I think, anyways... I think I'm gay."

Sally nodded. "Cool. Me too. Any cute girls in your grade?"

Janis wrung her hands anxiously. "My best... my, uh, former best friend... I thought she was cute. But I guess she knew that somehow, and she didn't like that, and she uh... outed me? I guess that's the right word?"

A tear slipped down Janis's cheek. Sally looked at her, but didn't say anything, a silent cue to continue.

"And... I still don't super know if I'm gay or anything, but everybody else just took her word for it... It's not a good environment at school and the teachers don't really help. I don't know how to deal with any of it. I just... I don't know." Janis shook her head, allowing her blonde hair to curtain her face, not looking up at Sally.

The woman spoke gently. "It sounds like you should get out of that environment, Janis. There are lots of other school options in the area. You could even go to an inpatient therapy center; they have classes there."

Janis pushed her hair behind her ear. "Inpatient? Like... a mental hospital?"

"Only if you want to, or think you need to, unless you like... threaten to kill yourself or act like you're going to try to kill yourself, or actually kill yourself. Just shit like that will force you in. Other than that, it's your choice." Sally paused. "Is it alright if I swear in front of you? Old habits die hard."

Janis chuckled weakly. "Swearing is fine. It's not like I don't get called a 'fucking dyke' at school most days." She swallowed. "My dad is... taking this about as well as the kids at school. Mom... kicked him out."

"And you feel like you've ruined your parent's marriage," Sally offered bluntly. "But I promise you haven't."

A moment of silence. Janis gathered her courage, and in a wave of boldness, pushed up her sweatshirt sleeve, revealing the pink lines across her arm. "Sure seems like I have."

Sally didn't bat an eye. "Did that start before or after you were outed?"

"After."

"Why?"

Janis thought. It seemed like Sally genuinely wanted to know, wanted to figure things out and help Janis, but still, the words wouldn't come.

"I... uh..." She sputtered, searching for the words she wanted. "Dyke... dad... wrong... hurt everyone..." was all Janis managed to choke out. Sally offered a tissue, which was gratefully accepted.

Janis was surprised. This was the first therapist she had cried in front of. That thought scared her, but also encouraged her. Wasn't she supposed to feel things?

Sally let Janis cry herself out, speaking softly to warn Janis that it was the time for her mother to come up and join them for the end of the first session. "We'll just wait for them now, okay? You can talk if you want to until then, or not."

* * *

Janis was grateful for her mother, but sometimes she could be a little intense. She began fretting over Janis's decision to try to continue her current schooling while on new medications and would not stop.

It was honestly worrisome.

The second week that her mother was home every day when Janis returned from school, she decided to probe. "Mom, don't you have to work to make money?"

"Janis, sweetheart, I can't work right now." She shook her short, dark hair out of her face, but didn't elaborate.

"Why not?"

Janis didn't want her mother missing work just to make sure Janis wasn't alone. Janis could handle alone. She certainly had for a while.

Maybe her mother was right. Janis 'handling' her solitude and bullying was... not healthy. Knowing that didn't stop Janis's mind from wandering off to the razor blade tucked neatly in the back of her dresser drawer when she was crying so hard, she couldn't think straight.

Not much stopped Janis from digging her bad habits out night after night. At least now it wasn't because of the bullying, Janis justified. She handled that. She didn't feel much anymore.

Actually, that was the problem. Janis didn't feel much anymore. So, she cut, in an attempt to feel anything.

The only emotion that gained her was guilt.

By some miracle, Janis was able to hide her continuations from her mother. When it came to Sally, though, Janis couldn't lie.

It wasn't for a lack of trying. She looked into the older woman's soft blue eyes and went to say she was doing better, and just... started crying.

Sally didn't even look at her like she was broken. That was new.

Janis had been broken for months and she had gotten used to people looking at her like she was. It was refreshing to have somebody just... accept it as part of her.

Now, obviously, Sally wasn't going to condone self-destructive behavior, but at least she wasn't treating Janis like a baby bird with a broken wing.

Janis's psychiatrist messed with her meds a little when Sally contacted him. The adjustments didn't seem to make much of a difference. Sometimes they would make Janis more numb than usual, more desperate to feel.

One switch to an entirely new medication did let Janis feel. She felt like she deserved to die. The continuous taunts of _space dyke_ didn't help her situation at all. Janis often found herself crying in the bathroom at lunch. She hadn't stopped cutting.

Janis finally went to her mother when the only thing she could feel was that she deserved to die. That was when she got pulled out of school.

"Janis, sweetheart. I love you, and I respect you, but I'm putting my foot down."

Janis looked at her mother, almost the same height now. "What?"

"We can't keep changing your meds at home and sending you to school to get taunted and harassed. I... we need to get you more intense therapy."

"Sally said it was up to me..." Janis knew it was for the best, she wasn't suddenly illogical, but she just didn't want to accept that.

"Yes, well, talk to her tomorrow." Her mother eyed her, cautiously, before grabbing her hand. "You can get help."

* * *

Sally pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Do you want to go?"

"I don't know."

And Janis really didn't know. School was hell, the taunts never letting up. But Janis knew that she'd be marked as weak if she left, if she admitted that she needed help. That was the one thing Janis knew. Asking for help meant she was weak. And she couldn't be weak. Not after all that she put her mother through, and certainly not anywhere Regina might find out.

But people had spied the thin red lines marking Janis's wrists when she had to push up her sleeves to wash her hands.

_Psycho, cutter,_ and _suicidal bitch_ had joined the taunts of _lesbo, space dyke,_ and the others.

And Janis needed out. Out of the pressure, out of the blame, out of the hurricane that had been beating down on her for the past few months.

Janis didn't know how to ask for the help she needed, but when Sally prompted again, "Would you like to try inpatient therapy and the accompanying education?" Janis nodded.

She took a shaky breath, nodding again. "Yes. Please."

* * *

One week and a whirlwind of paperwork later, Janis found herself at the front doors of a large house, waiting for her mother to come up the stairs with her bags.

When she finally did arrive, Janis spied the tears welling in her eyes. Wordlessly, she reached out to hug her mother before finally ringing the doorbell.

A short woman, shorter than Janis stood even then, opened the door and welcomed them in. Her name was Alyssa, and she toured them around the grounds of the house that Janis was beginning to think of as a mansion.

She explained the workings of inpatient therapy, explaining visitation rules to Janis's mother, describing the ins and outs of the schedule to Janis, and sitting them both down to discuss med checks and adjustments.

When Alyssa finally ushered Veronica out the door, it had been over two hours. She smiled kindly up at Janis. "Here, I'll grab your bags and we can go say hello to your roommate for the next few weeks."

Upstairs, Janis found her roommate in a small room with cream walls and a plush blue carpet. A string of fairy lights was hung on the wall above the occupied bed, and a cutesy lamp was on the desk next to the bed that would become Janis's. A boy around Janis's age was sitting on the bed under the fairy lights.

"Janis," Alyssa began. "This is Damian. You'll get to know each other much better during our group therapy session after lunch, but since you'll be living together, introduce yourselves now."

Alyssa exited the room, skirt swishing behind her.

The boy looked up at Janis. "Hi. I'm Damian."

"Janis."

"I hope you like my decorating," he said, gesturing to the carpet and the lights and the posters tacked up on his side of the room. "Seems like you'll be seeing a lot of it."

"Musical fan much?" Janis joked. The boy, Damian, she reminded herself, smiled back at her.

"Hang on, can I ask you something?"

Janis nodded.

"Okay, so I don't mean to be rude, but like... they don't usually do boy/girl roommates here, even though..." his voice caught a little, but Janis pretended not to notice. "Even though I'm gay, I've only roomed with boys. So..."

For whatever reason, Janis wasn't upset by his question. She could feel it hanging in the air, but this kid was gay too, and he obviously didn't mean her any harm. They were both in the same place, after all. So, Janis nodded.

"Yeah. I'm pretty gay, dude."

For the next hour, Janis sat on her new bed in her new room, getting to know her new roommate. He was flamboyantly gay, very into musical theatre, and had a very pretty voice. She told him about her dad and Regina, the story rolling off her tongue without tears running down her cheeks, and somehow, this boy had made himself at home in Janis's heart when she didn't even know if _she_ was at home there.

Damian had the same sarcastic sense of humor, and Janis enjoyed making the boy laugh. Eventually, she was comfortable enough to broach the question.

"So... uh... why are you here?"

Damian sighed lightly. "Gay, bullied, bad home life, you name it."

"Sorry. You don't have to talk about it outside of when you need to," a pointed eye roll that got Damian to chuckle, "but if you ever want to, I'm a pretty good listener. I mean, I listened to Regina talk about boys for hours on end, so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I fucking love frogs," Janis said, grabbing her suitcase and backpack before taking his hand and leaving the room. "I fucking love you."
> 
> "No swearing," Damian admonished mockingly. "I fucking love you too, weirdo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! it might be a while until i next update, i'm starting college soon, so i'm gonna be busy and stressed, but i will do my best to keep this going.
> 
> trigger warnings are pretty light this chapter: therapy (some inpatient), bullying/harassment mentions, self harm mention
> 
> and i think that's it. as always, if i've missed anything, let me know!
> 
> also, sorry this one is a little shorter than usual, i'm not full of inspiration to write at the moment. love you all!

**Chapter 6: Janis**

Inpatient therapy wasn't nearly as bad as Janis had made it out to be in her head. Nobody cared that she was gay. No insults were hurled at her in the halls.

It was far more likely that Janis would be thrown a compliment about her outfit that day than any snarky remark about her sexuality.

Slowly but surely, she was learning to cope without the razor deep in her skin. One rough night, she opened up to Damian about it.

"I just really want to cut right now," she sniffled, after he asked what was wrong.

"Awh JanJan, sweet, talk to me. What's going through your mind?" When she didn't respond immediately, he continued. "I mean, I've been here long enough that I'm practically another licensed therapist."

Janis laughed through her tears, and looked at the boy across the room. His aquamarine eyes expressed nothing but concern for the girl he had met not even a week ago. "It's just... I need to feel something, or I deserve to feel pain, or just... the comfort of having control over something for once in my life."

Damian nodded solemnly, encouraging her to continue. "I just always feel like it's my fault that my parents are getting a divorce, and it's all because I'm gay, and like... why couldn't I just like guys?"

"I know the feeling, JanJan. But liking girls is just the way you were made. It's not a choice, and it's not your fault your dad's an intolerant asshole."

"Nobody's ever said it so bluntly before. I like that." Janis sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I like you, Damian Hubbard."

"And I like you, Janis Sarkisian. I bet if we were both straight, we'd totally be soulmates." He laid the sarcasm on thickly, and they both burst out laughing, which earned them a rap on the door and a reprimand to obey lights out.

Needless to say, they rarely did as they were told about their sleep schedule. They bonded over midnight cry sessions and asshole fathers, sarcastic remarks and abnormal sleep schedules.

Nobody dared to separate the two buffoons laughing down the hallways. Laughter was treasured, and nobody in the group wanted to do anything that might take it away.

* * *

Being away from school was a fear that Janis slowly let go of, day after day spent with Damian, and a new therapist named Genevieve, and the other kids in the group.

Before she knew it, Janis had been there a week, but it felt like she had known Damian for years.

Her side of the room was finally catching up to Damian's. Janis had her own string of lights, interspersed with small things she had sketched that she liked.

Damian smiled wider than she'd ever seen before when he walked in and saw her clipping up the drawings.

"Jesus, JanJan, you're talented. I could never make something that good." He pointed at one drawing. "Wait, Jan, is that... did you draw me?"

Janis giggled, flattered. "Yeah, we're _soulmates_ ," she remarked sarcastically. "How could I not?"

The more they got to know each other, the less sarcastic they became when calling each other 'soulmates'. It wasn't romantic in the least, but they were surely destined to have met.

Damian was switching into Janis's school district after his time at the Home, as they called it, and Janis was excited.

They even had the same release date from the Home, and both of their mothers had agreed to keep them home through the summer, sending them back at the beginning of high school.

Janis suddenly found herself looking forward to waking up each morning, and thoughts of the razor blade buried deep in her mind, hidden under layers of shame and healthy coping mechanisms. Damian suddenly found himself looking forward to high school, thinking of all the performances he would get to be a part of, and the other friendly face that would surely be in the audience.

Damian wasn't Janis's saving grace, but he was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, the arm reaching out to pull her from the depths of the ocean, the sun past the edge of a hurricane.

Janis and Damian met their mothers on the steps of the Home together, eager to make introductions so that they could hang out all summer.

"Mom, this is Damian. He was my roommate and we're best friends forever now." Janis smiled up at Veronica, who was close to tears, seeing her daughter's vivacious personality shine again.

"I'm Veronica Sarkisian," she said, smiling at the other woman standing on the steps. "Janis's mother."

"Lisa Hubbard, Damian's mom."

Damian was bouncing on his heels, as was Janis, and neither of the mothers were too sure what to make of that.

"Mom, mom, mom!" he exclaimed. "Can Janis come with us when we go to the lake house next month?"

Lisa smiled over at Veronica. "If Veronica says Janis can come, I don't see why not. We always have room for a best friend forever."

Janis grinned up at the mothers. "Mom, please can I go? Please?"

Veronica couldn't resist the smile breaking on Janis's face, the sincere grin that she'd been missing for almost half a year now. "Sure, baby girl. You can go."

With plans settled, or as settled as they needed to be for the eager kids, Janis and Damian ran back inside to fetch their bags. The mothers exchanged contact information and discussed plans for the summer.

"Damian, I can't believe they said yes!" Janis shouted, bouncing on her bed.

"Me either! It's gonna be the best best friend vacation ever!"

"Your mom seems really nice," Janis said. "I like her."

"I like your mom too, but she seems very... strict." Damian was referring to the manner in which she tended to speak, and the business suit she was wearing, having come from her office.

"Nah, she's not really a strict mom. She's just a lawyer, that's all. And very protective."

"Cool. Oh my gosh, Janis, we're gonna have to get my mom to take us out to the island in the middle of the lake! It's got like... the best beach ever and we can pack a picnic and go swimming and watch the ducks and catch frogs!"

"Wait, really? You have a boat?" Janis's brown eyes widened. "There are frogs?"

"Yeah, we have a little boat, and yes, there are so many frogs!" Damian smiled as he slid off of his bed for what would hopefully be the last time.

"I fucking _love_ frogs," Janis said, grabbing her suitcase and backpack before taking his hand and leaving the room. "I fucking love you."

"No swearing," Damian admonished mockingly. "I fucking love you too, weirdo."

The two skipped out to their waiting mothers, where Damian loudly and theatrically kissed Janis on both cheeks before leaving with his mother.

* * *

Sally seemed happy to see Janis back in her office full of beanbags after her stint in inpatient. "How are you?"

Janis smiled, a real smile that reached her eyes, and laughed. "You don't want to know how all my _therapy_ went first?"

"I got updates from the therapists at the Home, so no, I want to know how you are."

Janis brushed a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm really good, for real."

The rest of their session was spent talking about her new friend Damian, and her art, and Sally offered to run every other session as an 'art therapy' session for Janis. Heart thrumming in her chest from all the praise and true happiness, Janis agreed as she flipped through her sketchbook.

When her mother came in to pick her up, Janis was positively bouncing.

"Hey baby girl, what's up?" Veronica smiled, glad to see her daughter back. Janis kept bouncing as she explained Sally's art therapy and all the materials she could use and how great everything had been and how she couldn't wait to see Damian.

It was the first time in a long time that Janis had just _talked_ to her mother, no big news, no expectations, just Janis being excited and word vomiting at the woman who loved her the most in this world.

Soon enough, the excited discussions with her mother were second nature, something she did every day, akin to writing in a diary.

Then it was the week of Janis's vacation with Damian and his mother to their camp, and when she came downstairs for breakfast, bags already packed, she found her mother sitting at the table with a mischievous glimmer in her eyes.

"What, Mom?" Janis asked, laughing lightly at her mother's expression. "Did you put sugar in the eggs instead of salt? It's not April Fool’s Day, you know."

"I know, baby girl. I'm just gonna miss you when you're off having fun without me." Veronica sighed, reaching over the table to stroke her daughter's thick hair.

"I'm only gonna be gone for a week. And you have work." Janis chided, secretly sharing her mother's sentiment. She was going to miss the comfort of her mother's presence. And what if she... god forbid, what if she had a panic attack? Damian could handle it, certainly, he was good at calming her down, but what about his mother? She seemed nice enough, but Janis wasn't ready to trust people immediately when they came into her life anymore.

"I know you'll miss me too," she whispered, a smile playing across her lips. "So, I got you... _this_!"

Janis's eyes widened as her mother procured something from her lap to wave it around in the air. It was... a box.

"Oh my god, Mom, how did you know I've always wanted a little box!" the snide remark leaving her mouth without a second thought.

Veronica didn't even blink. "I know, aren't I the greatest?"

A moment of silence.

"But really, JJ. Open the box."

Janis complied. Nestled neatly inside the box was a small phone. She gasped and bolted up from her seat to hug her mother.

It wasn't anything special, like the iPhone her mother had, but it was a phone, and it was Janis's. Then she spied the plan for her minutes. And squealed like she had when she opened the box to reveal a kitten Cactus mewing happily.

"Mom, what?"

"You're growing up, baby girl. You're gonna go on more trips away from me, and I need to have some way to get in touch with you in case something goes wrong or we just wanna talk. Also, you need to text Damian. My number, his number, and his mom's number are already in there."

"I love you," Janis exclaimed, embracing her mother once more.

* * *

It was only once she was in the car with Damian that Janis realized that was the first time she had told her mother she loved her in... well, far too long.

She didn't catch herself brooding before Damian did. He tapped her on the shoulder, whispering "You all good, girl?"

Janis smiled back at him, not having the heart to say anything. Besides, long car rides tended to make her slightly nauseous.

"We're almost there. Just another half hour," he smiled at her, sensing her discomfort. "Anything I can do?"

Janis didn't respond, just shrugged. She wasn't sure anything would fix the nausea and regret churning uncomfortably in her stomach. Damian had other ideas.

"Mom, can you put my CD on?"

Lisa complied, and suddenly the opening riff of some musical was blasting through the speakers. Janis smiled over at Damian, who had begun bouncing in excitement.

That sight alone made her feel just a little bit better. It always would.

And maybe Janis didn't like Broadway. But Damian loved it, and Janis loved Damian. If she listened to his favorite musicals when she was lonely, that was her business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Janis." Damian poked the blonde mess of hair peeking out from under the covers. No response.
> 
> "Janis," he said, poking slightly harder. Still nothing.
> 
> "Jaaaniiiis," he sang, now poking her repeatedly without letting up. Nothing.
> 
> How the fuck is she still sleeping? Damian wondered, continuing to poke.
> 
> "Janis, if you don't give me some sign that you're conscious, I will sit on you." He threatened loudly.
> 
> A small mhmph came from beneath the covers, but Damian was not having it. He hefted himself on top of Janis's slender form, and not gently.
> 
> "Damian!" she cried out indignantly.
> 
> Damian smirked at her, even though her head was still under the covers. He was quite satisfied that his efforts to drag his friend out of bed finally worked. 
> 
> "That's what you get, Sleeping Beauty."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! It's been a little bit, and I apologize for that, but I've been adjusting to college life and my courseload. I've been finding more time to write though, and I want to try and have one-three more chapters up by or on October 3rd, because DUH! I'm creating Mean Girls content!!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: depression, disordered eating (mention)
> 
> I think that's it, but as always, let me know if I missed anything!

** Chapter 7: Damian **

Damian could sense Janis's discomfort throughout the drive to his camp, and he guessed it was because she was in yet another new situation. He could adjust easily to change, or, at least he acted like he could, but Janis seemed the type to let things bother her outwardly.

When his mom put on Damian's favorite Broadway soundtracks, he saw Janis smile, and her eyes didn't look so heavy with whatever emotion was holding them down.

As soon as the car was off, Damian practically exploded with excitement. Here he was, at his favorite place in the world, and he got to share it with his new best friend.

His only friend for a long time.

Damian didn't tell Janis this, partially because he was embarrassed of it, and partially because he knew she would be sympathetic, and he just didn't want to think about it.

He could hear Janis's heavy boots pounding the ground behind him as he ran from the backyard down to the pebbles by the shore that comprised their 'beach'.

"Jesus, Damian, wait the fuck up!" Janis shouted after him, panting.

"I'm excited," Damian responded, somewhat disappointedly. He hadn't expected Janis to be like all the other kids he went to school with, but he probably should have. Just because they were fucked up in similar ways didn't mean that Janis couldn't be a bitch.

Janis must have seen the crestfallen look that crossed Damian's face, because as soon as she reached him, her arms were thrown tightly around him. "Keep being excited," she whispered. "But if you keep being excited that fucking fast... I won't be able to keep up. Shitty lungs and all."

Damian smiled into his friend's long hair. It smelled faintly of something tropical, he thought first. He could get used to this.

"Okay, girl, let go of me so I can be excited at an appropriate pace for your slow ass."

Janis smiled at that, a genuine smile, and the first one he had seen from her in a few hours. God, how he had missed the way her eyes lit up and her nose crinkled just slightly when she really smiled. If Damian wasn't gay, he would totally be in love with Janis. But both kids were gay, and working on being happy being gay.

* * *

"Janis." Damian poked the blonde mess of hair peeking out from under the covers. No response.

"Janis," he said, poking slightly harder. Still nothing.

"Jaaaniiiis," he sang, now poking her repeatedly without letting up. Nothing.

_How the fuck is she still sleeping_? Damian wondered, continuing to poke.

"Janis, if you don't give me some sign that you're conscious, I will sit on you." He threatened loudly.

A small _mhmph_ came from beneath the covers, but Damian was not having it. He hefted himself on top of Janis's slender form, and not gently.

"Damian!" she cried out indignantly.

Damian smirked at her, even though her head was still under the covers. He was quite satisfied that his efforts to drag his friend out of bed finally worked.

"That's what you get, Sleeping Beauty."

Janis just groaned.

Damian climbed off the bed to avoid suffocating her, but when Janis made no further efforts to move, he got frustrated.

"Janis, sweetheart, I love you. But I have been awake for two hours and I want to go to that island today and you're not _awake_ and for fucks sake I'm excited and we're on a _vacation!_ "

Janis rolled over to face him, pulling the covers off her head. Her brown eyes stared dolefully at him, dark circles standing out more than they had the day before. Damian couldn't _not_ go soft at the expression on her face.

"Oh, love..." he whispered, mind frantically trying to come up with ways to help. "It's okay, JanJan, I promise, we'll be okay. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

She shook her head. At a loss, Damian stared at her for a moment.

Apparently, that was one moment too long, because Janis squeezed her eyes shut tight and a few tears leaked out.

"Oh, JanJan," Damian whispered, staring sadly at his friend. "Can I cuddle with you? Would that help?"

Janis didn't respond, didn't even move under the covers, but Damian couldn't stand to watch her powerlessly. "I'm gonna climb onto the bed, Janis, okay? I'm just gonna slide right in next to you and wrap my arms around you, okay?"

He cautiously clambered up on the bed, jostling it as little as possible. Quickly, he slid his body under the covers next to his smaller friend, pressing himself up against her so that the cold air couldn't hit her. She shivered anyway.

As Damian's arms wrapped around Janis, he heard a little whimper.

He instinctively pulled her further into him. "Hey, sweets? I'm sorry about how I woke you up. I didn't know you were feeling like this. We have a few more days to do all of the fun stuff, alright? We can just lay in bed and I can reenact musicals to try and make you laugh, and my mom can put up with us eating a bunch of junk."

After letting his offer hang in the silence for a moment, he added, "and you don't have to talk, not right now, but I promise you. I will always, _always_ be here to listen and support you and make you laugh. I swear, Janis. Any moment you need me. I will come running."

Janis trembled slightly in his grip, and Damian realized she was crying freely then.

She didn't make a move to say anything, just shifted slightly further into Damian's embrace. He knew that she wasn't going to talk, not right then, but that was okay. He said he would be there for her no matter what, and he meant it. With every fiber in his being, he meant to protect her.

* * *

That day crawled by fairly slowly for Damian, as he lay with his other half in his arms. Maybe they were both gay, but surely, they completed each other in a way that a significant other never would.

Janis had ceased crying at some point during the morning, because Damian's shirt collar was no longer drenched with her tears. When he heard the clock downstairs chime twelve times, he realized they had spent the morning in bed.

It seemed as if Janis had fallen asleep, she was so still. But as Damian shifted slightly, she moved to make herself more comfortable in her new position.

"Janis..." Damian whispered. "I know you're awake, love. It's noon."

That elicited a groan.

"Sweetie, don't you feel hungry? Or need to pee? It's been over 12 hours..."

"Not hungry," Janis mumbled, snuggling closer into Damian's body.

"Alright JanJan. I'm gonna wiggle out of bed now because I am hungry. You can come downstairs with me if you need to pee."

"No."

"Okay," Damian murmured, concerned for his friend. She hadn't been this lethargic since the first week at The Home. "I'm gonna bring some food up for you, okay? I don't care if you aren't hungry, you need to eat."

"Mm," Janis responded, not giving Damian any peace of mind.

He slid carefully out of bed, shifting Janis onto her own weight. She mumbled a pitiful sound of complaint but stayed still otherwise.

Damian padded carefully downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Is Janis alright?" his mother asked gently.

"It's her first night away from home in a new place. She's just having a bad day. Hopefully she'll be better tomorrow."

"Does she want food?"

"She says she's not hungry, but I'm bringing her some anyways."

"You're a good friend, bud. Don't ever change."

Damian smiled up at his mother as he made himself a sandwich. He threw some grapes and strawberries in a bowl for Janis, and a bag of chips for both of them to share.

He set the food on a tray and brought it all upstairs, where Janis was laying in the same position that she had been when Damian left.

"Oh Janis,"

She rolled over in the bed to face him, gazing blankly with her tired eyes. "Hey."

"Will you eat some grapes for me, JanJan? Please?"

The pleading in Damian's voice apparently worked on Janis, because she slowly reached a hand out for Damian to give her a grape. She ate the grape slowly in a few small bites. Damian smiled at her sadly.

"I'm sorry, Damian," she croaked out. "I... I didn't mean to ruin your vacation."

Damian quickly swallowed his mouthful of sandwich. "Janis. Love, don't apologize for not feeling well. I don't know what's going on in your mind, but I know that you're not in control right now. I understand. We can lay in bed today, and we can do everything in our other days here. We have time."

A tear leaked out of the corner of Janis's eye as she smiled back at her friend.

* * *

After a day of lazing around and wallowing in her feelings, Janis was ready to participate in Damian's lake vacation.

He poked and prodded her to get out of bed again, but she giggled and faked snoring so that he would drag her out of bed.

When he did, she grabbed at him and pulled him onto the floor with her, resulting in a _thump_ that earned them a reprimand from Damian's mother.

"It's _fine_ , Mom!" Damian insisted, even as Janis was cackling at the stuff that they had shaken off the top of the dresser.

" _It's fine, Mom!_ " she mocked, still laughing.

They got up and made their way downstairs to have a real breakfast, and before noon. Janis volunteered to help make pancakes.

Damian sat in the living room and just listened to the girls in the kitchen. Janis was laughing. And cooking. That was a good sign. Damian wouldn't have known what to do if she had wanted to lay in bed another day. He felt for her, he really did, but he also wanted to do all of the lake house stuff.

He smiled to himself as he heard Janis's distinct cackling laugh. He hoped his mom was keeping the embarrassing stories to a minimum. But, he reminded himself, if it was making Janis really, truly laugh, then it was worth it.

The pancakes that the girls produced were misshapen, but tasty. Damian mocked Janis for the entirety of the morning about how she couldn't even get her pancake edges straight. "You really are a useless lesbian," he chuckled as she tried to defend herself against his incessant poking at her sides.

"I'm... not... useless!" Janis squealed between giggles.

Damian smirked devilishly. "But you're certainly ticklish!"

"Damiannnnn," she whined, still laughing breathlessly. "Stop!"

He paused. "For real stop, or we're just joking around stop?" he asked.

"That's for me to know," Janis whispered, catching her breath. "And you to find out!" she exclaimed as she lunged to tickle Damian's stomach.

They fought off each other for a good while until they were both breathless and Damian's mother was reminding them to not injure each other.

The rest of the morning was filled with laughter and board games, the two kids just waiting for it to warm up enough to justify jumping in the lake and dunking each other as many times as possible.

After lunch, it was fairly warm, and Damian's mother was practically begging them to go outside.

"Please, you two, get your energy out in a less enclosed space!" She tsked teasingly at them.

Damian met Janis's dark eyes, which were, at the moment, full of mischief. They bolted for the stairs in tandem, both racing to get into their bathing suits and down to the water first. Janis was first outside, and Damian paused for a moment to watch her sprint down to the water, blonde hair flowing carelessly behind her. She stopped at the water's edge and caught his eye.

"Did you just let me win?" she shouted up at him.

Damian smiled to see her personality shining. He still hadn't quite gotten over her mood yesterday. It wasn't fun to see her so... helpless.

"Not if I can help it!" he shouted back, starting to run to catch up to her. Damian relished the feeling of the sun on his back and the breeze in his hair, and Janis just watched as he barreled straight past her and off the end of the dock, sandals still on his feet.

He surfaced, blinking the water out of his eyes and trying to keep his teeth from chattering. It may have been warm outside, but the water was still quite chilly. As Damian was shaking the water from his hair, he saw Janis at the shore end of the dock, poised to run. Before he could shout to encourage her, she was speeding down the dock, and aiming to jump... right on top of Damian.

"Janis!" he shrieked, only slightly actually terrified of this speeding rocket of a girl, before sinking under the water and propelling just left enough that Janis wouldn't actually land on him.

As their shrieks of laughter echoed around the quiet cove, Damian's mom shouted down. "Don't kill each other please! This is my vacation too, and I don't want to fill out paperwork!"

Damian raised his hand in a 'thumbs up' so that his mom would know that he heard her, but he chuckled quietly to himself as Janis splashed him. This was shaping up to be the best trip out to the lake house by a substantial, Janis-sized amount.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡ I love you guys!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a short little spacer for plot purposes ft. pure friendship of the baby gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i put in the summary, this is just a short little thing. i'm sorry for taking so long to update but college has been kicking my ass - i should have another chapter up by the end of the month when i've had some time to relax and get my creativity flowing again. thanks for sticking around!
> 
> trigger warnings: self harm mention, i think that's it?

** Chapter 8: Janis **

It was only once she and Damian were drying off on the dock that Janis realized just how big a step she had taken today. She was wearing a bathing suit. A bathing suit that revealed the painful history of scars on her wrists and thighs. And Janis hadn't paid any mind to the fact that they were visible. Neither Damian or his mom had pointed them out or asked about them, much to Janis's relief. Those two certainly weren't the type to do so, and she hadn't expected it to be a problem, but it was one of the many worries that lingered constantly at the back of her mind.

Once they were getting changed, Janis took a pause to stare down at herself.

_They're nowhere near as red anymore_ , she thought, running a finger softly across her thigh. _They don't sting either. That... should be good._

Damian knocked gently at the door, as if he knew the thoughts currently running through her mind. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," she said softly, as she was in her bra and underwear. If it were anybody else, she may have been embarrassed, but it was Damian. He understood her.

The door squeaked open and gentle blue eyes locked with hers. "You okay? It's like I could feel the negative thoughts in your mind."

Janis sat down on the bed, still unconsciously running the pad of her finger along a set of scars just below the hem of her shorts. Damian knelt down in front of her and took her hands away from her legs.

Her fingers restlessly toyed with the bedsheets while Damian ran his fingers delicately along each individual scar. Uncomfortable eye contact. "Does this hurt?" he asked.

"No. That's the problem."

"You want more... because you can't aggravate these to get the pain..." It wasn't a question. Janis nodded anyways. "Call me, Janis. Whenever you feel like you deserve to hurt, call me. Please."

It still wasn't a question. Janis nodded. Damian moved on to tracing the scars on her wrists, ones almost completely healed. She watched him delicately. He finished as quickly as possible, then stood up, taking her up with him.

"Let's get dressed, shall we? We need groceries."

* * *

The rest of their lake vacation went swimmingly. Janis and Damian finally felt free to be completely themselves and had probably bothered all of the neighbors accordingly.

Even on the ride back home, Janis was bopping her head as Damian regaled her and his mom with his favorite showtunes. He was talented, Janis thought, he could make it someday.

"Damian, you're really talented." her voice echoed her thoughts.

He blushed a deep pink, faking a bow to hide his face from her until it cooled down.

Damian managed to collect himself enough to keep performing until they pulled up to Janis's house.

The first thing she noticed was the foreign yellow car in her driveway. It was hard to miss, considering its neon hue, but it also stood out because it had to have cost an amount larger than Janis could fathom reasonable to spend on one car.

Damian and his mother respectfully didn't ask, also noting what Janis had.

The second thing Janis noticed, as she walked up to her front door, was raised voices. She could hear her mother, who sounded upset and anxious, and another, higher pitched, woman's voice arguing back.

Noticing her hesitation, and the yelling, Damian's mother took the initiative to knock on the door.

Janis watched her mother round the corner to the entryway, tissue blotting gently at her eyes, before she saw who was waiting at the door. She threw herself at her mother as soon as she opened the door.

"I had fun, lots of fun, but I missed you." Janis mumbled into the collar of her mother's blouse. "Who... who's here?"

"I'll introduce you to her in a minute. It's... ah... one of my school friends."

Janis was left to wonder which school, as her mother and Damian's mom had a friendly discussion. Her mother almost never mentioned high school, which might explain the yelling, and she had seen most of her mother's close college friends - whom she referred to as college friends.

Before too long, Janis was pulled out of her reverie by goodbyes, and she wordlessly hugged Damian before turning inside.

Almost immediately after the door shut, Janis heard the other woman again, more clearly now.

"Are you done avoiding this conversation, Veronica? No neighbor or delivery could possibly have taken that fucking long."

"Watch your language!" Veronica spat back almost immediately.

"We've been calling each other all sorts of bullshit names until now, why do you care?"

"Maybe because my daughter just came home from vacation, and while she knows the words, I don't care for her to hear them being thrown in a vicious manner. She's had enough of that."

Janis looked up at her mother, who's eyes were rimmed in red, but had anger clearly written all over your face. Veronica turned to her.

"Janis, sweetie, this might be uncomfortable for you, but I think it's something worth hearing. Well, even if I sent you to your room, you'd hear it, so you might as well hear it out in the open. Come meet the biggest wrench thrown into my adult life thus far."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, that's so fetch! ♡ kudos and comments are always appreciated. ily!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mac, I didn’t tell you what really happened until you got me drunk at graduation!” Silence. “Anyways. I’ll explain what went down, Jan, if you want me to, tomorrow. I just can’t today. It’s all I can do to have this fight with Heather.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! new chapter RIGHT NOW! i've been writing this instead of an essay, and it's brought me considerably more joy. i'm going to do my best to get the next chapter written and up before christmas.
> 
> happy holidays to you all!
> 
> i don't believe there are any trigger warnings necessary for this chapter, but there are mentions of homophobia

** Chapter 9: Veronica **

****

Veronica missed her daughter but was glad she was off having fun. Besides, the quiet house lent her an excuse to check up on some case files she'd been neglecting.

Right as she was about to start cooking dinner, for Janis was coming home in a few hours and would likely be hungry, she heard a knock on the door. _Huh, they're awfully early_ , she thought to herself, expecting to see her daughter at the door. Instead, she found a woman at her door, who would have been completely unrecognizable, save for the... interesting outfit choice.

She was in such shock that she just stared at the woman in silence. She had light brown hair that fell to her waist in loose waves, and was clad in a lemon patterned sundress, yellow pumps, and a matching yellow handbag. The foreign car in the driveway seemed to match her outfit as well.

"Uh, Ronnie?" she said, prompting Veronica. "You gonna let me in?"

"Heather? McNamara?" she said incredulously, slowly opening the door. "It's been... over a decade."

"Mhm," Heather noted, stepping into the relief of air conditioning despite Veronica's clear reluctance.

Veronica watched as Heather found her way to the island in the kitchen, perching delicately on a stool. Neither woman spoke for a while. Heather appeared to be waiting for Veronica to start a conversation, but she didn't know what to say.

Finally, she decided on "So... What brings you to me after all these years?"

Heather's expression didn't change, still looking expectant. "You really don't have a clue?" she sighed in disappointment. "Still a pillowcase, I see."

"So... you just show up at my house after not speaking to me since high school, I have no idea how you found my address, and you expect _me_ to know why you showed up?" Veronica fumed, pacing in front of the stove, no longer facing her guest.

A thick silence settled over the room. She thought she heard Heather sniffle.

Eventually, Heather broke the silence with a whisper. "You really don't know?"

"I really have no clue why you're here, Heather. I've avoided hearing from anybody from Sherwood and any news of that place since I left, and for good reason."

Veronica turned back to face her uninvited guest. Heather had silent tears running slowly down her cheeks. At a loss for what else to do, Veronica padded over slowly and placed a gentle hand on her former friend's back.

Despite her attempts, Heather startled at the touch. "Heather tried to hire a lawyer to investigate Heather's suicide!" she blurted out. "But no lawyer would touch it because it's too old... so she tried to call you but got some man who had no clue what she was talking about. Some... Steven dude? Refused to let her speak to Veronica Sawyer, said he would know if his 'lady' had been present at a high school with a string of suicides."

Veronica stiffened upon hearing her old last name. "Veronica Sawyer died when she left Sherwood, Heather. It's Veronica Sarkisian now."

"Veronica!" Heather shouted vehemently. "You can't just keep running from your past! It's what you do. You tried to run from the Heathers, and you did. You ran from Jason Dean, you ran from Sherwood, Ohio. You run! It's what you do. Maybe it's about time to let somebody catch up!"

She blinked slowly, startled. Veronica didn't recall the gentle Heather ever yelling about anything.

"You were the only person I really trusted after... after Heather died and Heather became the new megabitch... and you left. You left me, Veronica. I thought I meant more than that to you." Heather sniffled, wiping hears from her eyes.

Veronica was reeling from the emotional turnaround Heather had made. Did she really run away from everything? She didn't run away from her family. Her husband evidently did, but she didn't.

"Heather," she eventually spoke, but before she could continue the thought, there was a knock on the door. "I have to get the door. We can keep talking in a few."

* * *

Heather nodded, following Veronica's gesture to the living room, where she obediently sat. Veronica wiped her eyes and cleared her throat, rounding the corner energetically to greet her daughter.

Janis looked happy, the freckles on her cheeks stood out more than they had before, and her eyes were sparkling. It had been far too long since she had seen that sparkle.

"I had fun, lots of fun, but I missed you." Janis mumbled into the collar of her mother's blouse. "Who... who's here?"

"I'll introduce you to her in a minute. It's... ah... one of my school friends."

"Are you done avoiding this conversation, Veronica? No neighbor or delivery could possibly have taken that fucking long." Heather snapped after Veronica had said goodbye to Lisa and Damian.

"Watch your language!" Veronica spat back almost immediately.

"We've been calling each other all sorts of bullshit names until now, why do you care?"

"Maybe because my daughter just came home from vacation, and while she knows the words, I don't care for her to hear them being thrown in a vicious manner. She's had enough of that."

Janis looked up at her mother, who's eyes were rimmed in red, but had anger clearly written all over your face. Veronica turned to her.

"Janis, sweetie, this might be uncomfortable for you, but I think it's something worth hearing. Well, even if I sent you to your room, you'd hear it, so you might as well hear it out in the open. Come meet the biggest wrench thrown into my adult life thus far."

The two sat down in the living room, Janis eyeing the strange woman in yellow with caution. "Janis, dear, this is Heather. She's a... school friend. Heather, this is my daughter Janis."

Heather cooed over Janis for far longer than either Janis or Veronica were really comfortable with, and eventually Janis pulled away.

“She looks just like you – if you had dyed your hair like Heather suggested.”

At the very least, Veronica conceded, she had distracted Heather for a little while. Duke had tried to investigate Heather’s suicide? Thank god the statute of limitations was a thing that existed.

Veronica was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice the silence in the room until Janis broke it.

“Mom, what’s going on? Who the heck is Heather and why were you two yelling?”

She took a deep breath, all the negative consequences and horrible experiences flying through her mind.

“Heather is one of my friends from high school. I... don’t ever talk about them or to them because some shit went down my senior year and it... it really messed me up, Jan. Heather came to find me because our other friend, Heather, was trying to do some digging on all the stuff from the past. No good would ever come of that.”

“She doesn’t know?” McNamara interjected, genuinely curious. “She’s going into high school soon.”

“Mac, I didn’t tell you what really happened until you got me drunk at graduation!” Silence. “Anyways. I’ll explain what went down, Jan, if you want me to, tomorrow. I just can’t today. It’s all I can do to have this fight with Heather.”

“Just tell Heather what happened!”

“She tried to have it investigated, Heather! She’d crucify me if she knew! I could...” Veronica trailed off, a tear slipping down her cheek despite her efforts to keep her eyes dry. “She could put me in _jail_ , Heather!” she finished with a whisper.

She watched her daughter’s eyes widen. “Mom?” she whispered.

“I’ll explain... later, okay? Can you go entertain yourself upstairs? I... you being here isn’t making it easier like I thought it would – but that’s not your fault! I’m just very overwhelmed right now, babe. I’ll be up to check on you soon.”

Janis obeyed without question, and Veronica watched her go sadly.

“Heather, this... this is all too much for me right now. If you want, you can tell Duke that I was in Heather’s house when she died, but that’s it. I can’t... I can’t risk Janis losing me. She already lost her father... I lost... I lost my husband, Heather. I can’t do this now.”

Heather cast her eyes down at her yellow heels. “Shit, Ronnie. I had no clue. I... I’m sorry. Can I ask... Can I ask why he left?”

Veronica took a deep, shuddering breath. “Janis... is a lesbian. And he couldn’t handle that. So, I sent him out the door – and he went!”

“Oh Ronnie... that’s bullshit! I... can I say something?”

“Go ahead, Mac.”

“I’m... also a lesbian? And I’ve kinda been in love with you forever. And I don’t know what you are... but I owe you. So that’s kinda why I came here. Heather just gave me an excuse.”

Veronica’s eyes widened. “What the actual _fuck_ , Heather? You... you go to all the trouble of scaring me with Heather digging up Heather’s old bullshit and then you just blurt out that you’re in love with me and always have been?” She was speaking without thinking, at this point, her voice raised unreasonably. “You had your chances to tell me, Heather. Back then, I might have even said yes! But now? You only bother to come for me after ten years of radio silence and it’s because of _Heather_! Did you really think that would work?”

Heather widened her eyes as Veronica yelled, and her old meek personality came to the surface. Only Veronica noticed the tear slipping down her cheek.

“Shit, Mac, I’m sorry. I...” she took a deep breath. “I just didn’t expect that, and I’m a bit on edge as it is, what with the divorce, and Janis, and just... God, Mac, I’m so scared I’m going to lose her because I’m just not enough.”

A gentle hand landed on her shoulder. “It’s okay, V. I should have expected that, honestly. I prefaced that with bad news and so did you, and just... it’s a lot. You take all the time you need. But Ronnie, if you’re scared you aren’t enough, just know that you are. But if you want somebody by your side through your shitshow of a life? I’m right here.”

* * *

As it turns out, Heather needed a place to stay. Luckily, Veronica was quick to forgive her, especially recalling the shitshow that senior year had been for the both of them. So, Mac would be residing in the guest room for the next week at least.

And until then? Veronica had some thinking and explaining to do.

Explanations for Janis: a full, gory run-down of what she did her senior year.

Thinking about Heather McNamara, who had apparently been in love with her for... forever? Veronica couldn’t say she never felt the same way and had almost always implicitly known she had a special attraction to girls as well as guys. And, well, Mac was cute. Sue her.

She served dinner that night to the two girls in a deep reverie, not paying much attention to whatever conversation Heather was making with her daughter.

At least, she wasn’t paying attention until Janis asked for it.

“Mom! Mom, Heather said she’s a lesbian like me,” Veronica watched the spark of life in her daughter’s eyes, one that she had missed so dearly.

Perhaps Heather’s presence wasn’t completely a bad thing. At the very least, Veronica had company and comfort, and Janis had somebody to relate to and remind her that she wasn’t alone.

“Yeah,” she smiled. “Oh, girls?”

Janis and Heather both looked up expectantly.

“I guess this is a good a time as any, if we’re on the subject of liking girls...”

Veronica watched her daughter’s brows furrow in confusion, while Heather looked... hopeful?

“Um... yeah. I’m not a lesbian, though. I’m... bisexual, I think is the term, so uh... I like guys and girls.”

Mac smiled at her, pride glinting in her eyes. Janis still looked unsure.

“Is that the only reason you kicked dad out? Because he wouldn’t accept _you_ , either?” Janis appeared betrayed.

Veronica blanched, and quickly moved to reassure her daughter. “No, sweetie, of course not. I wasn’t even thinking about myself – as soon as he started criticizing you I fell out of love.”

Skeptical as always, her daughter glanced up. “So... even if you were...” she made air quotes, “ _normal_ , then you would have kicked him out?”

She nodded immediately. “Of course. I can’t be married to a bigot who doesn’t respect other people’s identities in good conscience.”

“Then why’d you marry him in the first place?” Heather piped in.

Ronnie quirked her head and hummed thoughtfully. “He didn’t ever talk badly about other people until it was brought up with Janis. Law school isn’t exactly a very queer place, and he had always been respectful and kind. He called himself a feminist, he was handsome, and he never pried about my past. He let me move on from my fucked up past and just... be.” She trailed off then, absentmindedly pushing food around her plate.

Janis looked up at her. “He wasn’t a bad person, so like... nobody blames you for marrying him.” She said. “It’s just the unfortunate happenstance that he’s homophobic and I turned out to be very homosexual.”

Everybody chuckled at that.

“I’m not sad he’s gone. I’m sad that you’re alone with me now, because that kinda sucks financially and emotionally, but I’m glad you’ve stood up for me.” Janis continued.

Veronica nodded, slightly surprised to hear such wise words from her young daughter. “That means a lot, Janis. And since it seems you get along with Heather, and don’t enjoy the idea of me being alone, would you be okay if she stayed with us for a little while?”

She smiled as she watched her daughter and old friend lock eyes and hug in celebration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's really fetch! ♡ kudos and comments are always appreciated. ily!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veronica was anxious about sending Janis to high school after the Regina fiasco. That led to one night, while Janis was sleeping over at Damian’s place, having a breakdown in Mac’s arms.
> 
> It had been late at night, after dinner and a solid Netflix binge, that Veronica had just begun to cry. There was no reason for it, not at first, it was just pent up emotions making their way out in salty tear tracks down her cheeks.
> 
> Then she remembered that she was sending Janis to what could very well turn out to be her own personal hell within a week.
> 
> Heather had padded into the room inquiring after the cat, but had immediately taken a seat next to Veronica when she saw her crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my chapters are getting shorter? but like it just makes sense with the flow of the story right now
> 
> i'm going to do my best to keep updating this story for all you lovelies who enjoy it as much as i do! i hope you enjoy this next installment
> 
> trigger warnings: self-harm mention / fear of relapse, allusions to what happened in the heathers universe (but not really, just as an added precaution)

** Chapter 10: Veronica **

It wasn’t exactly easy to adjust to having Heather living with her and Janis.

Suddenly there was a new presence in the house, and it was one Veronica was just getting to know again after a few years.

Sometimes she even thought that Janis might know Heather better than she did, what with the days they spent together in the house while Veronica was working.

She wasn’t sure whether or not Heather had discussed their senior year with Janis, but considering the lack of questions coming from her daughter, she assumed Mac had left it for her to discuss.

Before anybody really expected, September rolled around.

Veronica was anxious about sending Janis to high school after the Regina fiasco. That led to one night, while Janis was sleeping over at Damian’s place, having a breakdown in Mac’s arms.

It had been late at night, after dinner and a solid Netflix binge, that Veronica had just begun to cry. There was no reason for it, not at first, it was just pent up emotions making their way out in salty tear tracks down her cheeks.

_Then_ she remembered that she was sending Janis to what could very well turn out to be her own personal hell within a week.

Heather had padded into the room inquiring after the cat, but had immediately taken a seat next to Veronica when she saw her crying.

“Ronnie, what’s wrong?”

Veronica shook her head, knowing she wouldn’t be able to talk without being embarrassingly choked up. Mac set a gentle hand on her wrist.

“V, look at me, please?” the smaller woman had begged, as Veronica kept her gaze trained on her knees.

Eventually she met Mac’s honey-brown eyes, and she couldn’t read the expression written within them.

“Will you answer yes or no questions for me by nodding or shaking your head?”

Veronica nodded, choking back a sob looking at her endlessly empathetic housemate.

“Is this about your husband?” She shook her head. “Job?” No. “Janis?” _Finally_.

Veronica swallowed hard as Mac prepared to ask another question. “Is it because she’s away for the night?” No. “It’s about school, then.”

It hadn’t been a question, but she nodded. Of fucking _course,_ it was about school! How could she send her daughter back there when most of the students had been intolerable assholes who drove her daughter to...

She couldn’t bear to finish the thought. _I can’t lose her. It would destroy me_.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Heather shift slightly. “You’re scared that the shit that drove Janis to self-harm is going to keep happening, and that she’s going to regress.” Again, not a question, but Veronica nodded.

“Ronnie,” she heard Mac take a deep, shuddering breath. “Janis is stronger than you know. She willingly went inpatient, she is resisting her urges so well, and now she has Damian. I think she’s learned what she needs to in order to make it through that shithole alive. We both did, and Jesus, Veronica, she’s stronger than I was at her age. She’ll be okay. Trust her.”

Veronica fully made eye contact with Heather then, and saw tears shimmering in her eyes. She swallowed back her tears.

“Mac...” her voice was raspy, but she continued on anyways. “Mac, thank you. You’ve saved me, more times than you’ll ever know... are you okay?” she asked, almost an afterthought.

Heather nodded quickly.

“M. Come on. I’m still here for you. I’d save you from a school bathroom suicide so many times over. What’s wrong?”

She heard Heather take a deep breath. “She reminds me of what... of how... of what would have happened had I been out in Sherwood. I mean, my mental health was horrible as it was, I couldn’t stand constant ridicule.”

“Mac, that’s over. We don’t have to think about Sherwood anymore.” Veronica wiped stray tears from her eyes and leaned in to hug the woman next to her. “We aren’t who we once were.”

* * *

They woke up the next morning both tangled in the sheets of Veronica’s bed.

That was certainly one way to get her to wake up without coffee.

_I wasn’t drunk last night, and I definitely would remember if we’d fucked. I mean, that’s not something I’d be inclined to forget..._ Veronica tried to think of how the fuck the two of them had ended up sharing a bed all of a sudden. _Oh! We both cried about Janis and high school bullshit and Sherwood and just... fell asleep_.

Veronica nodded once, satisfied once her memories saved her from a panic, and rolled out of bed.

She padded softly around the room, getting ready for work as silently as possible, entirely unused to a sleeping body in her bed as she got ready for the day. Her _ex_ -husband had always risen with her.

After she came back in with her coffee, Heather was stirring.

She watched as Heather rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked around wildly, trying to place herself and recall last night. Veronica recognized the thought pattern visible on Heather’s face.

“Morning, Sunshine,” Veronica quipped as Mac yawned.

“Not my fault you still kick in your sleep.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’ve gotta head to work soon. Lisa will be by with Janis and Damian around ten. Are you good to make them lunch and keep them appropriately entertained?”

Mac nodded. “Yeah, we’ll be all set.”

Veronica was shoving papers in her briefcase when she heard Heather clear her throat.

“How... How long am I welcome here?” she asked meekly.

“Honestly, Mac? As long as you want. I like your company and it’s helpful to not be completely on my own with Janis and... I like your company.” Ronnie blushed, thankful that Heather couldn’t see it.

“For real?”

“For real. Heather, if you wanna fucking move in, go for it.”

“I mean, jeez, Ronnie. I really want to take you up on that offer, but I’d feel like such a freeloader because I don’t have a job here.”

“I’m in need of a secretary.”

“Veronica! You can’t just joke about shit like that. Plus, I’d feel like shit about moving into your house and taking a job with your firm!”

“It’s not _my_ firm, it’s the firm I work for. And my block of offices needs a secretary, and from what I recall, you’re very organized and have been front desk clerk for a number of medical offices over the years.”

“You kept track of what I was doing?”

“I hear things. After I get home tonight, we can talk about this more. But run the idea past Janis. I’m sure she’d be glad to have you here permanently. You’re like... her lesbian icon. I gotta get to work.”

Veronica turned to walk out the door, waving behind her as she left the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! ♡ kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her drifting thoughts were evidently apparent on her face, as Veronica interrupted the reverie. “Everything okay over there, Mac?”
> 
> Heather startled. “Hm? Oh, yeah, fine.”
> 
> Veronica’s brown eyes went suddenly soft, along with her voice. “Like you can pull one over me, Heather. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
> 
> Fuck, she knows. She knows, she knows... wait. She said I’m pretty. Mac shook her hair halfway out of her face, before giving up and tucking the stray strands behind her ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got over my writers block to finish this chapter. Don't know when the next update will be, but hopefully I won't keep you waiting too long. 
> 
> I don't think any triggers are necessary for this chapter, so have at it!
> 
> Love you all for sticking with me.

** Chapter 11: Heather **

****

Veronica had offered her a job. At her law firm.

Veronica had offered her a place to stay – as long as she wanted.

Veronica had trusted her to take care of her daughter.

Heather was left staring awestruck at the door as Veronica left for work.

“What the fuck?” she muttered to herself, shaking her head to wake herself up. “What the _fuck_?”

Why Ronnie had been so kind was beyond Heather.

_I mean, I just fucking_ showed up _at her door and started an argument about Heather... then I told her I was gay for her? And she’s letting me live with her and fucking_ work _for her?_

She shook her head again before pinching the skin on the inside of her arm to make sure this wasn’t all a dream. It wasn’t. Her gaze landed on the alarm clock on Veronica’s side of the bed. Only 7:45.

Shrugging the navy bedspread off, Heather slid out of bed and moved to the guest room – well, _her_ room now – to shower, get dressed, and get ready for the day. There was no reason she had to be ready before Janis and Damian were dropped off around ten, but she was awake, so her time might as well be spent productively.

As the house was empty, save for her, Heather grabbed her speaker and turned on some music for her shower. A slow melody began to play as she stepped under the stream of hot water. She took her time shampooing her long curls, humming softly along to the music.

It was a love song. Of course.

“Fucking hell, Veronica,” Mac muttered, stepping out of the shower to dry herself off.

_She’s always on my mind. I’m living with her and I’m going to be working for her and..._ her train of thought broke off as the next song started with a loud whack of the drums. _And I miss her when she’s only been gone for half an hour._

* * *

Soon enough, Lisa was at the door with Janis and Damian.

“Hey, Heather,” she said from the doorway. “Veronica told me it would just be you today. Did she give you my phone number in case anything happens?”

Heather nodded cheerily. “Yep! It’s in my contacts and on the fridge just in case.”

“Alright.” Lisa nodded curtly. “I’ll be back for him around nine. Take care!”

Then she was left with Janis and Damian, two tired yet energetic young teens. “So, guys, is there anything you want to do?”

Janis’s eyes lit up. “Can we watch a movie while you make sarcastic comments the whole time?”

Damian nodded next to her. “Janis says it’s the best way to watch movies, and I haven’t experienced it!”

Heather giggled, enchanted by how the kids had taken to her already. “Sure, guys. Pick out a movie and I’ll get some snacks out.”

She watched as they rifled through stacks of old DVDs, arguing about which film to choose. Laughing, Mac turned to the kitchen to grab a bowl of chips and some cans of soda. By the time she returned to the living room, Damian had stretched himself across the couch with the cat in his lap and Janis was fighting with the DVD player.

Mac set the food down on the table and knelt down next to Janis. “You have to turn it on for it to work, you know,” she observed, stifling a laugh. Janis groaned, but pressed the power button on the TV remote.

Lo and behold, the pirating warning appeared on the screen. Damian clapped and whistled as Janis marched back to him, glare plastered on her face.

“Be nice!” Heather warned as Janis neared the couch. Janis rolled her eyes and sat down on top of Damian.

Heather just smiled at them as they fought each other to get comfortable on the couch. The previews were from Disney movies, so she assumed they had picked a Disney movie. Knowing Damian’s affinity for musicals, she had a few possibilities in mind.

She was only slightly surprised when the movie turned out to be _The Little Mermaid_. It must have shown on her face, because Janis piped up, “It’s my favorite and Damian likes the songs.”

“Alright, blondie, settle down. I’m the one running the commentary here.” Mac smirked at Janis as she fell silent.

The kids ate the snacks on the table as Heather critiqued the movie.

“She’s only _sixteen_! God knows your mom and I could have used more supervision than that even at _eighteen_ ,” she remarked. Damian raised an eyebrow, clearly curious, but Janis shushed him. Heather couldn’t hear what she whispered in his ear, but she made out “mom’s business”.

“Why is Ariel the only one whose shell bra doesn’t match her tail? I mean, sure, it’s a symbol of how she doesn’t fit in, but come _on_.”

Soon enough the snacks were finished.

“Honestly, Ursula was pretty nice. She never promised Ariel _human_ legs, but she gave her human legs that matched her skin perfectly! Ursula could have given her like... goat legs, and still would have technically kept her promise.”

The kids laughed a lot at that one.

“Imagine Ariel with _frog legs_ ,” Damian snickered.

“CHICKEN LEGS!” Janis chimed in, cackling.

The rest of the movie passed in a similar fashion, with Heather making quips and Janis and Damian cracking themselves up over it.

As the credits began to roll, Janis got a serious look on her face. Damian was the first to brave her attitude.

“Hey Jan? You’re staring off into what looks like the void of not-so-good-thoughts.” He said softly, resting a hand on her knee.

“Hmm?” she started. “Oh, sorry. I’m gay. Dealing with gay. Difficult.”

Damian didn’t even try to stop himself from cracking up at that, and Mac only lasted for a few more seconds before bursting into hysterical giggles.

“Honestly, Janis, relatable. Dealing with gay is difficult.” She choked out through her laughter. “But really, Janis. You okay?”

Janis hummed. “Yeah, I guess. Just... not really looking forward to going back to school.”

Damian snuggled into her and put his head on her shoulder. Mac looked at them sadly.

“I can’t imagine. But you know that you have support, right? Damian is gonna be right there by your side the whole time, and your mom really cares about you, and I’m here now...” she trailed off thoughtfully. “We have to keep this a secret because I don’t think Ronnie would appreciate me telling you... but like... Jan, babe, she had a breakdown last night because of how worried she was for you.” The kids went wide-eyed, but Mac ignored them. “No matter what happens, Janis, your mom is here for you and she loves you so much more than you will ever know.”

Janis looked up at Mac. “Really?”

“I couldn’t make that love up if I tried.”

“Thank you,” she said, blonde hair falling into her face. “I actually really needed to hear that.”

Damian held her close to him, whispering to her inaudibly. Heather smiled at their embrace.

* * *

Veronica opened the door to see Heather, Janis, and Damian dancing around the living room and singing along to Disney show tunes.

Mac turned towards the door with wide eyes. “Veronica!”

The other woman chuckled.

“You look like you’ve been caught doing something illegal, Mac.” Veronica chuckled. Janis and Damian giggled too.

“Well... I got a little busy and haven’t prepped dinner yet, so the kicked puppy look is appropriate.” Heather scuffed her feet nervously.

“Oh my god, Heather, you’re not the help! I can prep dinner just as easily right now and we won’t have to eat any later. I’m glad you have fun with the kids. How late is D staying?” Veronica smiled kindly at her, finally shrugging her coat off.

“Lisa said she’d get him around nine.” Heather smiled back.

“Alright,” Veronica turned to go to the kitchen. “Wanna help me cook since you feel so bad? The kiddos can fend for themselves for a little bit.”

Mac nodded, waving to Janis and Damian, who resumed the music as the adults left the room.

The two milled around the kitchen, working together to throw some chopped vegetables into a pan. After a few moments of comfortable silence, Heather couldn’t keep her thoughts from drifting.

_She likes having me here,_ she thought. _But why? She had every right to turn me away after I started that stupid fucking argument... and told her I was gay for her. I mean... that’s the way Ronnie’s always been, y’know. Forgiving, kind, welcoming... amazing after all that JD put her through. God, I’d give anything to take away half of that trauma._

Her drifting thoughts were evidently apparent on her face, as Veronica interrupted the reverie. “Everything okay over there, Mac?”

Heather startled. “Hm? Oh, yeah, fine.”

Veronica’s brown eyes went suddenly soft, along with her voice. “Like you can pull one over me, Heather. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

_Fuck, she knows. She knows, she knows... wait. She said I’m pretty._ Mac shook her hair halfway out of her face, before giving up and tucking the stray strands behind her ears.

“Just... thinking about how kind you are for letting me stay, and getting me a job... I mean, especially after my less than stellar attitude after showing up uninvited.” The blonde frowned slightly, ducking her head in embarrassment.

“Mac, I get it. Even thinking about high school gets me all keyed-up, and I’m the one who turned that into an argument. Also, like, I enjoy your company, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed having someone to talk to about anything and everything – including Westerberg. It’s not like I’m a martyr for letting you stay. And the job was the least I could do. Shit doesn’t sound like it’s been sunshine and daisies for you back in Sherwood, so...”

Veronica smiled softly at her as she took her hand, and Heather melted inside.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, as the kids went back to school for the first time in a while, Veronica worried constantly. Heather managed to talk her into taking some sick days, at least for the first couple days of school.

Janis and Damian would come home together, laughing and joking around and complaining about the homework they had already. That sight brought a smile to both Mac and Veronica, no matter how many times they experienced it.

Some nights were still hard for Janis, but Heather always managed to calm her down by reminding her that being gay was _not_ the horrid thing Regina made it out to be. It was who they were, and they got to love the most beautiful people (girls).

Veronica had bad nights too, and Mac was just as good at comforting her. Those were the nights that she most often ended up asleep in Veronica’s bed, but sometimes she would wake up next to Veronica after a night of laughter and wine, or work stress, or just late-night talks.

It got to the point that within the first two months of Janis being in school, Mac found herself waking up to Veronica’s alarm most mornings, still in bed together.

_God,_ she thought. _I definitely still like Vera romantically and this whole_ situation _is not helping things... some nights it actually makes me think she might like me too. I mean... she_ is _bi so there’s a chance. But I shouldn’t get my hopes up_.

Heather spent a lot of time fretting over the Veronica situation. Sure, she offered to house her and got her a job and trusted her with her only child and let Heather comfort her and fell asleep with Mac in her bed... most nights now, but why ruin all that by making a relationship?

Janis changed everything.

One day, when Vera still wasn’t home after Damian had left, the little blonde asked her an unexpected question.

“Hey Heather?”

“Yeah, kiddo?” Heather smiled at her, turning her attention away from the water on the stove. Watching it wouldn’t make it boil any faster.

“Are you still gay for my mom?”

Heather flushed, trying to hold back any immediate reaction. Janis burst into laughter with one look at Heather’s expression. “I wasn’t kidding,” she giggled. “Do you still want to date her?”

She swallowed hard before responding. “Yeah, Jan, I kinda really do.”

Janis smiled and jumped up to give her a hug. Mac wrapped her arms around the teen. “What’s this about, though, kid?”

“I’m not dumb. I know you two have been sleeping together-“ Heather coughed. “Literally sleeping in the same bed, more and more often, and she’s... I really think she loves you even if she doesn’t know it yet.”

“How can you know that?”

“I might only be thirteen, but I’m not dumb. She looks at you the way she used to look at my dad. And you’ve practically replaced him – not in a bad way, I don’t resent you or anything – in the house and in her life, so... when are you gonna tell her again?”

Mac sighed. “I don’t know, Janis. I don’t want to ruin things. Things are _good_ for us right now, for the most part, and I don’t want you – or her – to have to lose me because I was dumb and went and fell in love.”

Janis laughed then, quietly. “You sound like me, Heather, always thinking of the worst and putting other people before yourself.”

Heather must have looked amazed at Janis’s revelation, because Janis reminded her that therapy and trauma matured her more than anyone would think.

“I hate it when teenagers know more than we give them credit for,” she sighed, jokingly. “How about _we_ tell her when she gets home? Will that satisfy you?”

Veronica’s eyes blinked up at her from the kid as she backed up slightly. “Heather, I’m all for you telling her, but don’t go dragging me into your love life unless you’re gonna get married. I don’t think my mom would want me involved in you asking her to date either.”

They laughed together. “You’re probably right, kid. Ugh. Guess I’ll do it after you go to bed, then.”

“I’ll be listening from the staircase,” Janis whispered conspiratorially, before returning to her normal voice. “Call me when dinner’s ready, I’m gonna finish my homework.”

* * *

Heather kept her promise, if only to not let Janis down.

She found herself waking up in Veronica’s bed far more often after that. And if they were sleeping together and _sleeping together_ after that... well, Janis didn’t need to know about that part. But they were happy. And Janis was happy.

Now everything could go smoothly. No more drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, Heather?” she asked gently, watching the woman sip her tea.
> 
> “Hey, Janis?” 
> 
> “You like Cactus, right?” Janis questioned, knowing the cat was purring on Mac’s feet at that moment.
> 
> “I love the little dude!” Heather exclaimed. “Vera always said I was the most likely of the Heathers to become a crazy cat lady. She’s the only one that owns a cat.”
> 
> “Isn’t that ironic,”
> 
> Heather gasped. “V and I should get more cats and we can ALL be crazy cat ladies!”
> 
> Janis chuckled. “Why yes, Heather, we should. I bet Cactus would love some friends. I bet he gets lonely when I’m at school and you and Mom are at work.”
> 
> The older woman pondered for a second, before smiling conspiratorially. “Janis...” she began. “What do you think Vera would do if she came home to a second cat?”
> 
> “It might take her a little bit to notice, actually. She’s not the best at knowing where Cactus is to begin with. Once she figures it out, she’d honestly probably be excited. Maybe a little miffed that we didn’t run it by her. Why are you asking?”
> 
> “Well, Janis, we’re only gay, and we can’t help ourselves. Let’s get a cat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a little while, but i finally finished this chapter. for whatever reason it was just... not coming easily to me. anyways.
> 
> there's a little bit of a homophobic quip towards the end of this and therapy talk but no slurs or anything that i think warrants a tw, but as always, let me know if i overlooked anything.
> 
> enjoy! (and happy belated valentine's day)

** Chapter 12: Janis **

Starting high school with Damian by her side made things a _lot_ better. Sure, Regina was still bitchy, and people would chase them with slurs in the hallway, but they had each other. Everything was going well.

Plus, her mom wasn’t alone anymore, so Janis could let go of any guilt she still had about her dad leaving. Heather was taking his place in the best way possible, and Janis has never been happier that she pushed two people together.

Heather was there when Janis and Damian came home from school or Damian’s house, and she was always happy to hang out with them or leave them alone, whichever they were in the mood for. It was nice, to have somebody like a parent be so respectful and _fun_.

That definitely wasn’t the vibe Janis got from her when she had walked in on their screaming match about high school and some other Heather lady. By sophomore year, Janis almost never thought about how Heather came to be in their lives.

Damian spent another summer by her side, and they swam and played and joked around and the scars on Janis’s wrists and thighs were nothing but pale memories of times that had long since passed. Heather never brought them up, but Janis knew she saw them.

As they had done freshman year, Janis and Damian walked into their first day of sophomore year together.

Down the hallway were Regina and her new “friends”, Gretchen and Karen, who had sort of hung around when Janis was with her but never really were close. Of course, it was a Wednesday, so they were obvious in all shades of pink. Janis averted her eyes.

_She was wearing pink_.

Of course, nobody knew that except Janis, but it still bothered her that she couldn’t break the habit.

Oh well.

* * *

The whispers about her had died down significantly since freshman year, mostly because there was always some new gossip.

So since Janis and Heather’s heart to heart about Veronica, no less, they hadn’t talked as deeply.

The reason for less conversation was good because it meant Janis was doing okay mentally, and there wasn’t nearly as much bullying, but sometimes she missed how close she and Heather had been.

Janis guessed there was always the still gay bonding, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear about her mother’s love life. They did their best, but when Janis couldn’t sleep... it wasn’t as quiet as it has been with her dad. She didn’t need to know more about how Heather and her mother loved each other than she had already accidentally discovered.

She decided to ask her therapist about it. Sally had always been a clearly safe space, and she gave Janis a clarity that was still novel.

“Sally,” Janis began, toying with a strand of her blonde hair, the darker roots starting to grow out significantly. “I told you about Heather... which, I think, actually, she might be one of the reasons for my middle name – though she’s not the only Heather.” Janis paused as Sally waited. “Anyways. She and I used to talk all the time when people were still focused on me and my gay, because she’s a lesbian too and she understands everything. But this year has been fine so far, like, actually fine, and I don’t talk to her as much anymore. I miss it. But I don’t really know what else to talk her about except her and my mom being together, and I _really_ don’t wanna talk about that when I can hear them fucking when I can’t sleep sometimes.”

Sally chuckled lightly. “Do you need to talk about your sleep issues with a doctor?”

“No,” Janis shook her head. “It’s only occasionally, and it’s usually my fault for staying up too late anyways.”

“Alright then. Heather... I haven’t met her, but she seems like a gay ray of sunshine for you Janis. You could talk to her about anything. But if you want an idea of something to talk about, just ask her about her high school experience.”

“She... she doesn’t like to talk about high school. I don’t know why, but I think some really bad shit went down their senior year that both she and my mom don’t _ever_ talk about it. Except for that first day I met Heather, but I’m pretty sure that was an outlier.”

Janis ran a hand through her hair. Sally stared with her gentle eyes. “I... may know something about that. Your mom lets her therapist talk to me about stuff in order to help you. I can’t tell you what happened. Just... don’t get mad at them for keeping the secret, alright?” she paused. “Heather loves cats. Get her on your side and both of you together can convince your mom to get another. I’m sure Cactus would love a friend.”

“That’s actually a good idea,” Janis laughed. “The cat and everything else.”

“Emotional support animals and emotional support lesbians. The only thing a young Janis needs.”

“That and a healthy amount of time with my gay best friend.”

* * *

The next time Janis came home without Damian, and her mother wasn’t present (it took almost a month), she sat down with Heather at the kitchen table.

“Hey, Heather?” she asked gently, watching the woman sip her tea.

“Hey, Janis?”

“You like Cactus, right?” Janis questioned, knowing the cat was purring on Mac’s feet at that moment.

“I love the little dude!” Heather exclaimed. “Vera always said I was the most likely of the Heathers to become a crazy cat lady. She’s the only one that owns a cat.”

“Isn’t that ironic,”

Heather gasped. “V and I should get _more_ cats and we can ALL be crazy cat ladies!”

Janis chuckled. “Why yes, Heather, we should. I bet Cactus would love some friends. I bet he gets lonely when I’m at school and you and Mom are at work.”

The older woman pondered for a second, before smiling conspiratorially. “Janis...” she began. “What do you think Vera would do if she came home to a second cat?”

“It might take her a little bit to notice, actually. She’s not the best at knowing where Cactus is to begin with. Once she figures it out, she’d honestly probably be excited. Maybe a little miffed that we didn’t run it by her. Why are you asking?”

“Well, Janis, we’re only gay, and we can’t help ourselves. Let’s get a cat.”

“Are you serious?” Janis asked, incredulous.

“Oh, very much so.” Heather looked at Janis as she grabbed her car keys. “What if we named it Heather, just to fuck with her?”

“That would be... interesting. Confusing too, considering _you’re_ Heather and when she’s mad I’m Janis _Heather_ Sarkisian.”

“Oh shit, she... wow.” Mac stared at Janis for a moment too long before turning and opening the door. “Come on, Jan, let’s get a cat.”

Janis spent the car ride pondering Heather’s reaction to finding out her middle name was Heather.

At her request, they pulled up to the local animal shelter, rather than some breeder or pet store. Janis was adamant that the rescues and mixed breeds deserved just as much love as the purebred babies, and besides, it was where they had gotten Cactus and she knew the family that ran it.

The unmistakable smell of sawdust and pet food hit her as she pushed open the door, and she smiled. Maybe she would volunteer there once she was old enough. Heather seemed a little affronted by the scent, but she adjusted quickly. Janis explained the situation to Julie at the counter, who laughed, but soon enough led them back to the cat room.

They didn’t have any young kittens at the time, but there were a few 1-year-olds from a rescue litter that nobody had claimed yet.

The teen could feel the older woman’s eyes on her as she gently interacted with each cat, trying to feel out their personalities, but she strangely didn’t mind. Heather was a comfortable presence in her life. At this point, it would feel weird if Heather wasn’t there.

Eventually, Janis decided that she wanted the young cat with mottled brown fur and white patches on her ears and face. Heather agreed easily, on the terms that she could have input on the name of their new pet.

As Heather filled out the paperwork, she chatted with Janis about name possibilities. The usual, cliché names were thrown about – stuff like Patches, Whiskers, and Smudge. Janis didn’t want that.

“It needs to be _unique_ , and just a little bit weird. I named Cactus that because Mom said I couldn’t make a plant name work on a pet. I do a lot of things out of spite.”

Heather laughed a gentle laugh, and Janis could see a look of realization cross her face.

“Oh my gosh, Janis, we have to name her Nica! That was Veronica’s least favorite nickname of all. She puts up with the rest, even thinks they’re kinda cute, but Nica was absolutely off limits. I love it though, so if I can’t call her that, we should call the cat that.”

Janis tried so hard not to laugh at her mother’s odd hatred of the nickname but let out a snort anyways. “Didn’t expect that to be the source of spite, but Nica is a cute name. Let’s do it.”

She watched as Heather wrote Nica on the nametag form in her reliably neat handwriting.

At that moment, Julie reappeared with Nica in a traveling kennel. The cat didn’t look all too happy about the situation, but when the kennel was set down and Janis was cooing softly at her, she seemed to relax slightly.

They had been at the shelter for about an hour when Veronica texted Janis to ask where the two girls were, evidently a little worried.

Naturally, Janis showed Heather the messages so that she would decide to hurry them home as soon as the paperwork was completed.

Sadly, there wouldn’t be a “wait and see how long it takes Veronica to notice the second cat” moment, as they would be walking into the house with a cat in a kennel while she was there, but the effect of the adoption would stay the same.

Janis laughed to herself. She hadn’t expected that convincing Heather to get another cat would be so easy, nor had she thought that Heather would come up with the idea of going behind her mother’s back to do so.

Oh well.

* * *

Janis made Heather carry the kennel in, though she insisted on carrying the cat. Nica was curled up purring against her shoulder, and neither of the girls was about to disrupt her.

“Heather? Janis?” Veronica called from the kitchen as she heard the door open. “Where were you?”

“It’s us mom!” Janis called, trying not to giggle as she carried Nica into the house.

“But where were you?” her mother insisted. She wasn’t angry, and Janis wasn’t afraid of her by any means, but she wanted to let this be Heather’s idea. By all accounts, it really was.

“Come into the living room and you’ll see!” Heather exclaimed excitedly, wrapping her arms around Veronica both to express her affection and to keep her facing away from the door as Janis hurried through the kitchen with the cat.

“What the hell did you do, Mac?” Janis could hear her mom chuckle as she fought Heather’s embrace. “Did you buy that snake you’ve always been talking about?”

“Gosh, no. I grew out of that phase within a few years of graduation. Now, I’m gonna cover your eyes and lead you!”

Janis wished she had her phone ready to take a picture as her mother walked – no, stumbled – into the room with a much smaller Heather behind her, arms extended to cover her eyes.

“Okay!” Mac squealed, removing her hands as Janis held Nica up like Simba. (How else was she supposed to present her new cat?)

Nica purred as Janis held her by the armpits (were they really armpits? Or were they leg... pits? That didn’t seem right. Janis was going to keep thinking of them as armpits). Veronica’s eyes widened.

“You... got a... new... cat?”

Heather and Janis nodded.

Janis shrank back slightly into herself as her mother let out a frustrated groan.

“Sorry?” she murmured.

“Oh, Janis, no! I’m just being a little bitchy because I was going to get you a kitten for Christmas this year, and Heather stole my thunder.”

“Who’s to say you can’t still get me a kitten for Christmas?” Janis questioned, pulling Nica into her lap when she started to struggle.

“Three seems a little excessive, Janis. We’ll see.”

The teenager rolled her eyes, knowing there would only be two cats in the house for the foreseeable future. She caught Heather’s gaze, and the woman immediately burst into giggles.

“What’s so funny, Heather?” Janis goaded, prompting a raised eyebrow from her mother.

“What in the world did you name the cat, Heather?” Veronica laughed too, catching on.

Somehow, between her fits of giggles, Heather managed to audibly say “Nica”.

Janis laughed as she watched her mother react. Her brown eyes were confused at first, then squinted in anger, before being overcome and just crinkling up in amusement. “Of course, you name the cat the one thing you can’t call me.”

“Duh,” Heather deadpanned before bursting into giggles again.

“Nica is a cute name, Mom, come on.” Janis protested.

“I mean, yeah, for a _cat_.”

* * *

Damian laughed for what felt like ten minutes when Janis told him the story the next morning at school.

“She just... bought a cat on a whim?”

“Yeah,” Janis confirmed, pulling up more pictures of the cat to show him. “Isn’t she sweet?”

“Heather or Nica? Either way, yes.”

“I was talking about the cat, but okay.”

Regina walked by. Janis ignored her as best she could.

“Of course _you_ would like pussy, Janis.” She muttered, just loud enough for Janis and Damian to hear. The blonde kept strutting down the hallway as if she hadn’t said anything, and Janis was left reeling.

“And here I thought she had finally tired of targeting you specifically, dear.” Damian sighed as he slung his arm around Janis’s shoulder. “She needs to grow up, my sweet. Lesbians aren’t a novel thing in the world.”

That at least drew a weak chuckle out of Janis, who was trying hard to keep the tears at bay.

_Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry_. That’s all she could think as her friend guided her slowly through the hallway to homeroom, whispering reassuring words under his breath. _Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. It makes you look weak. An easy target. Not again. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry._ She took a deep breath in as Damian opened the door for her. _It’s going to be okay. You can’t let her get to you. Walk in with your head held high._ With her chin up and a sudden half-smile on her face, she strode into the room and sat at her assigned desk without so much as a glance at her former best friend.

It was the little things that counted. Regina made a homophobic comment directed specifically at Janis. Janis didn’t cry. She didn’t even shoot a glare at her. Janis would be the bigger person for as long as she could stand it – or until Regina realized the error of her ways. But Janis wasn’t going to go praying for that sort of miracle.

For now, as long as she could keep her chin up and be okay with the person that she was, Janis would be good. Maybe she could make it through the next two and a half years of high school without any incidents of spectacle.

Yeah. That would be nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis fumes as Regina beckons Cady to their table.
> 
> “Why would she take an interest in her?” Damian complains.
> 
> “She’s new. Nobody has any dirt on her. And she’s gorgeous. A little makeover and she’d look like a perfect little Plastic.”
> 
> Damian nods, picking at the sad cafeteria fries. “Yeah.”
> 
> Soon enough, Cady makes her way back to Janis and Damian, bouncing a little as she walks. “Regina invited me to sit with her at lunch tomorrow!” she exclaims. “Isn’t that exciting?”
> 
> “No!” Janis can’t help but interject. “Regina George is a soul-sucking, fart-mouthed life-ruiner!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still working on this, it's just been slow :) hopefully now that I'm doing uni from home I'll have more time and maybe more motivation for this story. I hope you enjoy this next installment of the Saga
> 
> TW: mentions of homophobia, religious parents with probable homophobia, and the d slur is used once towards the beginning of the chapter. As always, let me know if there's anything I missed that you want to be added to the warnings :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this next installment of the Saga

** Chapter 13: Janis **

****

Janis was... less than pleased with Regina’s recruitment of Gretchen and Karen. They were easy to manipulate, anybody could see that, and Regina had taken advantage of that.

Gretchen was anxious and eager to please, a bubbly, classically pretty girl who would do anything to be popular. Karen was... your stereotypical dumb blonde. She couldn’t even spell orange, but she had sex appeal and wasn’t afraid to show off her body.

They all looked plastic.

The Plastics.

That’s what she and Damian decided to call them sometime in the second semester of their sophomore year.

And somehow, against all odds, they survived.

Of course, there were the usual homophobic comments directed at the both of them, but after everything that they had already gone through? It wasn’t much.

Gretchen and Karen weren’t _that_ bad, all things considered. They giggled whenever Regina made a quip at Janis or Damian, threw out the occasional “dyke”, but... they were just easy to manipulate. It was hard to really hate them. That said, Janis definitely did not _like_ them in any capacity.

But they survived. Janis and Damian survived sophomore year.

... Not even that. They didn’t just survive, that word doesn’t give enough credit. Janis knew it, and she reminded Damian every moment she could. They thrived, despite everything that Regina and the rest of the bitches at school could throw at them.

They thrived, because they had each other to lean on, and they had Veronica and Heather, and the cats. They had Damian’s wonderful mother, and their therapists, and _each other_.

As long as Janis had Damian, and Damian had Janis... they could be okay.

* * *

Their summer was spent almost entirely together.

Heather and Veronica took them to different attractions throughout Chicago and the surrounding area on weekends, and Damian had about as much fun watching Heather and Veronica interact as he did doing anything. Janis would rather not think about it. She knew enough.

Janis got to spend two whole weeks with Damian and his mom at their camp, and when they weren’t busy almost drowning each other the love in the air was palpable.

They planned for their junior year, coordinated as many classes together as they could, and shopped for school supplies and new, Gayer outfits together.

In a fit of impulsivity, Damian took a razor and (with permission, obviously) shaved the side of Janis’s head. She was pleased with the result, ruffling her half-blonde hair into a severe side part to really show off the shave, a dark brown that she really wished she hadn’t ever changed.

Regina was still affecting her, still in her head. But Janis could deal with the Regina in her head now.

She wasn’t expecting to have to deal with Heather and her mom when she came home with the new haircut.

“Janis... what did you do?” Heather had asked, trying to be delicate, upon seeing the shaved part of Janis’s hair.

Janis fluffed it self-consciously. “I decided it was time for a change, and Damian had a razor... so, uh, he gave me this new look.”

Heather raised her perfectly filled-in eyebrows, but smiled and said “Okay, cool. It looks good, I just hadn’t expected it.”

Her mother was... a little harder to convince.

She had walked in the door to see Janis helping Heather with dinner, side-shave conveniently on full display.

“Janis, what... what?”

Janis continued chopping vegetables, chuckling lightly at her mother’s stuttering. “Oh, my hair? Felt like it needed a change.”

“That’s... that’s a pretty drastic _change_ , Jan.” She sounded less than pleased. Janis finished chopping and turned to face her mother, who wore a deep frown.

“I’m sorry I didn’t at least tell you beforehand, but... things happen.” She shrugged.

“Did you go to a salon? I thought you were just at Damian’s house today. You need to tell me when you go out!”

“Oh, _that’s_ why you’re so wound up about this,” Janis noted. “I was just at Damian’s. He and his mom did it for me.”

“Janis you need to... I would like to know about these things beforehand, okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, that’s reasonable. Honestly, if I had known beforehand, I would have told you.”

Her mother’s face reddened a bit. “You didn’t plan this? So this wasn’t... something you had wanted for a while and finally done? It was an impulse decision? Jan, we _talked_ about this.”

The disappointment evident in her voice was enough to make tears prickle at Janis’s eyes, but she did her best to hold them back. “No, Mom... I, I’ve wanted a change for like the whole summer, and I had thought about this. I just... didn’t fully expect Damian and his mom to be so on board with the idea when I brought it up that they’d do it for me. Please... please don’t be mad, or disappointed. It’s just a bit of hair.”

Heather stepped in at that point. “Vera, I get it, but it’s just hair. It’ll grow back. And besides, she looks pretty badass what with the side shave and the half-blonde.”

Janis smiled weakly. Veronica sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry for getting so intense, Janis. I’m not mad, I just let my shock get the best of me. I apologize.”

“It’s okay.”

* * *

Walking into her junior year with a wardrobe that felt more _her_ than ever before, a new (and, as Heather described it, _badass_ ) haircut, and her best friend slash platonic soulmate by her side was a rush.

The crush of students slid through the hallways, chattering about summer vacation and shared classes. Janis and Damian stood by Janis’s locker as she pinned up a couple pictures to the inside.

A flash of pink, something unintelligible hissed at the pair, and the hushed whispers following them: The Plastics had entered the building.

Of course, rumors and whispers followed them everywhere too, but they were awed comments and longing glances. Janis and Damian got... homophobia. Luckily, they had planned well enough to be in all but two classes with each other, and evidently, the new girl had a similar schedule to them.

Oh, yeah. There was a new girl. Of course, it was made obvious by Duvall leading her into homeroom and Norbury making her introduce herself, but Janis would have noticed her even without the fanfare.

“This is Caddy,” Duvall said.

“It’s... Cady.”

“She’s a new student from Kansas.”

“Kenya,” she corrected him.

Janis laughed under her breath and nudged Damian. “We have to protect this one,” she muttered.

Damian gave her a questioning glance. “This isn’t the first new student we’ve had, Jan. Why are you so...” his gaze lit up. “You _like_ her!”

She glared at him. “Shut up. She’s from _Africa_ , Damian. She’ll get eaten alive if she doesn’t find somebody to hang with quick. And she seems awkward so she’s not gonna reach out.”

He nodded resolutely. “Fine. We will socialize her. I’m only doing this for you.”

The girl – _Cady_ , Janis reminded herself – was in most of her classes in the morning. She chanced tossing a smile at the little redhead during English, and she and Damian saved her from embarrassment through nickname in French.

Cady wasn’t present in Janis’s art class right before lunch, so she couldn’t offer to walk her to the cafeteria. She met Damian in their usual corner, glancing up at the entrance every few seconds.

“What’s on your mind, babe?” Damian asked her the fifth time she eyed the entrance.

“Looking for Cady. She wasn’t in art with me, so I don’t know where she is.”

“Jan, sweets, we barely introduced ourselves to her. She’s not just gonna plop that cute little butt right down next to you.”

Janis grunted. Damian went silent.

“Oh, there she – where’s she going?” Janis had spotted her curly mane of hair at the entrance of the cafeteria right before she had turned away. “She’s moving slow enough. Let’s find her.”

Janis was up and out of her seat before Damian could convince her not to. “Janis... Jan, she’s gonna think we’re stalkers, Janis... Ugh. Fine. I’m not letting you do this alone.”

Cady had disappeared down some hallway before Janis could catch her. Damian caught up to Janis as she eyed the three possible hallways that diverged from the atrium. “She’s in a bathroom or with Norbury.”

“How do you know that?”

“Well,” Damian explained, “She doesn’t know any teachers well enough to go eat with them, though she might go to Norbury because she was her homeroom and she’s nice enough. If she tries to go to the library, Mrs. Pagett will have her ass about food in there. Next option is a bathroom.”

“Hm, can’t argue with that. Check the bathrooms first? She didn’t look super comfortable with Norbury this morning after she made her introduce herself.”

Damian nodded, and proceeded down the ‘socials’ wing, where the language and history classrooms were located. Janis followed, checking in every girl’s bathroom for a pair of sandals (with socks! You could tell the girl was new from a mile away) under the stall doors.

Finding nothing in the language wing, they moved to checking the bathrooms in the math and science wing. In the bathroom right next to Norbury’s room, Janis saw the fashion atrocity she was looking for and beckoned Damian in.

She hovered anxiously by the door for too long, so Damian barged forward and knocked on the occupied stall. “You’ve been in there an awfully long time! You’re either doing drugs or you’re constipated from using drugs!”

Classic Damian. He was going to scare her away from America before she could even settle in.

The stall door crashed open violently. “I’m not doing drugs!” the girl shouted, eyes widening upon seeing Damian, probably having expected a teacher or some other adult.

“The bathroom isn’t a very good place to eat,” Janis piped up, moving further into the bathroom. “Bad atmosphere.”

Cady chuckled, but didn’t say anything, so Janis continued. “I’m Janis, resident art freak, and this is Damian. He’s almost too gay to function – it’s why they don’t fuss over his presence in the girl’s bathrooms.”

Another girl, Sonja, Janis thinks her name is, emerges from the end stall. “You’re not supposed to be in here.”

Damian responds, giving slight chase as she leaves. “Danny DeVito? I love your work!”

The small girl in the stall laughs outright at that.

“So, Caddy, welcome to North Shore.” Janis says, using Duvall’s mispronunciation from the beginning of the day.

“Actually, it’s pronounced Cady.”

“Oh, I know. I’m gonna call you Caddy.” Janis has a random burst of confidence that allows her to ruffle the girl’s hair before leaning over her shoulder and pulling out her schedule.

She laughs, a sweet sound that makes Janis smile. The girl points out all of the classes they have together.

“We gotta go finish lunch, Caddy darling,” Damian points out. “Come with us, and I’ll show you everything you need to know about the North Shore lunchroom.”

* * *

Janis fumes as Regina beckons Cady to their table.

“Why would she take an interest in her?” Damian complains.

“She’s new. Nobody has any dirt on her. And she’s gorgeous. A little makeover and she’d look like a perfect little Plastic.”

Damian nods, picking at the sad cafeteria fries. “Yeah.”

Soon enough, Cady makes her way back to Janis and Damian, bouncing a little as she walks. “Regina invited me to sit with her at lunch tomorrow!” she exclaims. “Isn’t that exciting?”

“No!” Janis can’t help but interject. “Regina George is a soul-sucking, fart-mouthed life-ruiner!”

Cady looks taken aback and Janis almost regrets what she said, but Damian whispers, “Janis and Regina have some bad history,” and Cady relaxes, and everything is okay again.

And then Janis has an idea. “Pink is for girls...” she says after Cady explains the rule that Janis secretly still follows, “ _and... for spies_.”

Damian invites both girls over to his house after school to plan – and to put some pink into Cady’s wardrobe, of course.

She’s a little hesitant to go along with the plan that Janis has layed out for revenge on Regina, but of course she is, she’s lived in Africa all her life! She’s probably only known revenge plots from movies, and those always go awry. Janis is too good at planning for that to happen here. Besides, she has Damian helping too.

“Cady, we’re your friends! Would we lie to you or ask you to do bad things?”

It’s a little manipulative, Janis knows, but it’s only one phrase, and she won’t do it again. She just needed Cady in on the plan. That’s all.

The rest of the afternoon is spent eating snacks, watching movies, and getting to know each other.

Janis learns that Cady lived in Africa because her parents were working on medical research with lions that was best done hands-on. They had moved back to the States because they ran out of grant funding and chose to settle in Evanston because it was where her mom had grown up. She had barely managed to talk her mom into letting her go to public school, and they were still hesitant. “Mom will be much happier now that she knows I have friends – I mean, she let me come here after all.”

Damian questioned her incessantly about life in Africa, and his “most important” question was if she had ever seen _Lion King_ and whether or not the savannah was really like that.

“I have seen the Lion King,” she giggled. “I lived in Africa, not under a rock! And I lived between a research lab and a nature preserve – I had Wi-Fi, and I never really got to see animals interact out in the wild. _Lion King_ did get the whole pride dynamic of lions wrong, though. Lions are very matriarchal, actually. If it had been accurate, Nala would have been the one in charge.”

“Jeez, Damian, don’t be dumb,” Janis snorted.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to talk down to you! I was just trying to explain.” Cady looked dejected and Janis’s heart twisted a little in her chest.

“No, Caddy, you weren’t condescending at all. Damian and I have just been friends for long enough that we insult each other to show our affection instead.” She ruffled Cady’s curls.

“Ah, okay.” Cady looked between the two. “Are you two – no, wait, he’s gay, I’m so sorry.”

Janis burst out laughing. “You almost asked if we were dating, Cady, oh my gosh.”

Damian laughed too, shoving Cady gently. “I’m about as gay as you can get, Caddy dearest, but don’t worry. Too many people thought we were dating – some still think that.”

Cady smiled at that, eventually joining the two in their laughter.

“I know you’ve only been in for a day, but how are you liking North Shore so far?” Janis asked after the laughter had died down.

“Well, it was pretty overwhelming at first, but honestly, now that you guys are my friends, I think it’ll be pretty great.”

Janis blushed. Damian slung an arm around both girls. “You’re too sweet, Cads. Oh! I have to get you a pink shirt!”

He peels himself out from between the girls and runs up to his room.

Janis is too awkward to break the silence, so she’s eternally grateful when Cady does it for her.

“I like your hair,” she says simply, but that only adds to the flush already present on Janis’s cheeks. She could _feel_ her face heating up and she hated it.

“Oh, thanks! Damian and his mom helped with it.” She managed to spit out without stuttering.

“That’s really cool. I wish my mom could be that chill about things.” Cady smiles wistfully.

“Damian’s mom is super chill, and I love her to death. My mom almost had a conniption when I came home after they did it though.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry!”

Janis almost laughed but managed to stifle it to spare Cady’s feelings. She couldn’t help but let a little chuckle into her voice when she responded though, saying “No, she just thought it was a super impulsive decision that I’d regret. Heather and I managed to talk her down pretty quickly.”

Damian thundered down the stairs just then, hearing the tail end of the conversation. “Are you telling her about the cat or the haircut?”

“The haircut,” Cady responded. She paused. “You have to tell me about the cat story though.”

“Another time, Cads,” Damian said. “Right now, you have shirts to try on.”

He had fetched a few options, ranging from a strikingly magenta button down that he probably stole from a production costume bin to a baby pink t-shirt. None of them fit Cady’s petite form, but they were going to have to make do. Janis wasn’t giving away her little secret to her so soon.

Janis selected a paler pink polo for Cady, who took the suggestion and kept the shirt.

“Now,” she said. “I need to hear about the cat.”

Janis tells the story of Nica, leaving out most of the backstory. Cady laughs through the whole thing, and even Janis can’t help but let out a few giggles whenever Damian interjects.

“Wait,” Cady said, after the story was complete. “I think I missed some context clues or something. Who is Heather?”

Considering Cady’s lack of a negative reaction, Janis decided to go ahead and bite the bullet. “She’s my mom’s girlfriend.”

“She sounds great!” Cady exclaimed. “How long have they been together?”

“Heather showed up right before freshman year and moved in, and they started dating like a year later. But they were friends in high school.”

“Oh, that’s so cool,” Cady said. “Although... maybe it would be best if we could avoid mentioning any of that to my parents? I’m sure they’ll want to meet you guys, but they’re pretty Catholic... they haven’t ever been outright homophobic in front of me, but I don’t want to find out because they don’t want me hanging out with you guys anymore.”

Janis was at a loss for words. She hated having to hide things from adults, and she honestly sucked at it, evidenced by her mother’s discovery of her bad coping mechanisms.

“That’s alright, Cads. We don’t blame you for your parents’ behavior.” Damian said. “But I will blame you if you don’t like pizza, because that’s what we’re having for dinner.”

Janis and Cady both laughed at that. “No need to worry. Pizza is great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After school, the girls piled into Regina’s sleek little car (Cady thought it had to have been expensive and wondered how rich she was). Regina drove in silence as Gretchen chattered away about all the gossip she had heard and fashion atrocities she’d witnessed since they parted at lunch and Karen looked to be checking her appearance in the rearview. Cady just sat and took it all in.
> 
> “So, Cady,” Regina started. “How was your first day as a member of the North Shore elite?”
> 
> Regina knew what she was doing. That didn’t sit well with Cady, but she couldn’t very well back out now. “It was good, I guess. People are actually getting my name right, so that’s nice.”
> 
> The blonde driving nodded but said nothing. 
> 
> “Well, I heard that Janis girl has been staring at you in like... every class you two have together!” Gretchen chimed in from the back.
> 
> “Oh?” Regina and Cady reacted in unison.
> 
> “Dawn Schweitzer told me.” Karen nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for me to fuck with canon a little bit. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and hopefully I'll have another within 2 weeks or so. I love you all!
> 
> TW: d-slur is used a few times towards the beginning, alcohol mention, underage drinking
> 
> As always, let me know if I missed any.

** Chapter 14: Cady **

****

Cady was ecstatic to have found two amazing friends on her first day at North Shore. Sure, Janis and Damian could be... intense, but they really cared about her, and even with her lack of people skills, she knew that.

She hated having to ask them to hide parts of their identity in front of her parents, but she really didn’t know where they stood re the homosexuals, and she definitely didn’t want them to forbid her from hanging out with Janis and Damian.

That thought kept her company as she fell asleep after hanging out at Damian’s house that afternoon.

When she woke the next morning, she remembered to slip on Damian’s pink polo so as to avoid being crucified by the Plastics for not wearing pink. She had a sneaking suspicion they wouldn’t take well to that.

Cady tucked the extra-large shirt into her skinny jeans, fearing further judgement. She braided half her hair back the way she liked it, grabbed her bag, and headed off to the bus stop. Before she could make it there, an expensive-looking white sport-style car pulled up to her.

“Cady!” a voice that was unmistakably Regina’s snapped. “Get in, you will _not_ be seen riding the bus.”

“Okay,” Cady conceded, not wanting to get into an argument that early in the morning.

Regina eyed her judgmentally once she sat down in the passenger seat. “We’re going to the mall after school, ‘kay?”

“Oh... I didn’t grab my wallet.” Cady frowned at her sneakers.

“Me and Gretch will cover you today. As long as we get a say in the outfits.” She shook her blonde hair over her shoulder and took off down the road.

Cady got the feeling that even if she was the one paying, Regina would have a say in the outfits.

They gathered with Gretchen and Karen in the girls’ bathroom closest to the main entrance once they arrived at school.

Karen curled the parts of Cady’s hair that she had left down so that it fell in gentle waves down to her shoulders. Gretchen covered her face in makeup, which admittedly looked good, but made Cady’s face feel a little gross. She was going to have to double up on her skincare routine if she was wearing this amount of foundation every day.

Regina just stood in the background, eyeing their every move skeptically and tossing out insults and helpful hints where she saw fit.

Cady didn’t get a chance to talk to Janis and Damian until after lunch.

“So, how’s your first day as a Plastic going, kid?” Damian prodded her.

“Regina’s actually kinda cool, though she’s definitely the apex predator of this biome” she answered, smiling.

“Apex predator?” He questioned.

“Oh,” Cady giggled. “I’ve sort of been analyzing the cafeteria and the social system like the savannah. Regina’s the apex predator: she’s at the top of the food chain, literally everyone is beneath her. And, as such, nobody bothers her.” Damian nodded sagely as she continued. “Did you see how she chewed up that boy for me?”

“Regina is not cool,” Janis butted in with a scowl on her face. “She is a scum-sucking, fart-mouthed, life-ruiner!”

“Oh?” Cady asked meekly, not wanting to see Janis angry anymore.

“Remember how I said those two have some...” Damian coughed. “History? Yeah. It’s bad.”

Janis was still fuming. “Just... it’s exactly like you said, Cady. She’s a predator.”

Cady nodded, before seeing Gretchen off at the end of the hallway and wishing her two friends a speedy goodbye.

* * *

After school, the girls piled into Regina’s sleek little car (Cady thought it had to have been expensive and wondered how rich she was). Regina drove in silence as Gretchen chattered away about all the gossip she had heard and fashion atrocities she’d witnessed since they parted at lunch and Karen looked to be checking her appearance in the rearview. Cady just sat and took it all in.

“So, Cady,” Regina started. “How was your first day as a member of the North Shore elite?”

Regina knew what she was doing. That didn’t sit well with Cady, but she couldn’t very well back out now. “It was good, I guess. People are actually getting my name right, so that’s nice.”

The blonde driving nodded but said nothing.

“Well, I heard that Janis girl has been staring at you in like... every class you two have together!” Gretchen chimed in from the back.

“Oh?” Regina and Cady reacted in unison.

“Dawn Schweitzer told me.” Karen nodded.

“Well, she and that other kid she always hangs out with tried to befriend me yesterday...” Cady tested the waters, not giving anything away.

“You turned them down, right?” Regina sneered. “We can’t have you be seen with the space dyke and her weird friend.”

Cady abhorred the way Regina was talking about Janis, and though she wasn’t sure what ‘dyke’ meant, she was fairly confident it was _not_ good. “No, of course not. That was after you invited me to sit with you guys.”

The lie rolled off her tongue too easily.

“Good.”

She didn’t dare say anything else for the rest of the ride.

When they reached the mall, Regina pretty much _dragged_ Cady into the most expensive-looking store in the place – which was saying something, as they had driven all the way into Chicago.

The three girls loaded Cady down with too short mini-skirts and far too tight tops, making her try each of them on and show them off before either approving or denying them. Cady didn’t get a word in edgewise.

Regina made Gretchen purchase the seven or eight outfits from the first store. “Now, we need to get you some heels.”

So, Cady was laden with a few bags of clothes and a box containing some pink heels, which, while cute, were far too tall. She thought she’d break her ankle in them.

They sat by a fountain to gossip for a while, before Regina got up. “Stay here. I’m getting cheese fries.”

Gretchen shrank into herself and Karen just kept fiddling with her new emoji purse. Cady didn’t dare break the silence, but she needn’t have worried, as Gretchen did that for her soon enough.

“So, Cady, have you seen any guys you think are cute?”

“Oh, yeah, there’s this guy in my calc class, uh... Aaron?”

“Aaron Samuels?” Gretchen squawked.

“Uh... Yeah?”

Apparently, he was Regina’s ex, and that meant he was forbidden. Cady definitely did not understand the high school social hierarchy. If Regina had been the one to break up with _him_ , shouldn’t it be perfectly reasonable for her to be okay with him dating someone else? _Oh well_ , Cady thought. _None of them are in our calc class though, so it’s not like I can’t talk to him and admire his swoopy hair and shiny eyes._

And that she did.

Though she almost blew it when he complimented her shoes. Regina had finally forced her to wear the suede heels to school.

“New shoes?”

“Yeah,” she had giggled (yeah, giggled. She was in deep). “Regina bought them for me.”

“Regina? I didn’t realize you guys were friends.”

“Oh, yeah... Didn’t she break up with you last summer?”

His face fell. “Is that how she’s telling it?”

Cady panicked. “Uh... no, sorry, stupid homeschooled weirdo! Sorry!”

Aaron laughed, and she relaxed.

After class, he turned to her again. “Hey, uh, my buddy’s throwing a Halloween party this Saturday. It’s a costume party. You should come.”

“Oh, grool!”

They both paused as what Cady had said sunk in.

“I, uh... went to say ‘great’ and then started to say ‘cool’.” She explained.

Aaron smiled. “Grool.”

That was the day Cady found out about the Burn Book.

She would forever feel guilty for being the reason there was anything written on Damian’s page, made worse by the fact that it was ‘too gay to function’.

There was always bad mixed in with the good. Cady had always known that. It was just a part of life.

* * *

Saturday morning, Cady was texting Janis and Damian about the party. They were having a horror movie marathon in Janis’s basement, and she was invited to come join after the party, so that’s what she had planned.

_I’ll be there around midnight, I think_.

She spent most of the day prepping her costume, making sure the bloodstain was accurate to the injury.

Around 6:30, she ate with her parents before donning the dress and the wig and the fake gory teeth and heading down the block to the party.

Fittingly enough, Aaron was the first person she saw when she walked in the door and into the wall of sound.

“I... uh... I like your costume. It’s different.”

“Oh, thanks. I like yours too.”

Looking around, Cady suddenly knew what he meant when he said her costume was _different_. All the girls were dressed in... well, glorified underwear. It was all skin and makeup and fake smiles and cheesy winks, and everyone was drinking.

Suffice it to say, it was _not_ Cady’s scene. She stood to the side, sipping on some soda. She had seen Gretchen and Regina chatting earlier but didn’t want to interrupt.

She made it about an hour, bopping to the music and chatting with the occasional person who wanted to talk to her. It wasn’t even nine when she saw Regina talking to Aaron. Cady might not have even noticed what was going on, but they kept glancing at her, and Regina was always the center of attention.

And then she kissed him. And he was kissing her.

And Cady was crying and running out the door.

It didn’t occur to her to warn Janis and Damian before bursting through the door to Janis’s basement, which would have frightened them enough (they _were_ watching horror movies), plus the fact that she was dressed as a bloody murdered bride.

They screamed, but only for a moment, before they registered that it was just Cady, not an axe murderer or horror monster. Then they noticed she was crying.

Ignoring the popcorn spilled everywhere, Damian ran to embrace her, and Janis quickly followed suit.

“What happened, sweets?” Damian asked gently.

Cady, still sobbing, responded. “He... he took her back! Aaron t-took Regina back!”

“Aw Cady, I told you she was a massive bitch,” Janis said, somehow still managing to sound sympathetic while going ‘I told you so’, so Cady couldn’t even be mad.

Damian patted her back before moving back to the couch. “Come sit, love. It’ll be okay.”

Janis joined them. “We’ll get her back for this, Caddy.”

So, horror movies abandoned, the three spend the night plotting Regina’s downfall. Cady was more than ready.

Around midnight, a woman who looked like an older version of Janis came downstairs with three mugs of hot chocolate.

“I heard a little commotion earlier but didn’t want to interrupt. I hope everything’s okay. Here’s some hot chocolate for you kiddos.” The woman, who Cady recalled was probably Veronica, smiled kindly. “And it’s nice to meet you, Cady. I’ve heard good things.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Janis smiled.

“No problem.” Veronica padded back to the stairs but turned before going up. “Don’t tell Heather, but the shot of bourbon in here should make tonight a little more fun.” She winked, then left them alone.

Cady giggled. “Is she always that chill?”

“Most of the time. If it’s about my health, then she’s a hardass, but other than that, she’s a cool mom.” Janis smiled, sipping her hot chocolate. “I hope you’re okay with alcohol though, Cads.”

“Oh, I’ve never really had a whole drink before, but my family has notoriously high tolerance, so I should be fine.”

Damian just winked at her from across the room.

Cady wanted nothing more than to just be with Janis and Damian, because they were genuine and kind, and truly the greatest people she’d met at North Shore. But they wanted her to take down Regina, and she wanted to take down Regina.

And if taking down Regina was what made their friendship stronger, Cady was perfectly okay with some petty revenge. Maybe they could even have a little party when it was over and done with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mara...” Veronica sighed. “I have to tell Jan about... high school. Will you help me?”
> 
> Cady and Damian had left around 3 to return home, leaving Veronica to get anxious about her impending confession.
> 
> “Course I will. Why now, though?”
> 
> “I heard them talking last night. Regina’s a bitch and she hurt Cady, but Cady’s in with her, so Janis wants to use her as an inside man to get revenge. I just... I know it’s not going to come anywhere close to what JD manipulated me into, but... she needs to know.”
> 
> “Regina is the Heather Chandler of the bitches, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is going to be the last of Vera's point of view for a while as we delve into the MG canon events.
> 
> this is a pretty heavy one, what with Veronica telling Janis about Heathers canon and all of that trauma so, hopefully I catch all the TWs that are needed about the whole thing
> 
> TWs: underage drinking, murder, emotional manipulation, referenced homophobia, emotional trauma, vomit mention, suicide mention (in references to the staging of Heather Chandler's and Kurt and Ram's murders), bomb / gun mention, discussion of therapy.
> 
> I think I covered all of the potential sensitive topics of Vera's overview, but let me know if I missed any! If any of that makes you uncomfortable, this is a chapter that's not overly important to the plot. It's just domestic McNamawyer and telling Janis about their high school experience, I'll do a more specific wrap-up in the end notes for you.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys!

** Chapter 15: Veronica **

Veronica heard the basement door slamming open, announcing Cady’s arrival, far earlier than the midnight approximation that they had been given.

She didn’t _mean_ to eavesdrop, but Cady was crying, and her mom instincts kicked in – though she wanted to let Janis and Damian handle it first.

From what she heard, Veronica gathered that Cady had been taken in by Regina’s posse (yikes), and had a crush on Regina’s ex, who Regina got back with probably just to spite Cady (because Regina was like the reincarnation of Heather Chandler).

Veronica really _was_ going to stop listening in after that, she wanted to respect their privacy, but when she heard her daughter say, “We’ll get her back for this,” she couldn’t help herself.

Her own high school revenge plot against the school’s HBIC ended in four deaths. No. It wasn’t _her_ revenge plot. JD had manipulated her into going along with his murderous plans. There was no way in hell she was going to let Janis go too far.

So far, the plan was just to turn the whole school against her. That was fine. Petty? Yes. Unnecessary? Probably. Was Veronica going to let it happen? Yeah.

_But,_ she told herself, she needed to finally let Janis in on her past. For real this time.

She had promised to tell Janis the day after Heather showed up, but... that fell through. It really hadn’t been the right time. There wasn’t ever really going to _be_ a ‘right time’, though. How do you rationalize telling your only child that you were involved in the deaths of four kids before you turned eighteen?

Armed with boozed-up hot chocolate, Veronica made her way down to where the kids were hanging out. “I heard a little commotion earlier but didn’t want to interrupt. I hope everything’s okay. Here’s some hot chocolate for you kiddos.” She wasn’t about to tell poor Cady she was eavesdropping the first time they met. Oh, yeah, she should probably actually introduce herself to Cady. “And it’s nice to meet you, Cady. I’ve heard good things.”

Janis thanked her as she set down the mugs.

“No problem.” Veronica padded back to the stairs but turned before going up. “Don’t tell Heather, but the shot of bourbon in here should make tonight a little more fun.” She winked before leaving them to their own devices for the rest of the night.

Heather would have a conniption if she found out that Veronica gave the kids alcohol, but after the night it sounded like they’d had, a shot would help them loosen up (and get them to sleep sooner). About an hour later, it sounded as if everyone downstairs was asleep or on their way to it, so Veronica set her book down.

She slid under the covers next to Heather (either awake and in search of cuddles or just so used to being pressed up against Veronica that she did it subconsciously) who immediately snuggled into her.

The little blonde tucked under her chin succeeded in distracting Veronica from the hard task ahead of her, so she drifted to sleep with ‘I love you’ on her lips.

Waking up on a rainy Sunday morning was always a chore, but Heather was dragging her out of bed by 8:30, insisting they cook a full breakfast for the kids downstairs.

“Come _on,_ Vera, you know Damian will love it, and we have to make a good impression on Cady! I still haven’t met her.”

Veronica groaned and cracked her eyes open. “Fine. But bring me coffee first.”

Mac smiled. “Your mug is on the nightstand with your coffee in it. Chug it, tame your freaking hair, and join me in the awake world!”

Soon enough, Veronica was caffeinated and in the kitchen plating full breakfasts with Heather. Scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, fruit, and toast were piled on plates. “We get to eat this too, right babe?”

“Hm?” Mac looked up from the last set of pancakes cooking. “Well, duh! We made enough for all of us – even with Damian being one.” She giggled. Damian was known for eating a lot of Heather’s breakfast food. It was his favorite. She watched Mac slide the last pancakes onto a plate. “Ok, let’s deliver it!”

“Oh, are they getting the five-star experience?” Veronica chuckled at her enthusiasm, endeared all the same.

“I haven’t met Cady!” Heather exclaimed indignantly.

“She’ll love you even if you weren’t making me deliver her breakfast. It’s like, impossible not to.”

So, the two adults balanced three plates and mugs of hot coffee as best they could and made their way down the stairs. Luckily there was no snoring, meaning Veronica wouldn’t have to wake Janis.

She peered around the corner of the stairs once she reached the bottom. Cady was curled up in the crook of Damian’s arm as Janis lay dramatically across them, all giggling at some compilation of people falling over. Veronica would never tire of seeing Janis smile and be herself with other people. It was a gift she thought she might lose for a while.

“Good morning, loves!” Heather exclaimed, rounding the corner. “I brought breakfast and coffee!”

“I helped too,” Veronica complained, smiling. “But she did most of the work. Cady dear, welcome to your first morning with Heather, where she does everything she can to impress you even though she doesn’t need to.”

The small redhead giggled at that, pushing Janis’s head out of her lap so she could access the plate in front of her. “It’s nice to meet you, Heather. And to see you in daylight, Veronica.”

“Oh, and she’s polite, too!” Mac rested her chin on Janis’s head. “Janis, take some pointers from her.”

“Heather!” Veronica chided before Janis could retort. “They’re barely awake and you’ve just met Cady.”

“So?” the blonde quirked her head, mock innocence radiating from her.

“So, we don’t tease Janis until after 1pm on weekends and not until the third time being with a new friend.”

Her daughter smiled gratefully at her, but just chuckled. “It’s okay, Mom. We can let Heather be Heather.”

“Alright then.” Veronica smiled. “But we’ll go upstairs now. Join us after your finished, though! Cady should know some stuff about us,” she paused to glare at Janis, “ _from us_ , so she can tell her parents about who’s housing and feeding her every so often.”

Janis just stuck her tongue out; which Veronica couldn’t help but mirror before returning upstairs.

* * *

“Mara...” Veronica sighed. “I have to tell Jan about... high school. Will you help me?”

Cady and Damian had left around 3 to return home, leaving Veronica to get anxious about her impending confession.

“Course I will. Why now, though?”

“I heard them talking last night. Regina’s a bitch and she hurt Cady, but Cady’s in with her, so Janis wants to use her as an inside man to get revenge. I just... I know it’s not going to come anywhere close to what JD manipulated me into, but... she needs to know.”

“Regina is the Heather Chandler of the bitches, right?”

“Yep. Prefers pink over red, though.”

Heather sighed, nodding. “Now?”

“Might as well get it over with.” Veronica frowned before calling upstairs. “Hey Jan, baby? I need to talk to you for a little bit.”

Janis came thundering down the stairs, still in her Halloween pajamas. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Well, yeah. Uh... I broke our ‘no eavesdropping’ rule last night, only because I heard the beginning of the conversation and couldn’t stop myself once I started...”

She rolled her eyes. “I mean, I’m a little annoyed, but you’re a mom, it’s what you do. You’re gonna tell me that getting revenge on Regina is a bad idea, blah blah blah. I know. But she deserves a little karma and if I’m the one to hand it to her... even better.”

“Janis... you’re about halfway there. Revenge is... a fine line to walk. Um. I need to tell you about high school.”

“I’m in high school, Mom.”

“She means... the reason she never talks about _her_ in high school. There’s a big story, sweetheart, and we think now is a good a time as any for you to hear it.” Heather chimed in. Veronica nodded, sinking into the couch.

“Come sit next to me babe. I... please don’t look at me differently after this. I’ve come to terms with what I did, it’s all in the past and we can’t change it. It... it really wasn’t my fault.”

Janis furrowed her brow but came to sit next to her mother on the couch.

“I got in with the popular crowd in high school. We called them The Heathers, because they were all named Heather. You know Mac, she was always sweet. Then there was Heather Duke. She ran the yearbook, but mostly trailed after Heather Chandler trying to be her. Chandler was... well, she was sort of like Regina. Everyone bowed down to her, even her own closest friends. I partied with them, got far too drunk, and threw up on her. She told me I was done for. So, I walked home, at 2am, still drunk. I see the hot and dark new kid, JD, lives in a house on my way home, his light is on and he’s reading in bed. So, I climb up and bust through his window in all my drunken, disheveled glory, announcing that I’m a ‘dead girl walking’ and that I needed to ‘ride him ‘till I break him’.”

Heather let out a snort then. “You never told me you said _that_!”

“Please spare the sex details, Mom,” Janis said through her own giggles.

“Will do. We screwed then fell asleep. I had a nightmare that Chandler found out about my little fling, woke up, and decided I needed to go apologize. JD offers to come with me ‘for backup’.” Veronica threw in exasperated air quotes for emphasis.

“I wanted to get my own little petty revenge, so I’m trying to cough up a spitball for her prairie oyster that I’m mixing in a mug, and JD pulls out a bottle of drain cleaner. I thought he was just joking around and being a dick, and I tell him not to, but I’m laughing. He pours it in a glass anyways, then into a mug so she couldn’t see she was drinking some bright blue shit. We made out before I rushed upstairs, so I grabbed the wrong mug off the counter. She drinks the goddamn drain cleaner and falls through the table, dead as a doornail.” Tears are biting at the corners of her eyes, but Veronica refuses to let them through. “I’m freaking out, somehow he’s still calm. He convinces me that we can make it look like a suicide. I could forge handwriting, and she had a copy of _The Bell Jar_ right on her nightstand. So, I forge some bullshit suicide note, we leave that and the book in her hand, and leave.”

“Tell me this is some sick joke,” Janis said, face pale. “Please. This can’t be real.”

Heather wrapped her arms around the both of them. “It’s real, and it gets worse. It’s in the past, she has blamed herself more than enough. She didn’t want any of it, JD was... insistent. Please, just listen. Questions come later, alright?”

Janis nodded, looking slightly less horrified.

Veronica swallowed the lump in her throat and kept going. “A few days or a few weeks go by, she gets _more_ popular post-mortem for actually having feelings. After her funeral, Mac and Duke are on a double date with two jock assholes, Ram and Kurt. Mac calls me saying there’s an emergency, I get there to find that I had been offered up as an alternative because neither Heather wanted to sleep with them, especially as inebriated as they were. I got out fine, we all did. They started a rumor that they had a lovely little ‘swordfight in my mouth’ that night, I’m called ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ all over the place because I got booted from the Heathers, right? JD tries to defend my honor and gets beat up. He’s got a grudge against them on both of our behalves. So, he says, we get revenge. I call them and offer a threesome, but we actually knock them unconscious and make it look like they killed themselves because they were secretly gay for each other. _Ich luge_ bullets, he said. Spoiler, that’s German for ‘I’m lying’. We shot them. We... we killed them. Everyone thought it was a ‘repressed homosexual suicide pact’.”

She couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over at that point. “They were just seventeen. They could have turned out good but now we’ll never know. And I enabled it.”

“Ronnie, honey, you have been over this time and again, and I know it doesn’t always stick. You were manipulated and forced into doing that.” Heather murmured, rubbing her back. She took a deep breath before continuing.

“Anyways, some, uh, other shit happened, but it’s not really relevant. I broke things off with him, I was done. He gets Heather Duke to take over Chandler’s position. She gets the whole school to sign this fucking petition, I don’t even know what she told people it was for. My best friend before the Heathers _actually_ tried to kill herself. Luckily, she was okay. Duke was a megabitch, put Heather through the wringer, but that’s her story to tell. JD was going to kill me next, another faked suicide. I faked my own suicide, hung myself nicely from the ceiling in my room. He tells me all about his plan to blow up the school so we could be together. The petition was how he would make it look like a student-body mass movement. I came into school the next day to stop him, find him in the boiler room with a bomb. We fight, yadda yadda, I shot him a couple times to keep him from shooting me. I leave the boiler room with the bomb, about to end things all on the football field. I started it, so I thought it only fair that I end with it. But JD somehow managed to drag his way out to me, and finally gets a conscience. Convinces me that I... that I still had some good in me, that I should live. He was too damaged, he said, far too damaged to keep on living. I let him explode with the bomb. Managed to graduate, make it to college, get therapy with someone who didn’t call the cops and assured me that the true perpetrator was JD. I was remorseful and I had been manipulated into it, and I definitely didn’t pose a threat to others, so she kept HIPAA for me. And now we’re here.”

Janis looked at her with wide eyes shining with unshed tears. Veronica wiped a few from her own cheeks.

“You... he... how are you _okay_?”

“A lot of therapy, a lot of time, a lot of distance. You. My job.” She managed a weak smile. “It took a long time for me to be even close to okay, and even now some days it haunts me. But I can cope with it. I can be mostly okay.”

Heather pulled them both into the tightest hug she could muster, which was _tight_. She apparently never lost her muscle from cheering. “You both are amazingly strong. You will be okay. Just remember to put your foot down when enough is enough, and try not to manipulate Cady into killing Regina and making it look like a suicide, mmkay?”

That managed to draw a laugh out of both Sarkisian girls. “I _promise_ that this is just petty revenge, and nobody will die or even be seriously injured. We just want her to lose her power, her boyfriend, her status. That’s it.”

Veronica smiled. “Good. That’s my girl. Do no harm but take no shit, alright?”

Janis nodded. “How are you okay with this after everything you’ve been through? How did you tell me all of that without breaking the fuck down?”

“Same answer as before. It took a lot of time and therapy, but it was all JD’s grand plan, and I was just a pawn who was a little too blinded by love to see what I was doing.”

“Every time I think you’ve amazed me as much as you possibly can, you come out with some shit like this.” Janis smiled up at her. “I... I haven’t processed that story fully yet, but I don’t blame you for any of it. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks, kiddo. I’m glad too. Now go figure out how to topple that queen from her throne without doing actual physical damage, my love.”

Janis slowly rose and returned to her room, leaving Veronica still reeling on the couch.

“You did that wonderfully, darling,” Mac whispered into her ear. “Everything is okay. You’re okay. I’m okay. Janis is okay. We can leave the past in the past forever now. I talked Duke down, there’s no reason this needs to come up again outside of therapy.”

Veronica nodded, tears still spilling down her cheeks. “Thanks, Mara. You always know just what to say.” She whispered delicately, reaching for a tissue. “I love you.”

“I love _you_ ,” the blonde responded, resting her chin on Vera’s head. “Always have, always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡
> 
> Summary for anyone who wasn't comfortable with any of the crap contained in Heathers canon: Veronica's point of view of Cady bursting in after the Halloween party, then some domestic McNamawyer being cute and feeding the kids breakfast. Then they tell Janis about their high school experience so that she doesn't go too far with Regina. Janis is fairly understanding and supportive. I think that's about it :)
> 
> Love you all.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week after Halloween, Janis found herself back in her basement with Cady and Damian, planning out the next step of their plot.
> 
> “Gretchen said that Regina ‘tried’ to talk to Aaron,” Cady put air quotes around tried, “but he ‘just wanted her back’ and it ‘wasn’t Regina’s fault’.” Looking at Janis and Damian’s aghast faces, she giggled. “Yeah, it was absurd. And then she said Regina wanted her to give me ‘this’ and gave me the most awkward hug ever!”
> 
> She demonstrated by awkwardly wrapping her arms around Janis, tightly enough so that she couldn’t move to reciprocate, but loose enough so that it felt ingenuine.
> 
> Janis’s heart didn’t beat any faster when she did that. Nope, definitely not. Even when Damian eyed her suspiciously.
> 
> “Okay, well... first we have to take away her biggest achievement and point of influence over the school,” Janis began. “Being a hot person.”
> 
> Damian giggled. Cady lit up with an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally found the inspiration to update! i've finished my first year of college, and i have more free time, but it's been hard to write lately, so i don't know when the next update will be.
> 
> TWs: mentions of murder, emotional manipulation. but it's just a very light recap of heathers canon from janis to damian and it's very watered down. plus weight gain is discussed in a negative light (kalteen bar incident) and cheating is touched on (regina n shane oman...). but nothing too heavy, i'm just trying to cover all the bases. and as always, if i miss anything, please let me know!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

** Chapter 16: Janis **

Hearing about all of the shit her mother had been through definitely put things in perspective for Janis.

It wasn’t going to stop her from getting her petty revenge on Regina, but... it was definitely a cautionary tale to keep in mind. She wasn’t messed up in the head like that JD dude, she didn’t want Regina dead. Just... she needed a taste of her own medicine.

Somehow, having told Cady about what Regina did to her was freeing. She knew that Cady wasn’t homophobic, the girl loved Veronica and Heather and Damian, but she still couldn’t bring herself to actually tell her that Regina was right.

Janis was far beyond the days of being ashamed of her sexuality; she just wanted Cady to love her for who she was as a person before she started espousing shit about being proud that Janis was ‘living her truth’ or some shit like that. It seemed like something the little redhead would say. However, it wasn’t like she was hiding it. Her haircut and clothing didn’t have anything straight about them.

She was lounging in her room, trying to comprehend what her mother and Heather had been through. Naturally, she called Damian.

The phone rang a few times before he picked up. “Hey sweets, what’s up?”

“Just... thinking, I guess.”

“I was just with you this morning, and you didn’t seem to have anything heavy on your mind. Did something happen?”

Damian was the sweetest person she had ever met, and times like these reminded Janis just how lucky she was to have met him.

“I guess you could say that, yeah.” She twirled a lock of hair around her finger nervously. “My mom and Heather... well, you know how they never really talked about high school?”

“Yeah, and they never told you why, but they just refused to talk about it?”

“They told me what went down their senior year and I am not processing it... wait. I was gonna ask if I could talk it through with you, but I should probably make sure I’m allowed to like... say anything about it.”

“If it’s hit you this hard, you probably should.”

Janis smiled and set her phone down. “I’ll be right back, don’t hang up.” She poked her head into the hall.

She could hear voices in the kitchen, so she just shouted down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I’m processing all this... would you be alright if I talked to Damian? I won’t go into detail but like... I didn’t want to say anything if it wasn’t okay with you.”

“Go ahead, love. If you want, you can tell Damian everything, he’s practically our kid as well. But thanks for asking!”

Janis flopped back onto her bed and picked up her phone. “She said I could tell you everything. But I don’t wanna traumatize you too, so like... how far do you want me to go?”

“Love, I don’t know how far it goes or even what it’s about... so...”

“How do you feel about murder?”

“Oh... uh, well, I certainly don’t condone it, but I’m fine to hear about it, I guess.”

She hummed thoughtfully, trying to think of how to give him the gentlest version of the story. Damian loved Veronica; she wasn’t about to change that for him.

“Um, okay, so... in high school, she had this boyfriend, and... well, long story short, he manipulated her into going along with him as he murdered three of their classmates and making them all look like suicides.” Janis heard her friend gasp but kept going. She knew she was shortening the story, but it was the truth. “And when she broke up with him because of it, he tried to blow up the school. No, first he came to kill her, but she knew about it, so she faked hanging herself and then apprehended him before he could blow up the whole school, and he just ended up blowing himself up on the football field.”

A moment of silence as Damian processed. “Wow. Look, I always knew Veronica was a badass, but _damn_.” He sounded almost reverent. “She made it out of all that and is like the most successful lawyer in the area, plus she gave the world the best lesbian friend a gay dude could ask for.”

Somehow, even after hearing _that_ , he managed to be positive and raise a giggle out of Janis. She looked down at her fishnet-clad legs and felt her feelings sink. “Damian?” she asked.

“Yes dear?”

“Do you think Caddy figured out that I’m a lesbian from when we told her about Regina in sixth grade?”

She chewed her lip, waiting for his promised thoughtful reply.

“She’s not exactly socialized to teenage subtext yet, Jan, so... I don’t really think she does know. You certainly don’t dress very hetero, but that’s not something I think she’d pick up on very quickly. However, if you said something, I don’t think it would come as a surprise.”

“Thanks, Damian,” Janis responded, very much meaning it. She didn’t have a clue where she’d be without him by her side at North Shore.

“Do you _want_ her to know you’re a lesbian?” He sounded teasing, almost, but Janis couldn’t pick out why.

“I wouldn’t be upset if she knew, she’s chill about that stuff, but like... I think I’d like it better if she’d know me for me before all she could see is my raging lesbian-ness.”

“Mmhmm,”

“You don’t sound convinced.” Janis picked at a run in her tights. “What’s up your sleeve?”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed it yet, at least consciously, but I _see_ the way you look at her, Janis.” She could practically see his smirk.

“Damian! I don’t have a crush on Caddy!”

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

“Don’t fucking quote _Hamlet_ at me, you heathen! I’m allowed to want to be friends with cute girls without wanting to date them.” Janis could feel her face heating up but thought it was more from embarrassment than anything that could have to do with Cady.

“So... you do think she’s cute!” Damian fucking _squealed_ , and loudly at that.

“Oh my god, Damian! I do _not_ have a crush on Cady fucking Heron! Also, that practically broke my eardrum and my volume wasn’t even halfway up.” Janis giggled at that, she always found herself reprimanding him for volume, especially over the phone.

She listened attentively as he told her about how he’d spent the afternoon trying to pick out a song to audition for the spring musical with and teased him about how auditions weren’t for another two or three months. They just chatted and laughed and distracted each other for a solid hour until Veronica called Janis down for dinner.

“Bye, Damian! I’ll text you later!”

“Save some food and bring it for me as lunch tomorrow if it was Heather cooking dinner,” Damian laughed. “I love Veronica, but I don’t quite trust her cooking.”

“Not after the time sophomore year that she tried to make us scrambled eggs for breakfast and ended up _charring_ them!” Janis giggled at the memory. “But I really do have to go eat.”

“Alright, sweets. I love you!”

“Love you too!”

* * *

School wasn’t quite as much of a nightmare for Janis and Damian in the few weeks between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Regina was too focused on flaunting Aaron on her arm (likely just to drive poor Cady nuts), and Gretchen and Karen didn’t dare think for themselves and make any snide comments.

Lunches were spent analyzing Cady’s various facial expressions, _especially_ on days when Regina dragged Aaron over to sit with them. Whenever Regina flipped her hair, Cady would ever-so-subtly roll her eyes. When Aaron kissed Regina, a scowl passed over her face, but she was quick to cover it up.

Janis just noticed it because she was good at reading her friends, and Cady was a pretty open book. That’s what she insisted, anyways, no matter how many times Damian sang “you _like_ her” softly into her ear.

No, she didn’t _like_ Cady. Not like that, anyways. Of course Janis enjoyed Cady’s presence and friendship, that was how friends tended to work. Her heart didn’t beat any faster when Cady smiled directly at her or laughed at one of her jokes. Janis didn’t feel her face get hot when their hands would accidentally brush walking home. No, Janis _definitely_ didn’t get all hot and sweaty when Cady would curl up on her lap or rest her head on Janis’s long legs during movie nights.

Janis didn’t have a crush on her, absolutely not. This was just... normal friendship. Janis just so happened to be gay, and Cady was a relatively attractive girl. It was just... the whole thing was _normal_.

Despite Damian’s intuition and insistence, no, Janis certainly wasn’t crushing on her new friend from Africa.

She had been telling herself that since they chased after her and found her in the bathroom. No, of course it was just friendship. No gay thoughts here, not at all.

And it almost worked. Janis’s rampant denial kept her feelings in check right up until they started to actually begin to enact their revenge plot. Seeing Cady all excited about taking Regina down was _cute_ , her crush on Aaron was _infuriating_ , and while Janis didn’t get it, she went along with it for Cady.

No, she would insist to Damian, of _course_ she’s not fucking _jealous_. What is there to be jealous about? Janis was just happy that her friend would maybe get a chance with her crush.

A week after Halloween, Janis found herself back in her basement with Cady and Damian, planning out the next step of their plot.

“Gretchen said that Regina ‘tried’ to talk to Aaron,” Cady put air quotes around _tried_ , “but he ‘just wanted her back’ and it ‘wasn’t Regina’s fault’.” Looking at Janis and Damian’s aghast faces, she giggled. “Yeah, it was absurd. And then she said Regina wanted her to give me ‘this’ and gave me the most awkward hug ever!”

She demonstrated by awkwardly wrapping her arms around Janis, tightly enough so that she couldn’t move to reciprocate, but loose enough so that it felt ingenuine.

Janis’s heart didn’t beat any faster when she did that. Nope, definitely not. Even when Damian eyed her suspiciously.

“Okay, well... first we have to take away her biggest achievement and point of influence over the school,” Janis began. “Being a hot person.”

Damian giggled. Cady lit up with an idea.

“Oh! I know what we can do!”

Both gays gave her their full attention. Janis was _not_ admiring her confidence.

“So, when we were over at her house the other day, they were all pointing out things they want to change about their appearances, and Regina said she wanted to lose three pounds.”

Janis pulled a face at their self-image issues. Damian nodded along. “So... what’s the idea?”

“Well,” Cady grinned devilishly, which didn’t make Janis want to melt into a puddle whatsoever. “When we were in Africa, my mom had these calorie-rich nutrient bars that she would give to the kids when they were malnourished and needed to gain weight. I can tell Regina that they’re diet bars, and she won’t be any wiser!”

Damian laughed. “That’s a good idea, Caddy, but couldn’t she just read the label?”

“Oh, that’s the best part! It’s all in Swedish, and since she doesn’t have any reason to believe that I would sabotage her, she won’t put it through Google Translate.”

Janis smiled. “What about you tell her that the weight loss properties are only activated if you pair the bar with an all-carb diet?”

Cady giggled and nodded enthusiastically. Damian practically cackled. “Oh, Jan, you are pure _evil_ , and I am loving it!”

The next Tuesday, they all met up. Regina had requested a whole _box_ of Cady’s Kalteen bars, much to Janis’s delight.

“Oh, Caddy, that’s _amazing_! I can’t believe that bottle-blonde bitch bought that bullshit!”

Damian smiled, but looked at Janis expectantly. “We have some other good news, as well.”

“Oh, yeah! I was accepted into this big art showcase in the city, it’s on February 15th, and I really want you both to be there.”

Cady smiled weakly. “I think I’m going to Madison with my parents that weekend, but I’m not sure. I really want to go, so I’ll check on it.”

Janis’s smile faded slightly, but she kept her disappointment in check. It was family stuff that she likely couldn’t get out of, after all. “Well, if you can’t make it, I hope you have fun in Madison.” For once, she was being completely genuine.

“Wow, Jan, no sarcasm?” Damian elbowed her gently in the ribs.

“Oh, come on, I’m not sarcastic _that_ often.” She looked at her two friends, staring silently at her. “Right?”

“It seems like you use sarcasm to deal with your feelings and fear of getting close to people,” Cady piped up, her voice far too chipper for what she was saying, and Janis still found it hard not to be endeared by – oh, fuck. No. Janis was not _endeared_ by her friends, that was far too close to having deeper feelings than friends are supposed to.

Janis blanched, and Damian, not knowing all of her internal monologue at the moment, frowned at the redhead. “That was a little too spot-on for comfort, Cads.” He murmured, smiling gingerly at Janis, who continued to stare.

“Oh, sorry,” Cady sounded genuinely apologetic. “Sometimes I find it really hard to read people, especially high school people, and especially the Plastics. Then I go home, and I spend far too much time researching why people act the way they do, and then I have insights that I don’t recognize are... inappropriate to blurt out like that. I really am sorry if I called you out, Janis!”

A smile slowly formed on her plum-tinted lips. “It’s alright, Cady, I was just a little shocked you pinned me down that accurately. It took my therapist way more than two months to get that good of a read on me.” She simpered.

“Therapy?”

Oh, right. Cady hadn’t known exactly how much of an impact Regina’s middle school antics had had on Janis. She presented herself as tough and unapproachable for a reason. It was easy to be indestructible when nobody was ever close enough to her to destroy her.

Well, shit. No escape now. “Yeah, I’ve been going since the Regina incident. It hit a little too close to home, and then with my dad leaving right after...” she chuckled darkly. “Lord knows I needed it.”

The small redhead looked shocked, but took it all in stride. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Janis! The fact that Regina had been right must have made everything worse...”

“I never said she was right, Cads.” Janis tried to keep some shred of her soul from being bared to this girl but it was fucking _hard_ when she was silly and cute and cared and – _no_. No gay thoughts for Janis, not today.

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you _not_ gay? I just sorta... y’know, your hair and your style don’t exactly scream ‘hetero’, plus you said it hit a little too close to home, so...”

Janis deflated. Damian looked conflicted, but stayed silent and settled for anxiously fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“No, Cads, I’m sorry for snapping. I _am_ gay, and I’m not ashamed, I just... I wanted you to be friends with me and get to know _me_ for who I am, not for who I love... it’s dumb, I know. I just wanted to have a ‘normal’ friendship with a girl without her thinking I’m like... trying to come on to her, you know?”

“It’s not dumb, Janis!” Cady exclaimed, rushing over to throw her into a tight embrace. “You didn’t want me to judge even though you know I wouldn’t because your experiences of having female friends who even _suspect_ that you like girls are pretty terrible and I can’t imagine it’s been possible to remedy that while still going to school with Regina.”

She pulled the smaller girl tighter into her, letting herself relish in the comfort that came from having Cady’s arms wrapped around her.

“Thanks for being so understanding, Cads. It means a lot.”

“Of course! I love you just the way you are, no change necessary.”

Janis ignored the butterflies that started flapping around in her gut when Cady said love. “I love you too, Caddy.”

Before she could focus on whatever feeling it was that was making her face heat up, Damian saved her with his humor. “I love _you_ , Damian!” He squealed in a high-pitched voice, just before wrapping his arms around both of them.

Cady giggled. “I do love you, Damian, but Janis was having a moment, okay?”

“Ugh, you mean not everything is about me?” he whined, trying and failing to mask his giddy smile.

“That’s exactly what I mean, you doofus.”

* * *

November and December passed slowly but surely.

Janis and Damian hung out every weekend in Janis’s basement, as was the usual agenda, but Cady showed up less and less often.

Yeah, she had to keep up appearances with the Plastics, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting. And Janis missed her.

And _oh shit,_ Janis _missed her_. Somehow in Cady’s absence, Janis had stopped being able to push down all the gross _feelings_ that ate her up inside.

She was undeniably gay, and _fuck_ , she was gay for her new friend.

When she admitted it to Damian, he claimed it was a Christmas miracle, and congratulated her for finally being able to admit it.

Janis hadn’t even _wanted_ to admit it, she was barely okay with being the stereotype in love with her only female friend, but it was growing to be too much.

They were connected through a shared desire for revenge, and circumstance dictated that they only interact to further Regina’s downfall. It was _working_ , but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as she thought it would be.

The blonde had started to noticeably gain weight, and the whispers about her were no longer completely those of fear and awe. But Cady was still fawning over Aaron, and constantly complaining about how Regina treated him horribly and yet he still stayed with her. She wouldn’t shut up about the boy. And Janis understands, on a certain level, having that kind of crush. Hell, she had one, but she could keep it to herself. But she couldn’t help but find it a little annoying and tiresome, and she was _jealous_ , which certainly didn’t help.

She hated herself a little more for it, but she kept it under wraps, and even gave the stupidly good piece of advice to break an already fragile Gretchen to get any information that they could use.

So, they faked a candy-cane-gram. And Gretchen freaked and revealed to Cady that Regina used the excuse of ‘studying for her SATs’ to cheat with Shane Oman. In the goddamned mascot costume.

Janis _really_ didn’t understand straight people sometimes.

She let Cady tell Aaron. She couldn’t help it, that girl put on her puppy dog eyes and a little pout and Janis was powerless to say no to her.

Damian just smiled knowingly and held her hand whenever Cady would complain that Aaron wasn’t flirting with her even though he wasn’t with Regina anymore.

“Cady, honey, she hurt him badly. It’s gonna take some time for him to be open to the idea of a relationship again.” Damian soothed.

“You’re right, I suppose,” Cady sighed, staring off into space. Janis still didn’t want to find it endearing, but she just looked so _soft_ in those moments.

So what if half of her sketchbook was covered in doodles of a small girl with bright eyes and curly red hair? Janis wouldn’t even admit to Damian the sketches she had of that girl hand in hand with a taller girl in combat boots with ombre hair.

But they were there. Janis supposes she sort of takes after her mother in that regard. Her mom kept meticulous diaries from the beginning of middle school through _now_ , and much in the same way, Janis has her sketchbooks. The doodles and sketches document her moods, big events, and teen angst bullshit. They’re just visual rather than verbose.

Well... this sure is teen angst bullshit. Because Janis is in love with a girl who doesn’t love her back, not in the same way, and she has no clue how she got here.

No matter how many walls she put up, how guarded she was, Cady wiggled her way in. And Janis couldn’t even be _mad_ about it, because Cady’s heart was good and in the right place. It always would be, because that’s just how the redhead is. She’s honest and open and her heart is on her sleeve and Janis can see that it’s not in love with her and it hurts more than it should because she _knew_ this was coming. She tried to stop it.

Still, somehow, Janis was here, infatuated with the sweet, innocent new girl.

She didn’t even let Damian know that Cady was always the thing on her mind right before she fell asleep, because if she admitted that, she’d be in far deeper than she already was. In her head, it could be a silly teenage crush, but saying any of that out loud? Wouldn’t that make it love?

And wouldn’t that be terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated ♡
> 
> also, i don't know if you noticed, but i finally added a total chapter amount! because i finally got around to actually fleshing out the rest of the plot.
> 
> as a writer, i'm very disorganized and tend to go with a more train-of-thought approach to all my writing, but it adds so many tangents and plot points that i didn't intend to have, and i wanted to actually finish this story (i've only finished one other long fic ever and it was a 10-chapter PJO fic from my eighth grade wattpad days...) so i made a concrete plan. i don't have a timeline but i finally have a plot to follow, so there's that.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About a week before Janis’s art show, and Cady’s family trip to Madison, she sat down with Gretchen and Karen after school for frozen yogurt, as had become somewhat of a Tuesday tradition.
> 
> “So, what are we doing this weekend?” Karen asked.
> 
> “Karen, it’s Tuesday.” Cady didn’t want to reprimand her or make her feel stupid, so she just pointed out the facts in the hopes that Karen would pick up on it.
> 
> “Yeah, so the weekend is only... a number of days away.” She smiled. “So, do we have plans?”
> 
> “Oh, well, my parents and I are going to Madison for a... show.” She wasn’t going to tell them she was going to see a scientist.
> 
> “Sweet, we can throw a party while your parents are away!” Gretchen chimed in. Cady rolled her eyes automatically. 
> 
> “Gretch, I’m going with them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got it done! This one was really hard to write for some reason. Hopefully I'll have the next one up with less of a wait. Thanks for sticking around!
> 
> TWs: d-slur (it's only in the scene with regina where Cady talks about how she 'really found out Janis was gay' so if you want to skip it there are a few instances between that line and 'that just stiffened her resolve to tear Regina down'), also in that scene Regina insinuates that wlw are inherently predatory,,, alcohol, underage drinking, weed is mentioned briefly, the scene where Cady inherently uses Janis's identity against her, shitty coping mechanisms, negative self-talk, technically it's self harm but it's not cutting fyi, and i think that encompasses it but As Always please let me know if I need to add anything!
> 
> I hated writing the scene where Regina is a complete bitch and lesbophobe to Janis but I felt it was... a clarifying experience for Cady as to Janis's hatred for Regina. It's not super important plot-wise so go ahead and skip it if any of that makes you uncomfortable, it's within the lines mentioned above.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

** Chapter 17: Cady **

Calculus was _unbearable_ at this point. Cady had to sit and stay quiet unless she was flirting with Aaron, which didn’t happen nearly as much as she wanted it to. The urge to continue blurting out the answers like she had at the beginning of the year was hard to suppress, but... she had to play dumb. She’d been failing quizzes and tests ever since the Halloween party when she had complimented Aaron’s... smarts?

Even then, she had a bad feeling about it, but she was so infatuated with him that she ignored her gut.

Look where that had gotten her.

Soon enough, the class was over, and Aaron hadn’t said a word to her. He started zipping up his bag, and before she could think better of it, Cady stopped right next to him.

“Hey...” she started, sounding sufficiently awkward. “How are you holding up?”

He shrugged, shouldering his backpack. “It sucks, especially when the whole school knows. And probably knew before I did. I’ll get over it.”

Before Cady could protest, he walked away. But she couldn’t follow after him, because Ms. Norbury was in front of her, one hand on her hip and the other holding a packet. As she suspected, it was her latest failed quiz.

“I know, I know,” she sighed, taking the paper. “I need to do better or whatever.”

“Actually, Cady, I need you to get this signed by your parents. You’re _failing_.” The older woman looked at her, and Cady got a feeling that she knew far more than she was letting on. She ignored the sneaking suspicion in favor of figuring out how to ask Janis to forge her mom’s signature. “The odd thing is, Cady, is that all the work is right. It’s just the answers that are wrong.”

She shuffled her feet awkwardly, not looking up at her teacher. “Aaron is tutoring me.”

“Aaron... is tutoring _you?”_ she chuckled drily. “Why am I not surprised? Do better, sweetie. I know you can.”

Cady frowned.

_“_ I’m a pusher, Cady. I know what you’re capable of.”

* * *

In winter, the days always seemed to drag along. With the Plastics, though, life was far from boring.

Cady and Gretchen accidentally made a scene in the cafeteria when Regina tried to sit at their table wearing sweatpants, and it wasn’t a Friday. The final decision was left to her, and she couldn’t say no to Karen, who twirled a strand of hair and pretended to be interested in the far wall, or Gretchen, who was cowering like a puppy about to be kicked. She had to stand up for them.

And honestly?

She liked the power.

However, Cady may have told a little white lie to Janis about ‘reading people’ and Googling stuff. She did figure out Janis was gay, that wasn’t a lie. She just couldn’t bring herself to tell her how she actually knew.

Seeing the pain that still reflected in the seemingly confident girl’s eyes when she brought up Regina... Cady couldn’t bear to bring her more of that bad news. All she knew is that Janis’s sexuality wasn’t going to change anything about her friendship, because Cady loved her anyways and would do anything to see her happy.

How she really found out that Janis was gay was that somehow, she had come up in conversation with the Plastics. Apparently, there was no good fresh gossip, so they resorted to the old standard.

“Yeah, Cady, we saw you talking to that dyke the other day, what’s up with that?” Regina had asked, saccharine sweet.

Cady didn’t exactly know what _dyke_ meant, but she could tell it wasn’t anything good if the venom in Regina’s voice was any indicator.

“Oh,” she faked a laugh. “She’s so weird, she came up to me after class and asked if I needed _help_ with anything, whatever that means.”

She had no clue how far her words were about to be twisted by the pack of bitches she was supposed to be friends with. Cady had meant help with classwork, like tutoring, or maybe just some more bringing her up to speed with teens in America.

Gretchen latched onto the way Cady said the word ‘help’. “Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky you got out of that!” the girl squawked excitedly.

“What do you mean? She was just offering...”

Before Cady could come up with an appropriate cover, Regina jumped in. “Honey, she was offering to, hm, I’ll phrase it kindly for you, loosen you up a bit.”

“What?” She sort of assumed what Regina meant, but shocked both about what they were insinuating about Janis in general as well as her sexuality, she didn’t attempt to shade the confusion from her eyes.

“Honey, she was offering to screw you in the bathroom. Gross-ass dyke. You’d never do shit like that.”

Cady held in a shudder at the way Regina said the word ‘dyke’. It was pretty clear to her now that it was an insult to gay people, and a quick Google search when she got home that night let her know that it was a disgusting and derogatory _slur_.

That just stiffened her resolve to tear Regina down, and seeing karma kick her ass by way of letting Cady shut her out? Perfect.

She and Janis and Damian celebrated that weekend with a small get-together at Damian’s house this time. She knew that it was just him and his mom, but his mom was super kind, if a little frazzled, but Cady figured she just got off a long shift at work. Besides, her cooking was to die for.

Cady couldn’t help but notice that Janis was wearing a new black top under her signature jean jacket coated in patches and paintings. The top was slightly cropped, just covering the button of her high-waisted shorts, and form fitting. It wasn’t low cut, but it showed off her curves in all the right ways and – Cady had a lingering suspicion that noticing her friend’s new shirt in this way wasn’t normal.

Looking for something to compliment, a reason for her to have been staring at Janis, Cady noticed a new enamel pin of a rainbow. “I like the new rainbow pin, Janis!” she exclaimed, tearing her eyes up to look at her friend’s _face_.

“Oh thanks, Damian got it for me for...” she blanched, apparently realizing she said something that she hadn’t wanted to slip. Cady quirked her head slightly. “For my birthday.”

She cast her deep brown eyes downward in shame. “Oh, when was it?” Cady tried her best not to let the disappointment seep into her voice. Obviously, her birthday was a bit of a personal issue, and it was not Cady’s right to know about it.

“Uh, the beginning of November... the sixth.”

Damian put a hand on the tall girl’s shoulder.

“Well, happy belated birthday. Would you be okay if I got you a present even though it’s over a month after the fact?” She couldn’t help but push, she just wanted Janis to know that she was loved and supported, because Cady wasn’t, and never would be, Plastic at heart.

“No, no... I mean, if you’re gonna do it anyway, do it, but I don’t want you spending money on me, Cads.” She looked almost... embarrassed? “Don’t go overboard. But honestly, just you saying you’ll talk to your parents about the trip to come to my art show is enough. Even if you can’t make it, the effort is appreciated” She smiled gingerly.

“February 15th, right?” Cady asked. Janis nodded. “We have plans to go to Madison to see Neil deGrasse Tyson, but I’ll try and get them to let me stay. Your art show is much more important!”

She beamed up at Janis, who looked bemused and a little... endeared by it, which was sweet.

“Thanks, Cady. It really means a lot.”

* * *

Winter break was a nice reprieve from everything Plastic. Regina had been pretty much ousted from the group, but Cady still wasn’t quite sure what was going on in her head. Either way, Regina wasn’t bossing them around anymore, wasn’t even really talking to them, so that was a plus.

She still hung out with Gretchen and Karen, they were almost genuine people without Regina, but had sort of adopted Cady in their place and she didn’t quite like that.

The best thing about break were her conversations with Aaron. He had texted her late one night, as she was up painting her nails, asking if he could have her as a logical ear to talk through his thoughts with.

She consoled him, reassured him that Regina cheating wasn’t his fault, and somewhere in the back of her mind, Cady felt something shift. It was subtle, like the last echoes of a ripple a minute after the rock hits the water, but she felt it. She felt it, but ignored it, assuming that much like the smallest of ripples, it was insignificant.

Smiling and chatting for the rest of the night was a welcome distraction from the stress of leading a double life as well as failing math. Far after the sun had sunk below the horizon and given the sky over to darkness and the silvery glow of the moon, Cady stayed awake.

She had just hung up from the call with Aaron and riding the high of a three-hour phone call with her crush, a smile plastered on her face. Something still didn’t feel quite right, and so naturally, Cady set herself to overanalyze it rather than go to sleep any time soon.

Cady herself wasn’t any different, save the whispers of changing tides in the back of her mind, but it was slight and easy to ignore. Had she talked to him any differently? She didn’t think so, but who really knows.

At least Aaron didn’t seem so withdrawn anymore. He seemed to have finally let go of the shame and the guilt that came along with Regina’s very public and probably very humiliating acts of adultery (Cady couldn’t even deign to call it adultery when Regina acted so much like a spoiled toddler), so maybe the feeling was just a changing dynamic that she wasn’t used to.

That _had_ to be it, Cady reasoned. Aaron was finally letting her see what he was like when he felt most like himself. Fake and unproductive tutoring sessions were... fake and unproductive, and calc class was a class, so any sort of extended outside communication was bound to feel different.

She pulled on her pajamas with the cartoon lions on them and smiled. Something so small as wearing her favorite (if seemingly childish) PJ set made her happy.

And it almost made her forget about how she had eyed Janis in her new shirt, and how the girl’s deep brown eyes crinkled when she smiled, and that _smile_ that got stuck in her head. The simplest of private rebellions against true Plastic life – or maybe just a distraction from the ripple she really didn’t want to see become a wave.

* * *

Far before she wanted, winter break ended. School was back in session, which meant keeping up full-time appearance as Plastic.

All the makeup and hair styling was annoying and required Cady to be awake at ungodly hours, but it was becoming second nature, and it almost felt... good? She didn’t feel the need to hide behind her hair, and she had some semblance of self-confidence, and even that was an improvement.

The day she found out she was nominated for Spring Fling Queen, she wore a floaty floral dress (not at all appropriate for the still-mid-winter Illinois weather) with ridiculously high heels (she could now confidently stride through the halls without tripping in them) and a jean jacket (the only practical thing about the outfit). Her hair was in bouncy ringlets, and she carefully had a heavy hand with her eyeliner that day because she knew she was going to meet with Janis and Damian.

It always made Cady feel fluttery when Janis complimented her makeup, which seemed to happen most often when she wore more eyeliner than usual. Why she made the effort to do so was still a mystery to Cady. Janis was her friend, and she liked when her friends liked the way she looked.

Wasn’t it that simple?

So why didn’t she wear green too? Damian always said it was an amazing color on her, complimenting her skin tone, bringing out the red tones in her hair, and accentuating her blue-ish eyes. That was a far more thought out compliment, and it _did_ make Cady smile, but it wasn’t the same.

She wrote it off.

Cady walked into the art room and, even though she expected it by now, was assaulted by the smell of paint and plaster and the faintest hint of a citrus-scented air freshener. She was also immediately enveloped in a hug from Damian.

“Hey, Damian!”

“Hey yourself, little slice. Any updates?”

He grabbed her hand and swung their arms back and forth dramatically as he guided her to the back of the room where Janis was painting. She turned the easel away.

“It’s for the art show. I want to surprise you.” The girl explained.

Today her outfit was a paint stained button up casually layered over a cute alien graphic tee that read ‘we are not alone’. As usual, she wore her combat boots and short shorts over fishnets, plain rather than floral today. Cady blushed and smiled.

Before she could launch into her requested update on the Plastics, the loudspeaker crackled to life, startling all three kids.

Mr. Duvall’s bored voice was broadcast into the classroom, and Cady sort of tuned it out as she had become accustomed to doing. Janis and Damian were mouthing along with him, and Cady realized he was announcing the candidates for the Spring Fling crown. Unsurprisingly, it was the Plastics every year.

Janis’s eyes went wide and snapped over to Cady, who was barely registering her name through the staticky speaker.

“Did you guys set this up?”

“What? Caddy, honey, _no_. Why would we do that?” Damian looked as confused as Cady felt.

“Wait, so I’m _actually_ nominated?”

The corners of Janis’s mouth quirked up in a sardonic smile. “It would seem so.”

Her mind started racing. Cady was really nominated alongside the other Plastics! That meant that the rest of the student body saw her as one of them and liked her enough to nominate her, a new student from _Africa_ , for this honor. “I... I have to text Aaron,” she mumbled. “But he hasn’t responded to my last five texts...” Janis and Damian stared at her, dumbfounded. She thought for a moment. “Oh! I’ll just tag him in a post on Instagram... caption... ‘so excited to be nominated alongside you...’”

Before she could finish her train of thought, or even _open_ Instagram on her phone, it was being pried out of her hands.

“Cady, no. You sent him _five_ texts and he didn’t respond. Don’t send a sixth. And definitely don’t go _tagging_ him on Instagram, or tweeting at him, or snapping him. Just _stop_.”

Damian sounded exasperated and Janis just looked on.

“Damian! I _need_ to. We were getting really close over break he was probably just busy- ”

Janis interrupted before she could spew any more excuses. “Damian, tell her about Phillip.”

Cady sat and listened and occasionally grabbed for her phone while Damian told her about this guy from theatre camp that he was so obsessed with, he sort-of cyberbullied the dude’s stage partner... who turned out to be his _sister_ , so the guy won’t talk to him...

Or accept his Edible Arrangements? That got Cady’s attention.

The two continued to berate her and tell her stories of other students’ bad decisions, including poor Karen, who apparently had her middle-school nudes leaked onto a porn site, until she agreed not to text Aaron if they gave her the phone back.

She nodded in agreement and slid her phone into her pocket to prove it. She’d just text him later.

“Oh, Caddy, before you leave?” Janis questioned.

“What’s up?”

“Did you ask your parents about the art show? I don’t mean to be pushy, but I do need to let them know how many guests I’m bringing.”

Cady frowned. She had forgotten to ask, and if she was being honest, had been avoiding it. Her parents tended to be pretty strict, and she knew there was no way they’d let her stay by herself for a weekend and didn’t want to make things worse for herself in general by asking.

But she couldn’t let Janis know that. “I’m really sorry, Jan, but they said no.” she frowned, exaggerating a little to make it look more authentic. “I’m really sorry, they’re just really strict. I don’t have a choice but to go to Madison that day.”

Janis frowned in return, a shadow seeming to pass across her face before she could make eye contact with Cady again. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’ll text you updates, then, ok?”

She smiled, and the corner of Janis’s mouth quirked up in return. “Okay.”

* * *

About a week before Janis’s art show, and Cady’s family trip to Madison, she sat down with Gretchen and Karen after school for frozen yogurt, as had become somewhat of a Tuesday tradition.

“So, what are we doing this weekend?” Karen asked.

“Karen, it’s Tuesday.” Cady didn’t want to reprimand her or make her feel stupid, so she just pointed out the facts in the hopes that Karen would pick up on it.

“Yeah, so the weekend is only... a number of days away.” She smiled. “So, do we have plans?”

“Oh, well, my parents and I are going to Madison for a... show.” She wasn’t going to tell them she was going to see a scientist.

“Sweet, we can throw a party while your parents are away!” Gretchen chimed in. Cady rolled her eyes automatically.

“Gretch, _I’m_ _going with them_.”

“Figure out a way to stay home! I’m sure whatever they’re doing is hardly as interesting as a party... plus you can invite Aaron!”

Okay, Cady reasoned. Maybe Gretchen actually had a point this time. It would be really nice to have a party and just chill and get to talk to Aaron in a casual environment. So why wasn’t she insanely excited?

She still had to talk to her parents, right? No use in getting excited for something that might not even happen.

“Okay, okay. I’ll see if I can stay, but no promises. And it’ll just be a small get-together, right?”

Gretchen grinned, nodding far too enthusiastically. Karen giggled. “Sure,” she said. “small.”

Cady got the feeling they were going to invite a lot of people, but she could hope. “Promise me, just a few people!”

“Alright, we get it,” Gretchen said. “Just a few people.”

She and Karen walked away whispering. Cady smiled. There. She’d had boundaries with the Plastics, and they respected them! This had to be progress.

Either way, she had to get home and convince her parents to let her stay home by herself for a weekend. She couldn’t very well tell them that she wanted to throw a party whilst they were gone with the end goal of getting with a boy.

She walked home, deep in thought, almost getting hit by a few cars on crosswalks where she wasn’t careful enough. But the drivers paid attention, so nobody was hurt.

“Binti, you’re home!” Cady’s mom called from the kitchen as she opened the door. “How are your friends?”

“They’re good.”

“How are _you_?”

“Good.” She was still lost in her own thoughts.

“Are you really alright, honey? You seem to be thinking an awful lot right now.”

Okay... just blurt it out. “Can I stay home this weekend?”

“Why? Binti, you _love_ Neil deGrasse Tyson!”

Naturally, her dad chose this moment to wander in from his office. “Oh, how excited are you for this weekend?” He smiled kindly.

“She wants to _stay home_.” Cady’s mom spoke as if staying home were some sort of crime.

“Why? You’ve been looking forward to this trip for ages!”

“I _know_ , but...” Cady struggled to come up with an excuse. She tugged at a strand of hair trying to come up with anything. _Oh_. “My friend Janis’s art show is this weekend and she’s like... the only high schooler invited and it’s a big thing and she really wants me to be there and _don’t you want me to be a good friend_?”

That last bit was genius, if you asked her.

Her mother hummed thoughtfully.

“Well, you are sixteen, and it’s just a weekend.”

“How are you getting to this art show?” her dad chimed in.

“Janis’s mom, Veronica will drive me.”

“Janis is the girl with the... um... alternative haircut?”

Oh boy, that definitely seemed as if she was dancing around the word ‘gay’ like a poison. “Yeah. But her mother’s that lawyer you always see the articles about. Veronica Sarkisian? Like, the best in the state Attorney Sarkisian.”

“Ah,” her dad nodded. “Okay. I suppose you can stay by yourself for the weekend.”

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” Cady exclaimed, rushing forward to embrace her parents.

The next day, after calculus, she made a point to catch Aaron’s attention before he went to sit with his athletic friends for lunch. “Hey you,” she said, _real_ smooth.

“Uh, hi. What’s up?”

“Oh, well, me and Gretch and Karen are planning a little get-together at my place this weekend. It’s just gonna be a few cool people, and you better be one of them, beyatch!”

Cady spun on her heel before she could overthink how fucking _awkward_ that was, but Aaron had a question. “Will Regina be there?”

“Of course not, I’m not an idiot,” she laughed, walking away with finality.

After school, Gretchen approached her. Cady timed her eye-roll so she wouldn’t see. Gretchen could be sweet, but good lord she was high maintenance, and Cady just wasn’t mentally equipped to soothe her ego and sense of belonging every single minute they spent together.

“Cady! Do you need any help prepping for the party? We can go shopping for an outfit or I could put together a sexy but subtle playlist for –”

“Gretchen! I’m good. I gotta go.”

She purposefully didn’t look back so she could pretend that there wasn’t a hurt look plastered on Gretchen’s face as she left.

* * *

“So... cheese and crackers for eight people should be good, right?” Cady asked Gretchen and Karen, who were standing in the living room.

Gretchen giggled nervously. “Uh, sure.”

Cady got the feeling it would not be enough, and that this party was going to be a little out of her hands. She set the tray down as the first few people came in through the door. Karen put on some music, and the few people that came in early (so, on time) danced awkwardly.

Dancing was not on Cady’s agenda for the night, though. Her dress, while absolutely _stunning_ according to her friends, was insanely tight. Had it been any longer, it would have been difficult to even walk in, but as it was, she would be spending the night making sure it didn’t ride up too far. In addition to all of that, it was stiff too, which made it hard to get a full breath in. No intense physical activity for Cady tonight.

Gretchen came over with a tray of shot glasses. “Bubblegum Schnapps,” she informed her. “to help you relax before the party _really_ gets going.”

Nothing else to do tonight, Cady reasoned. She grabbed one of the tiny glasses and followed Gretchen and Karen’s lead, throwing her head back and downing the liquid in one go. The bubblegum flavor was... well, there was no putting it lightly, it was pretty disgusting, but at least it was a pretty pink color, and the burn of the alcohol down her throat was almost pleasant.

She understood now why teens enjoyed these parties with the drinking and the music. As more and more people filtered into the house, chattering and laughing, grabbing drinks and singing along to Karen’s surprisingly thoughtful playlist, she got another drink and said hi to a few people.

Soon enough, though, it was all too overwhelming. There was a crushing mass of teenagers throughout most of the first floor of her house, half of whom she didn’t know. According to Karen, word gets around the area about any parentless parties pretty quickly. The mathletes had also shown up for some reason and had started the anxiety-inducing game of pass with a hand-painted vase that had been gifted to them while in Kenya.

In addition to the sweat and alcohol scenting the air, Cady smelled weed, and followed it to where some random kids were trying to figure out how to use yet another African memento as a bong.

“Put that _down_ ,” Cady reprimanded them, taking the small container from them and shooing them outside. “It’s not a bong.”

Kevin G. chose that moment to greet her. _Great_ , she thought, _being seen with a_ mathlete _at my own party. Way to go with the reputation._ “Heyyyy Cady Heron! Nice party!”

She spotted Gretchen nearby and saw an out from the conversation, as well as knowing that the infamous gossip might have the info that she wanted. “You seen Aaron?” she shouted, waving at the girl to make her point.

“No,” she shook her head, then went back to flirting with whatever average white guy had caught her eye tonight. At least she wasn’t still chasing Jason.

“Hope you got insurance, Heron.” Kevin butted in. He just refused to get lost.

“Okay?”

“Everyone is throwing your stuff, dude. Whatever. See ya.”

_Finally_ , she thought. He had wandered off.

For a while, she let herself get lost in the atmosphere. The music was loud, it was extremely hot and crowded, and the air was thick with smoke, but it felt _happy_. Despite her short, tight, and stiff dress, Cady danced a little, making her way through the crowd and occasionally picking up another drink. It must have been eleven by the time Aaron showed, and she was definitely not sober.

She didn’t see him right away, only as he meandered his way past the crowds and made his way up the stairs. Maybe he’d missed the signs she’d posted saying that the second level was off limits? Who knows why he headed that way, but it did give her the chance to find him easily.

She pushed through the crowd, following quietly (or, as quietly as she could while pretty darn drunk) until she caught up to him... in her room, looking at one of the pictures on her nightstand.

She snatched it out of his hand, looking at it. It was the picture of her, as a little girl – maybe seven or eight – riding an elephant, a few of her parents friends from the local tribe surrounding them and smiling widely.

“Oh my gosh that’s so embarrassing,” she groaned.

“I think it’s cute,” Aaron smiled shyly.

He sat at the foot of her bed, and she went to sit with him, but miscalculated and almost tumbled off. Luckily, Aaron was a quick thinker and managed to catch her and ease them both onto the floor.

They sat in silence for a minute or so, just listening to the muted sounds of the party happening below them. It was oddly peaceful, just the two of them sitting on the floor of her room and saying nothing.

Eventually, Aaron broke the silence. “Is it true that the Maasai – is that how you say it? Ma-a-sigh-ee?”

He was gorgeous, looking down at her with his shiny eyes and unkempt hair. She was barely listening to him, just nodding and watching the way his lips moved. Realizing he had asked her a question, she nodded, quickly affirming him with a ‘sure’, although she wasn’t sure what he had asked.

“Anyway, I read that the Maasai don’t celebrate birthdays, that they just become adults when they feel ready. I think that’s pretty cool, y’know, having the ability to just _decide_ when you’re ready to be an adult, rather than having the world decide for you.”

Maybe he wasn’t good at math, but the boy was still pretty smart. And pretty. Cady listened to the soothing tone of his voice and leaned her head on his shoulder. He was really pretty, which was a thought that hadn’t passed through her mind since the first week of class with him. Perhaps it was the alcohol running through her veins, making her a little dizzy and making Aaron some sort of young god.

That was definitely hyperbole, Cady still had the mental capacity to recognize, but the lines of reality were blurring and so was her vision – either way he was gorgeous and smart and almost glowing, and he was _here_ , with her, in her bedroom, miles away from the party downstairs that sent reverberations of bass through the floor and into their bodies.

“That’s true,” Cady giggled. “Why did you read that?”

And he had to have felt it too, because he was researching Africa. “I was just interested in Kenya for some reason.” She nodded slowly, drunkenness making her indolent. “Do you miss it?”

Giggles escaped her lips before she could stop them, her slow brain reacting without her permission. “No, no,” she denied. Aaron let her drift off into thought, which took longer than normal. “Uh, well, I mean... I miss walking on ground that isn’t pavement all day. And... you have to pay attention more, and it makes you feel... awake. Oh, my- my mom and I, we used to play this game, where we’d close our eyes and name every bird we could hear.” She sat for a moment, realizing what she had just said. “We don’t do that _now_ ,” she corrected. “ _Obvs_.” Cady flipped her hair dramatically over her shoulder.

“I was alone, a _lot_ , mostly observing things like hyenas and migrations and... who cares.” She heard Gretchen and Karen’s voices in her head, telling her what was ‘cool’ and ‘interesting’ and what wasn’t. Migrations certainly weren’t. “Now I have all these friends, I’m never by myself... I mean, look at all those people downstairs!” more giggles. She shifted, leaning a bit more on the boy beside her, and began unstrapping her insanely uncomfortable heels. “More... is always better,” she decided. “More people know my name, I have more...” man, the alcohol was really affecting her now. “Shoes. More is always better, ‘cause when you have less, you have more to lose – wait, that’s confusing.”

Before Cady could figure out what she meant by that, Aaron was interrupting her thoughts with his melodic voice, lulling her into calm. “See I don’t mind alone, sometimes alone is good, ‘cause time to think is in short supply.”

A snorting laugh escaped her, which she quickly shut down and explained away. “You haven’t been alone, try _Kenya_ with one phone, almost no people just, like, animals and sky... You know what I had more of? Stars.” The milky way had always been visible above the savannah after dusk, a beautiful streak of stardust across the sky. “So many stars at night.” She had been able to name all the constellations she could see. Now? There were bound to be different constellations, but even if they were the same, she didn’t have faith she could recognize them, it had been so long since she’d seen them. “But here there’s so much light... I see them less now.” She continued to expand on the differences between living in the two places, because Aaron was focused on her, more than he had ever been, or maybe that was just the alcohol making Cady hyperfocus on him. “Plus, I’m always cold because of the air-conditioned air... though in fairness, that could be how I dress now.” Her current outfit barely covered her torso. It made her miss the Kenyan sun. “Whatever,” Aaron looked at her. “I look cuter.” She was looking at him, and they were about to kiss, and wasn’t this everything she’d ever wanted? Wasn’t this the whole goal of throwing this party in the first place? And she had to finish the thought in her head, it had to work its way out into the world for someone else to hear. “It worked, like pretending I needed a tutor.”

It was barely a murmur, their lips met for a brief second, and it was nice, but there were no fireworks like all the romance novels can’t let go of. And then he was pulling away. “ _Pretending?_ ”

Aaron sounded mad, but she couldn’t really fathom why. Another laugh escaped her, damn all the drinks she’d had tonight, and she explained herself away. “Yeah, you’re gonna laugh. I pretended to be bad at math to get you to talk to me. Yeah... I’m actually really good at math, but now I’m failing.”

One of his eyebrows quirked up. “That’s stupid. Why didn’t you just... talk to me?”

“Oh,” this one was easy. “Because of Regina, because you... were her... property.”

“Her _property?!”_

“No, shut up, not _property_.” Drunk Cady had chosen the first word that vaguely applied to the situation without considering the connotations. This was still salvageable.

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Aaron was decidedly pissed now, getting up from her embrace and making his way to leave.

Drunk Cady saw slow and a little oblivious, but she knew she had to stop him. “No, wait, you’re being ridiculous, just... sit down and be hot!”

“You are like... a _clone_ of Regina.” He made his way around her bed, grabbing his jacket.

“What? No!” Cady found her voice again, “I am _more_ , and I am _better_ , and no one likes you more, not anyone, _not her_.”

He paused and turned to look at her, a deep sort of sadness in his eyes, an emotion much too complex for drunk Cady to understand plastered on his face. “More is always better, don’t look at me that way, what girl would you prefer?” Cady begged.

“I would prefer the girl you were,” he stated bluntly. “Not who you’re trying to be. You think _this_ ,” he gestured at her and then towards the door and the party downstairs, “works with me? Well you thought wrong. Looking at this place, I see you trying to erase what is best about yourself just to belong.”

She scrambled across the bed to stand closer to him, and to her surprise, he grabbed her hand before continuing to speak. “You say more is always better, but there is less of you than there was before.” He let go and continued his journey to the door. “So, if more _is_ always better, then you should have thought it through a bit more.”

Before she could react, Aaron was gone, out the door and down the stairs. “I should have thought it through a bit... you know what I had more of?” she whispered to herself, a few tears making their way down her cheeks, “Stars.”

She sat there for a moment more until her brain caught up with everything, and she realized that she had effectively driven off the only guy who might have ever had an interest in her, so she ran downstairs after him, shoes still in hand.

* * *

As she ran through the slightly thinned-out crowd downstairs, she heard Gretchen shout something like “Aaron’s leaving!” but she ignored her and pushed out the door. The gravel path to the road was painful for her bare feet, slowing her down a bit. She made it to the street just in time to see Aaron get in his car and drive away. “Aaron!” she shouted, even knowing it was futile. He didn’t turn around or slow down.

In her drunken state, she didn’t see the motorized scooter making its way slowly down the street until it was right in front of her.

“In _Madison_ , huh?” Janis’s voice rang out, scathing and angry and bitter. Cady balked.

“I’m sorry, I was –”

“Oh, save it. I hope you’re having an _amazing_ time with your _amazing_ friends.”

“Janis, I have a curfew, I cannot stop this Jazzy.” Damian murmured.

Drunk Cady was slow, but she knew she was really screwing up all of her good relationships tonight. “Janis–”

“No, Cady! You don’t get it! You _lied_ to us. I feel like an idiot for actually thinking you might have _cared_ about me at all!”

“It’s not my fault you’re like... in _love_ with me or something!” Cady clamped a hand over her mouth, in disbelief of what she just blurted out. _Fuck_.

“Oh no she did not.” Damian quickly put the scooter in reverse and pulled up near Cady. Janis hopped off to face her, still standing a few feet away.

“See, that’s the _thing_ with you Plastics. You think everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody just _hates_ you.” Janis spat. Cady didn’t know if her vision was blurring a little or if Janis was actually shaking a bit.

“You _made_ me like this! It was your idea for me to pretend to _be_ Plastic!” She defended, growing teary-eyed.

“Buddy, it’s not pretend! You are as Plastic as they come, you think your shit don’t stink, you think the rest of us are _dumb_. I hate Regina’s guts, but here’s what you can’t comprehend: at least she _has_ the guts to not _pretend to be my friend_!” Janis’s voice broke on the word ‘friend’ and Cady wanted to crumple up right there in the street and cry. She couldn’t believe she had just said that.

“Janis,” It was quiet, her voice was on the verge of breaking, but Janis heard her.

“No, its fine.” She wiped at her eyes. “ _really_ fine... go be fine.” The fight had drained out of her, clearly.

Cady watched as she walked to the front of the Jazzy to grab the canvas sitting in the basket. “Here, you can have it. It won a prize.”

Cady caught the painting that was tossed at her. It was a painting of the three of them: Janis, Damian, and Cady with their arms slung around each other, laughing uproariously. It was painted in bright colors with broad, careful strokes, making it look almost abstract even though it clearly depicted the three of them.

She watched, rooted to the spot in shame, as Janis hopped on the back of the scooter, wrapped her arms around Damian, as he drove away. “And I want my pink shirt back,” he shot at her over his shoulder as he patted Janis’s head with one hand.

God, she had fucked up bad. She couldn’t believe how badly she had managed to screw things up with three people in one night – in one _hour_ to be accurate.

* * *

It was nearing midnight, and people were slowly leaving the party and Cady’s house, but they could not be gone fast enough.

She squeezed her eyes shut and wiped out any tears that fell before willing herself to pull it together and walking back inside. Somehow, she convinced Karen to shut off the music, and then Gretchen started gathering the alcohol, so people left pretty steadily after that.

Knowing trusting the two Plastics with any sort of cleanup while drunk was futile, she told them to just grab all the alcohol and whatever they had brought over and leave. They listened. By one in the morning, Cady was left alone in her house, and she finally let her tears fall.

Nobody was around to see the mascara-stained tear tracks running down her cheeks, so she didn’t bother to wipe them away. She threw her heels up the stairs carelessly and began picking up. She filled two garbage bags within half an hour, still leaking tears and sniffling every so often. No music was playing, no sound other than Cady’s own anguish and the clinking of beer bottles in the bags.

It was around two by the time she finished picking up all the garbage, but she wasn’t tired. Her mind was running too fast for her to keep up with it, and honestly, if she didn’t keep moving, they would overwhelm her. She didn’t want to end up there again.

So, she swept. She dusted. She made sure all of her mother’s knickknacks were in the right place. She vacuumed the whole first floor. She took the trash and recyclables down to the dumpsters behind the local apartment complex.

The cool night air sent a shiver running down her back, but she ignored it, refusing to even wrap her arms around herself.

It wasn’t her stubborn pride, though, Cady needed to feel some sort of physical discomfort to distract her from her own mind. If she sat with any of those thoughts, especially now, while she was drunk... she had been on Tumblr at thirteen, she knew exactly where her mind would go. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been there before.

A few crickets chirped at her as she walked by, almost startling her. It felt like the world should have stopped. The party ended, and it had been silent since then, so why now? Why now of all times was the liveliness of nature coming back, assaulting Cady’s ears with the sound of the world moving on without her?

Cady sped up, almost welcoming the silence of her house again. Three AM. Nothing left to clean up, except maybe herself. Not wanting to stop moving yet, that’s what she proceeded to do.

Leaving the tight and stiff dress messy on the floor, she hopped in the shower, water temperature turned up to burning hot, because maybe if she turned her skin red, she could bear to sleep again. Cady let the scalding water run over her body, the pain distracting her for a good few moments before it became too much and she turned the heat down. Why couldn’t she have just... been honest this whole time? What was the big deal in taking down the Plastics from the inside? How had she let herself get so invested in the scheme that she forgot why she did it in the first place?

Of course, she knew that Janis had her own motivations, and she had done it anyways. Cady knew it was a little bit wrong, but she thought there could be no harm in just... nudging karma forward a little. It would be okay, she kept telling herself. At the end she’d get the guy – why did she obsess over the guy? She always would have had Janis and Damian to fall back on, and she was as happy with them as she ever was with Aaron...

And more free.

Cady knew she never had to worry about being perceived as less by them for being herself, and honestly, that was worth far more than any romantic future with Aaron. He was definitely cute, and really kind, and tonight had proven that she could have been herself around him, but the social pressures were still there.

She ran her hands through her thick hair, weighted with the water, and groaned. “Why couldn’t I just... be _myself_?”

The problem with being herself, Cady had begun to realize, was that she didn’t know who that was anymore. She could feel her drunkenness slipping away more now (it had been a solid four hours since she’d had any alcohol), and the logical self-deprecating thoughts slipping in.

She wasn’t stupid; she had made mistakes and she should have known better. That was the biggest issue. She had let her feelings get the best of her when she _knew_ that logic was the best course of action.

The question now: feelings for _who_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha how much do you hate me now I'm sorry (only kinda)...
> 
> thank you for reading, that's so fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated (but never necessary) ♡
> 
> yes I take constructive criticism if I handle something poorly or have typos or inconsistencies tell me!!!! 
> 
> I love you all!


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